Leaning on Everlasting Arms

Thankful for a distraction...

2011-02-28T16:08:00.004-06:00

February 28, 1998 was a big day in the life of the Shows/Weathers families. Jason and I married on this day 13 years ago. I have blogged before on how special that day was and I certainly could write again about it, but instead I have decided to blog about the distraction I had on THIS February 28, 2011.

Say hello to my distraction...Allyson Laine Weathers!

At 5:00 a.m., sweet Ally woke me burning hot with fever. 103 to be exact. I was so puzzled because she was feeling great over the weekend as we celebrated her birthday with yet another party. :) I decided to take her in first thing this morning to see what we might be dealing with as I suspected with such a high fever, we might have the flu. I was right. Type A flu. And yes, we had the flu shot. All of us. So, tamiflu for Ally and the rest of us will start it if needed.

While we waited in the doctor's office this a.m., the Motrin had kicked in for Ally and she was feeling somewhat normal. She had her new pretend cell phone in hand as well as her hand on hip. She was in deep conversation with someone (?) and she was pacing the floor of the waiting room like her Uncle Scott does when he talks on phone. The conversation went like this:

"No, I can't go to the ballgame. I sick. I do love the Eagles. G will be there. (pause) I know. (pause) My daddy can't go. He in heaven. (pause) See you later. Bye."

Now wait...Before you get sad for me, know I wasn't sad when I heard her say this, but rather I was laughing. Ally talks about her daddy everyday so this wasn't anything new and honestly if you could have seen the reaction of the nice people in the waiting room, you'd be laughing as well. The stares began. The quiet whispers as well. After a few minutes of Ally's conversation a sweet lady sitting near me said, "did she just say her daddy was in heaven?" I politely told the lady that her daddy had died of leukemia when she was 5 months old. Honestly, I felt sorry for all in the waiting room that heard her because for us we talk of Jason's life and death daily, but some people are not used to hearing a 3 year old talk about such a heavy subject.

Right after this conversation, Ally says to me, "I want to do my cheer leading." I immediately grabbed my phone so that I could video this routine.

At this point, I was laughing so hard. Ally Weathers has been a great distraction since her birth, but I was super thankful for yet another funny distraction provided by Ally on this day especially. :) God is good like that!

Lots of sweet memories today of what took place 13 years ago. I am super thankful that God allowed me to be the wife of Jon Jason Weathers. Thankful for the grace of our Lord that is ALWAYS enough...especially on significant days such as this one.

Jesus, Draw Me Ever Nearer

2011-02-26T21:41:00.005-06:00

This morning as I was scrolling through facebook on my phone, a sweet sister in Christ had posted a youtube video of the song "Jesus, Draw Me Ever Nearer" by Kristyn and Keith Getty. It was a most busy morning in our house, but for some reason I was drawn to watch it. As I stood in my bathroom while trying to put make-up on for the day, I wept as I listened to the song. Click http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=80s6fWli-Rc to listen.

Jesus, Draw Me Ever Nearer
Jesus draw me ever nearer
As I labor through the storm.
You have called me to this passage,
and I'll follow, though I'm worn.
May this journey bring a blessing,
May I rise on wings of faith;
And at the end of my heart's testing,
With Your likeness let me wake.
Jesus guide me through the tempest;
Keep my spirit staid and sure.
When the midnight meets the morning,
Let me love You even more.
Let the treasures of the trial
Form within me as I go -
And at the end of this long passage,
Let me leave them at Your throne.

This is most definitely my hearts cry...certainly I didn't pen these words, though I felt as if whomever did had read my heart. I have failed miserably in so many areas since Jason's death, but my desire has been to honor Christ in all areas of my life, especially in my grieving.

He has called me to this "passage" and I am worn from the journey, BUT my longing is that when this "testing" is complete that I would look more and more like Jesus than before it began.
And when "midnight meets the morning, let me love You even more." His word promises that morning will come...Psalm 30:5 says, "Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning!" The hope that I have is in Christ! How I do love Him so, but want to love Him even more.

Happy 3rd Birthday, Allyson Laine Weathers!

2011-02-21T19:26:00.005-06:00

(Below is repost of a February 22, 2009 entry...a recap of the birth of sweet Ally)

Friday, February 22, 2008, my sister in law, Ashley, drove me to see Dr. Gillespie for my weekly check-up. I went to this appointment with the intent of persuading my sweet doc into letting me have baby Ally that day. Her due date was February 29, 2008. (Funny she was due on leap year! Little did we know what a year this 2008 would really be!) My bags were packed and everyone was on stand-by, including a VERY weak Jason. You see, Jason had finally been released from the hospital after an almost 7 week stay the Sunday before she was born. M.D. Anderson had called on Thursday, February 21, to schedule a consultation visit with Jason for March 2nd. I had just a small window of opportunity to have a baby in all of this craziness! I told Dr. Gillespie of my predicament and his answer was, "let's go have a baby TODAY!" Yea!

I walked into the lobby where Ashley waited for me and said, "Ash, we're having a baby today!" Labor Room 7 was where I was assigned. Seven...a perfect number. Ashley and I called all of the family to tell them I had been admitted. Mrs. Peggy, Jason's mom, was in charge of getting Jason to the hospital at the appropriate time. I had prayed SO fervently that Jason would be able to be there when Ally was born. (Many of you prayed with me in this regard!) God was so faithful.

Labor lasted most of the day, but finally later in the afternoon things began to progress quickly and my mom called Mrs. Peggy to tell her to bring Jason, IF he felt up to it. I wasn't certain he was physically able to be there, but exactly one hour before her birth my sweet Jason walked into Labor Room 7. I was elated and overwhelmed with emotion that he was there! Ally could come. And she did. She was perfect. She weighed 7lbs and 7oz. Seven...a perfect number!

Jason was the only one to hold her after her birth besides me. No one would dare ask him to hold her. He just held her and stared at her perfect little face that strangely enough looked just like him and still does! Jason had a little over 2 weeks with Ally before he had to go back into the hospital for more chemo besides a quick 2 day trip to M.D. Anderson. He soaked up as much Ally time as he could. She was just what we all needed. A little bit of JOY.

Ally was almost 5 months old when Jason met Jesus. Some days I ponder who I hurt for more...Anna Lea and Jon Brent, who knew their daddy well and miss him incredibly or Ally, who will never have any memories of her own of her daddy. Regardless, how thankful I am that he did live to see her and hold her for even a few months. I am well aware that he could have died during his initial diagnosis and induction therapy. I praise God for each day he had with her. I will tell her one day how he would just sit and hold her and stare into her face for hours and hours. I will tell her that when she was fussy that he would wrap his big arms around her and immediately she would settle down. (I have held true to these promises. We tell of her these things almost daily.)

It is too soon to know whose personality Ally will have...mine or Jason's. My prayer is Jason's! (Yikes...not too soon anymore. Now after 3 years I think most would definitely say she acts much like her mom, but still looks like her daddy!:) I know God has to have great things in store for little Ally. I can't wait to see what they are! Sometimes when I look at her I think to myself, she has no idea all that has transpired since her arrival. She has no idea the pain we've felt. She has no idea of all the ways God has showed up and been so faithful to all of us during this incredible loss. All she knows is the love and smiles we give her day in and day out. Of course, she is now experiencing some "no, no, Ally!" (Clearly now after 3 years she is a little more aware of all that surrounds her. She definitely knows her daddy from pictures and stories we tell her. She often will say, "I love my daddy." My heart hurts and leaps for joy all at the same time when I hear her say these words.)

So, Happy Birthday, baby Ally! Thank you for being a picture of God's love for us.
I pray you will grow to love our Savior and walk the path of righteousness all the days of your life. I pray you will seek Him in all you do. I pray you will have a deep love for God's word. I pray you would have compassion and show love for others the way Jesus does. I pray you would be content with whatever circumstances come you way. I pray you would love the church as Christ does. I pray you will be gentle in spirit. I pray that you will always have a heart full of gratitude. I pray you would be a woman of great integrity and humility. I pray that your lips will ever praise Him. I pray that you never turn your back on the ONE who died so that we might LIVE! For by trusting in Jesus ensures that one day you will be united with our Savior in heaven and reunited with your sweet daddy. This is a reunion I don't want to miss!

A recent photo of Ally - this pic captures her fun personality

Ally on her 2nd birthday :)

Ally on her 1st birthday

Perhaps one of my most favorite pictures of all time - one I will cherish forever

Jon Brent, Ally and Anna Lea days after her birth

Several hours after her birth

Ally Weathers is definitely a picture of God's faithfulness and love for us!

Contentment

2011-01-22T19:50:00.005-06:00

I do wish I could be more consistent when it comes to writing on this blog, but for many reasons it just doesn't happen. Tonight, however, I feel like writing. I pray that just maybe someone reading can relate to what I am going to share.

God is still teaching me so much in this season of my life. I can't believe that it has been 3 years since Jason's diagnosis with leukemia. January 7, 2008, is a day I think will forever be etched in my memory. It is so strange how a date on the calendar plays such a huge role in the grieving process. Thankfully, this January 7 came without a whole lot of dread, but once I realized what the date was, I felt overwhelmed with sadness and emotion. However, January 8 was a new day. I still felt an incredible sadness as I relived so much of what took place 3 years prior, but I spent a good bit of time re-reading Jason's caringbridge site. As I sat and read with tears literally blinding my eye sight, I was once again blown away at the faithfulness of my God.

I love so much that we kept a journal of the journey. The encouragement we received from that website was huge while J was being treated, but it amazes me that even now I find so much encouragement there.

Although I am able to see His faithfulness to me then and know that He is never going to leave nor forsake me, I still find myself struggling in other ways right now. One of the major areas that Christ is having to work overtime with me is the area of contentment. One dictionary defines contentment as "desiring no more than one has; satisfied." A Christian author of the 1600s by the name of Jeremiah Burroughs defines contentmet as "a sweet, inward, quiet, gracious frame of spirit, which freely submits to and delights in God's wise and fatherly disposal in every condition."

I have found lately that discontentment in my soul seems to be the theme. I have longed for the days prior to when leukemia invaded our lives. I have not only longed for pre-leukemia days, but also longed for this season of pain and grief to come to an end. Sort of 'enough already, God.' I have even cried that very prayer many, many times.

I am currently going through a book entitled Disciplines of a Godly Woman by Barbara Hughes. Actually I was introduced to this book some time back by a sweet group of college girls who were studying through this book in a small group. I had the opportunity to lead one of their sessions. I now have the GREAT privilege to walk through this entire book with 3 recent college graduates who are wanting to be mentored each week. I can't wait to see how God uses this book not only in their lives, but in my life as well! Anyway, there is a chapter in this book entitled Discipline of Contentment.

Discipline in any form is never easy and as I read through this particular chapter I became extremely convicted over my discontent with this season of my life. The author writes that Paul, when writing to the Philippian church, understood contentment so well. By the way, the book of Philippians happens to be one of my most favorite books of the Bible and chapter 4 my most favorite chapter. He tells the Philippian church in verse 11 that he had "learned" to be content in all circumstances. The word "learned" brings me great hope that I can be like Paul and LEARN to be content. Paul certainly faced numerous hardships and difficult circumstances. He goes on to say in Philippians 4:13, "I can do all this (i.e. find contentment) through Him who gives me strength." It will only be through His strength that I will be able to achieve this.

As I thought about other seasons in my life, I began to realize that it hasn't been just this particular season that I have been hit with discontent. Does this sound familiar? When I was in high school, I couldn't wait to be in college. When I was in college, I couldn't wait to graduate, have a job and be married. When I first got married, I couldn't wait until we had a baby. When I had Anna Lea, I couldn't wait to stay home from work. When I got to stay home, I couldn't wait to have another baby. When Jason got accepted into CRNA school, I couldn't wait for him to graduate so we could move back to Hattiesburg. I could go on and on, but I think many can relate. We all long for whatever it is we don't have!

My prayer right now for myself is that I can be content in the season God has called me. I don't want to miss anything that He wants to teach me nor do I want to miss the blessing of the right now. Another verse of scripture that I have come to claim each and everyday over the last several years is Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God..." Being still for me has always been difficult, but necessary! I know this God I serve is just that...GOD...and news flash...I am NOT! I certainly don't want to long for another season when that isn't what He has for me. Barbara Hughes said it best when she said, "the truth is, the worst thing that can happen to a Christian who is longing for something outside of God's will would be for God to grant that desire!" She goes on to say, "when we experience discontent, we must ask ourselves some pointed questions: What is the source of my longing? Is it a godly one-or ungodly? Will you yield to temptation in an attempt to satisfy your heart's desire, or will you turn to God and His Word for help?" OUCH!

So...as I strive for contentment may Jesus fill my every longing! I know He is able!

Philippians 4: 11-12 "...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."

May we all strive to be like Paul and learn to be content in whatever circumstances Christ allows!

As of late...

2010-09-15T18:19:00.006-05:00

In the last few days I've felt led to share a little of what God has been doing in my life through my blog. Not that many even still check this site as I have not been a great or even good blogger over the last year or more. Even still I felt the need to write and this is my chosen outlet.

Let me first start off by saying I am still incredibly thankful for God's grace in my life and in the life of the kids since Jason's death. When I look back at His faithfulness to me, I simply have to praise His name. I have no other choice.

Over the last couple of months I have had many good days with rough days being the minority rather than majority. There are still many days filled with great sadness over the loss of sweet Jason, but so many of my days are filled with JOY as well. God's goodness...wow.

I would be withholding the complete truth if I left it at that. About two months ago, I began to deal with fear again. Fear of the future. Fear of how I was going to raise these precious gifts God has given me without Jason. Fear of how I could possibly meet their many needs - their spiritual, emotional and even their short and long term financial needs. I assume the fear was brought on by the start of the new school year and all the demands that come with that. I could almost feel as if I was suffocating at certain moments during the day with the weight of it all. It was as if the enemy was trying to paralyze me. Just FYI...he didn't win, but he certainly didn't give up without a fight.

If those specific fears weren't enough I then began to fear the obvious...what if something happened to me. What if the kids not only had their daddy on this earth, but what if God takes me from their life as well. I would be lying if I said this was the first time I have ever experienced this fear since Jason's death. This time it seemed to take hold of my every thought. When I was alone I would just sit and cry at the very thought of my sweet kids not having either parent on this earth. I was in total sin...in God's word we are commanded to cast out every vain imagination. I was not doing that. Nor was I taking every thought captive and making it obedient to Christ.

Once again, I began to experience some minor health issues. Those issues only escalated those fears that there was something was really wrong with me thus I could be dying. My very close friends find it quite comical that I can convince myself I have some horrible disease and even though I laugh with them, it is in the quietness of my heart I am totally gripped with fear...too many "what ifs" flood my mind.

I would also be hiding the complete truth if I told you I have only been like this since Jason's death. I was convinced while living in Naples that I was dying of a heart attack on a couple of occasions and if I were being really honest, I would have to admit that we confirmed my pregnancy with Jon Brent because I went to the ER with chest pain. Yes, I might should seek some professional help with all of this, but I get it honestly. My sweet granddaddy who lived well into his 80s before meeting Jesus also had to fight this same battle. :)I say all that to say, I do believe that because of Jason's death this stronghold in my life has intensified greatly.

So...where is my faith in all of this? Glad you asked! You would think after seeing God's faithfulness the last 2 1/2 years that I wouldn't begin to doubt Him now?!? Make no mistake our enemy knows our weaknesses and is seeking to destroy us IF we allow him.

One day last week while I was at work I received an email from my dad. He was simply passing along a caringbridge site of a lady about my age who is the mom to 5 beautiful little girls...she is fighting AML a relapse after a bone marrow transplant. I clicked on the link very reluctantly because I knew just from the little bit of information that he provided in his message that my heart would be broken when I began to read of her battle. I was right. I sat in my office for a few minutes after reading just a few journal entries and cried silently hoping no one would walk in to see the tears puddling on my desk. Thankfully I glanced at the time and realized it was time for me to make the mail run that I do daily at work. I was so very thankful that I could escape to my car and cry freely. I hurt so deeply for this family and as I thought of the pain they were enduring, I felt hopeless. This wasn't the only family I was hurting for as right now I am praying for so many who are having to walk down such dark roads right now. It was just at that moment this sweet mom to 5 who was battling AML pushed my emotions over the edge. I cried out to my Lord...please, come quickly and take all of this pain away from so many.

Right there in the quietness of my car the Father whispered, Be Still and Know that I am God. And as God often does in my life, He used music to minister to my hurting heart. The silence became deafening so I turned on my radio. The very song on the radio was "My Help Comes From the Lord" by The Museum...how appropriate at that very moment of despair.

When sorrows come and hope seems gone
You're the rock I rest upon
When waters rise and I can't breathe
You're the love that rescues me

Out of the darkness I lift up my eyes
Unto the hills I feel my faith rise

Maker of heaven giver of life
You are my strength my song in the night
My refuge my shelter now and forevermore
My help comes from the Lord

All of the sudden the tears of great anguish turned back to tears of hopefulness and trust. Isn't our God so good like that!?!

This past Friday night I attended a women's conference where Priscilla Shirer was the speaker. I was more than excited to hear what God was going to teach me through this conference. I was not disappointed. With each session I was convinced that her words, which were from God, were meant for just for me. I knew there were 1,500 plus in attendance, but I just knew He had moved mountains just for me to hear from Him. :)

I wish I could write everything He taught me over the 2 day conference, but you're probably already asleep now so I'll be brief. In a nutshell, let me just use the word of God to sum it up...
Isaiah 43:18-19
"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

Through His word it was if He was shouting to me...Stephanie, I am doing a new thing in your life! Don't miss it by staying held captive by the anguish and pain you have experienced in the past. Don't miss it by fearing the new thing I want to do in your life! I don't believe this verse is saying to forget the pain as God has used that pain greatly, but rather for me not to dwell there.

I can't wait to see all that God has in store for me as well as in the life of my kids. I am sure the enemy will try again to gain a foothold in my life. My prayer is that I would not allow him to hold me there rather to keep looking to the One who has been an ever present help in all of my times of need...He has been so incredibly faithful to meet my every need and then some. May I continually rest in His goodness and love for me.

Letter to Jason

2010-07-12T00:38:00.004-05:00

(I know I have been a terrible blogger and honestly not sure if/when I will blog again, but this day I felt led. A couple of different individuals have encouraged me to write a letter to Jason since his death...I have never been able to do it until now and even now after re-reading it there is so much more I want to say, but this is a good start. It did provide great therapy while writing. Thanks for letting me share.)

Dear Jason,
Two years ago today you left this fallen world for a place that I can really only dream and imagine. I have to admit to you that I have been somewhat jealous of the thought that you met Jesus before me! I know, I know…selfish of me to speak such. I have tried to imagine what it was like when you stepped into His presence. I have played out in my head you describing all that you saw and experienced over and over. Of course all of it is based on what I believe heaven will be like…I am confident it is so much more than I can even imagine.

To say the words ‘I miss you’ doesn’t really describe what kind of void your departure on this earth left in me. I remember the night I left the hospital of your initial diagnosis of leukemia. I remember thinking in my mind, ‘what if God doesn’t heal Jason?’ What would life be like without you here? I would not let my mind go there that particular night, yet as we both went through the process of fighting the disease it was as if the Lord was preparing my heart that His healing might come in heaven and not on this earth. Even still I couldn’t grasp how life would be without you by my side.

July 9, 2008, I arrived that morning to help you shower and dress for the day. Do you remember me meeting you in the hall of your parents entrance hall? Do you remember how we stood embracing each other for a few minutes? I remember hugging your frail and weak body so tightly and telling you how incredibly proud I was of you. I remember telling you how much I loved you and how incredibly thankful I was to be your wife. Jason, I had no idea that when I left there that day what would transpire just a few hours later. I assure you had I known, taking the kids swimming would have not been on my list of things to do that day. I have beat myself over and over for leaving you for the afternoon, but honestly I thought I was doing the right thing in spending some time with them as well.

During those last few days of your life at FGH your family and mine clung to each other and to our Lord in a way that I really can’t describe. We hurt so much knowing that your hours on this earth were limited, yet, can I tell you that our Lord met us there in that hospital in a way I have never experienced before? Jason, you would have been amazed and totally overwhelmed at the love and support that was shown to our family in those last days. I kept thinking to myself…”I wish Jason could see how much he is loved.” Obviously there were moments of total brokenness over the fact that we knew your time on earth was coming to an end, but there were also moments of joy. Joy, you ask?  Yes, our brothers provided some entertainment and a little comic relief. Oh, and your dad confessed to you while you were unconscious that you were always his favorite! Brad was standing right there when he did it! I am certain that some of your former co-workers in the Intensive Care Unit thought were certifiably crazy! I know you aren’t surprised by that.

And then July 12th came…a day of great beginnings for you yet a day that right now brings me such sadness. There are lots of things that happened that day that thankfully the Lord has helped me to forget, but there are also some things about that day that will forever be with me. I remember the kids coming to see you one last time. I remember how it was the last time the 5 of us were together. It was one of the saddest times of my life, but it was also a precious time as well. Later that day, I remember looking out the big window in your room on the 6th floor of FGH…by the way, they placed you in a room for the last hours of your life that had an incredible view! Sadly we never got that great view during your many inpatient stays while battling leukemia. Anyway, back to looking out the window…the sun was setting and the sky was breathtaking. As I held on to your hand, I remember looking out the window and thinking as the sun is setting in the sky so is the sun setting on our life together on this earth. I remember thinking how I wished I could stop it from setting, but I couldn’t. God had bigger and greater things in store for you. Your total and complete healing came a little before 11:00 p.m. that night.

Oh, how my heart broke into a million pieces. I left pretty quickly after you took your last breath as all I wanted at that moment was for your lifeless body to have life again, but I knew that couldn’t happen so the next thing I wanted was our sweet children. I know, I shouldn’t have woken them, but as was the case so many times in our life together, I was totally dictated at that moment by emotion!
Speaking of the kids…can I just tell you how awesome they are? Honestly, I don’t know how privy you are as to the ongoings on this earth now that your residence is with the King, so let me just tell you our kids are doing amazingly well.

Sweet Anna Lea is just that... so sweet and precious. Her love for you continues to grow even in your absence from her daily life. She relives so many of the special times the 2 of you had together…I love hearing her recall each and every memory. It always makes my heart smile even though often tears fall all at the same time. She misses you a lot. Daily she speaks of you. She asks lots of questions about heaven and what you are doing. I don’t pretend to know all the answers, but we have read a great book together about Heaven. You should read it! Ha! Anyway, the best thing about Anna Lea since your passing is that her faith in our Lord is growing by leaps and bounds. She loves the Lord much...I do want to believe that you are already aware of this!

Jon Brent is one fun little kid and as he did while you were on this earth he continues to bring much JOY to our family. I do have a bone to pick with you about him, though. He is somewhat (ha) OCD about certain things…you know he didn’t get that from me! God has used him to bring laughter on many a day where the pain was just too much. He still looks so much like you that sometimes it takes my breath away. He is so literal with everything. Oh, and he is quite the little dancer. Not sure where he got that, but I have a strong inclination that it came from my neighbor, who happens to be your brother! Oh! I almost forgot…I bought a house right next door to a house that Brad and Sherri bought! We have all thought many times how you would have loved that.

Not forgetting your Ally girl…she is something else. I laugh often and tell people that you would have been puzzled by her. She doesn’t quite fit the mold of the other two. She marches to a different beat altogether, but continues to make us all smile…and scratch our heads. She recognizes you in all the pictures plastered all over our home. Of course right now she thinks you are at the beach in heaven with Jesus.  Anna Lea makes a point daily to talk of you to Ally. She has made it a priority to make sure she knows what her daddy was like. She also looks a lot like you and for that I am most thankful.

So much has happened since your departure…birthdays,new house, Anna Lea and Sherri baptism, first days of school, birth of a sweet new nephew, anniversaries, me returning to work, Christmas, trips to Disney, trips to the beach, family gatherings, etc. Many of those special events/days have been incredibly tough because you weren’t here with us, but I can definitely say that our God has been SO incredibly faithful to all of us. He has provided for our every need. He has carried us when I thought there is no possible way we can go on. He has been so good to us and honestly I don’t deserve any of it.

I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I have wished things could have been different and that God would have chosen to heal you here rather there, but that is just me speaking from my flesh. God was glorified in your death. Even some came to know Him personally because of it. Others returned to Him because of it. For those reasons your death was not in vain. I pray daily that He would continue to receive the all the glory and that He would continue to use our story in pointing others to Jesus.

I wish I could tell you that I have been a perfect mom to the kids and great manager of our finances…I know the thought of me managing the checkbook must make you roll your eyes!  I have failed at lots of things since your passing, but as you know His grace is always enough and covers me daily. Please don’t be upset that I don’t keep receipts or write down every expense in the check register… I promise I am doing the best I can! Haha!

There have been many days where I have just layed in bed praying that it all had been a really bad nightmare and that I am going to wake up to find that none of it happened, yet I quickly discover my true reality. It is those moments that I say aloud…’God, you are sovereign and I trust you.’ His peace is like no other.

I continue to be amazed at our God through all of this. You know I have always loved worship, but since your death I love it even more because when I participate in it I am getting to do the same thing you are doing in heaven! That thought blows my mind.
Jason, I love you so and still so proud that I had the opportunity to be your wife and the mother of your children. I will never get over that blessing. I so look forward to the day where we will all be reunited again. Until then…I’ll keep praising Jesus here while you praise Him there.

Loving and missing you more than I can say,
Stephanie

Happy Birthday, sweet Jason

2009-11-11T10:01:00.002-06:00

November 12th, Jason would have turned 35. I miss him so much that sometimes I have to remind myself to breathe. Although the pain is not as sharp as it once was, it is still there. It is with me everywhere I go. When I wake up, when I go to sleep, when I go to work, when I come home from work, when with the kids, when without the kids...it's always there. I guess it always will be. The grace of our Lord continues to amaze me. It is His grace that gets me through each day...He even provides moments of joy. It's so hard to understand how I can experience joy, yet at the same time feel such sadness over not having Jason in my life. The only way I can attempt to wrap my head around it is to say...BUT God! He continues to supply my every need and then some.

I hate so badly that we can't celebrate Jason's birthday with him today or ever again on this earth. Yet, it is the HOPE of heaven that our Lord gives us that gives me the assurance that one day we will celebrate with him again. To this promise I cling tightly.

I am so proud of our children that the Lord blessed us with. As much as they tire and wear me down each day, I certainly can't imagine going through this thing called life without them. All 3 of them are doing so well considering they are missing their daddy in their life.

Anna Lea speaks daily of him and I am so thankful she does. She is so precious. Jason would be so proud of how well she has handled all of this. She came downstairs last week after the others had already gone to sleep. I was sitting in the den when she asked, “mom, are you angry that daddy died?” Without hesitation I said, “no, Anna Lea, just very sad.” Immediately I asked her the same question. Without any delay she replied, “no, just sad, too, but I am also very happy that he is happy in heaven.” Wow. My prayers are being answered. You see, I can honestly say that I have never been angry with God over his choosing to take Jason home at 33. I have certainly questioned his ways, but I have chosen to trust His sovereignty. I have prayed over and over that my children would always do the same...with this situation as well as any other hard lessons life throws their way. To hear my sweet daughter say she was happy that her daddy was happy in heaven brought me such joy and comfort. She is learning to trust our Lord at such an early age and for that I am so very thankful.

Jon Brent looks the most like Jason and has so many of his characteristics. Sometimes when he smiles it literally takes my breath away because I can see Jason's smile all over his little face. It totally amazes me how many ways Jon Brent is like his daddy. The way he likes his things just so defined Jason to a tee. Daily my parents and I laugh aloud at something Jon Brent does and then we look at each other and say, “that is Jason.” His memories of his daddy are few, but I am praying daily that somehow, someway he'll remember more than most can remember at his young age. The other day I was putting on make-up in my bathroom when Jon Brent started shouting, “mom, come here, come here!” I went to see what he was needing and discovered a large smile on his face with his finger pointing to the tv. There was a music video that Jason used to play for he and Anna Lea from Nick Jr.'s website. The exact video was being played on tv at that moment. He remembered Jason playing it on the computer for them and how they would all dance around while it played. Jason would do this with the kids almost daily when we lived in Naples. Oh, how I was so sad for Jon Brent at this very moment, but at the same time so excited that he remembered this special time on his own.

And then there is sweet Ally. I have written before how I hurt for her in such a different way than the other two. She is full of life and certainly has a mind of her own! She is the most independent one of the three. She would have made Jason laugh...a lot. Her little personality would have really intrigued him. I am certain there would have been moments of him scratching his head over little Ally, but she would have also had him totally wrapped around her finger. Right now her life is happy and full. She doesn't know the sadness we experience on daily basis. She doesn't remember the months Jason was sick or what life was like shortly after his death. All she knows is that she is loved by all that surround her and for the most part all of her wants are met! (mainly by Nana! :) She knows only of the word 'daddy' because Anna Lea saw to it several months ago that she learn who he was from pictures that are placed all over our house. Sadly she really doesn't know him. She will only know of him. She will only know the things about him that we tell her. I am convinced that she will grow to love who he was, but I hate more than I can express that she will never experience his love on this earth.

As I remember sweet Jason on this his birthday, I am still clinging to my Savior to sustain me. My God has been SO incredibly faithful to me each and everyday. I choose to continue to praise Him for He is so worthy to be praised. He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, "My refuge and my fortress, My God in whom I trust!" Psalm 91:1-2

Happy Birthday, sweet Jason! I pray we are making you proud, but more than that I pray we are making Jesus proud. We love and miss you more than you will ever know and as Anna Lea said so simply...we ARE happy that you are happy in heaven! We can only imagine...

Welcome Jon Dawson Weathers!

2009-10-18T23:02:00.017-05:00

Friday morning God blessed this earth by giving Brad and Sherri a healthy baby boy. Dawson is most beautiful! To me he looks very much like his sweet mom. His dad is pretty sweet, too, but I think right now he looks more like ReRe. :) As I experienced the excitement of this new life on Friday, my mind couldn't help but think of Jason. He loved Brad so much and felt just as strongly for Sherri. I hate so badly that he missed out on the birth of their new son, but just maybe our Lord allowed him to catch a glimpse of the joy we were all experiencing. I hate so much that Dawson will not know his Uncle Jason personally, but I know we'll all take the time to tell him what an amazing man he really was.

The kids were so excited to welcome Dawson into this world. I think I now have a new problem to deal with though...since we live next door to Brad and Sherri, they want to be over there CONSTANTLY! Poor Dawson...he has no idea how much love awaits him! They are most proud of their new cousin. I look forward to all the fun memories we will make watching them all grow up together.
Uncle Brad leading the kids to meet Dawson for the first time!

I am so very happy for Brad and Sherri. Many don't know how long they waited for this precious baby. They sacrificed so much of their life while Jason was sick and even now they continue to go above and beyond for us. I am so thankful that God has blessed them with this sweet baby boy. Our God is good!

Anna Lea, Jon Brent and I left for a quick weekend getaway in Oxford on Friday afternoon. Scott, Ashley and the boys moved to Oxford in August so this was our first time to be able to visit them since the move. Between the birth of Dawson and then a weekend with Ross and Anderson...my kids were PUMPED! They also went to their first Ole Miss football game and that was a treat for sure. Of course, wearing red and blue was quite different than wearing black and gold. :)

I have said this so many times before, but I am so blessed with all of my family. Enjoy some pictures from all the excitement we experienced over the last few days. "Taste and see that He is good!"

Ashley with Jon Brent, Ross, Anna Lea and Ross' good friend Mattie

Uncle Scott refers to Ole Miss as the closest place to heaven on earth! (That's a big HA

for me, but sadly he is MOST serious!)

Anderson stayed at home during the game, but I did manage

to take this picture of him while he was dressing up in

his Halloween costume. So fun!

As soon as we got back from Oxford on Sunday we

went straight over to see Dawson!
Anna Lea and Dawson- she loves him so much!

Jon Brent was such a natural holding Dawson. Reminded us
all of his sweet daddy when he held a baby.

Heaven Is the Face...Thanks, Steven Curtis Chapman

2009-09-21T13:36:00.004-05:00

Recently I heard Steven Curtis Chapman's new song entitled "Heaven is the Face." What a song! The Chapman's lost their 5 year old daughter in a most tragic accident around the same time as Jason's death. He captured his feelings of heaven in this song. The first time I heard it I was an emotional wreck. It was definitely an ugly cry, as my dear friend Kristen would say. I attempted to sit down several times to write about it, but there were no words. Until today. Experience this song for yourself in both the lyrics as well as the actual song... Click here.

Heaven is the face of a little girl

With dark brown eyes

That disappear when she smiles.

Heaven is the place

Where she calls my name Says, “Daddy please come play with me for awhile.”

Chorus: God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more,

But God, You know, that this is what I’m aching for.

God, you know, I just can’t see beyond the door.

So right now...

Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep,

Lying on my chest,

falling fast asleep while I sing.

And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms,

Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams

And God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more,

But God, You know, that this is what I’m longing for God, you know,

I just can’t see beyond the door.

Bridge: But in my mind’s eye I can see a place

Where Your glory fills every empty space.

All the cancer is gone,

Every mouth is fed,

And there’s no one left in the orphans’ bed.

Every lonely heart finds their one true love,

And there’s no more goodbye,

And no more not enough,

And there’s no more enemy (no more).

Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss

And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone.

Heaven is the place where she takes my hand

And leads me to You,

And we both run into Your arms.

Oh God, I know, it’s so much more than I can dream.

It’s far beyond anything I can conceive.

So God, You know,

I’m trusting You until I see Heaven in the face of my little girl,

Heaven in the face of my little girl.

I have ashamedly admitted on this blog before how I never longed for heaven the way I long for heaven until my sweet Jason left this earth. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT ready to depart this earth as I have 3 precious children to raise and enjoy, but I don't fear heaven or hold on to this world as tightly as I did prior to July 12, 2008. Steven Curtis Chapman so beautifully described what heaven is to him right now. As he wrote, he knows heaven is so much more than any of us can comprehend. Our understanding of our glorious inheritance can't be fully understood until we see it for ourselves. I think, wait, let me rephrase that...I KNOW our God understands our heart when we long for those that have gone on before us. For He knows our inner most being...better than we know ourselves.

For me heaven IS seeing the face of Jesus and bowing down before Him in adoration, but it also is reuniting with Jason. It will also be the opportunity to see that smile of his and feel his giant arms embrace me once more. It will be a chance to see the way he looked at Anna Lea, Jon Brent and Ally so very lovingly. Oh...heaven will be that and SO much more. God, I continue to trust Your plan until Jason takes my hand again and leads me to You. The day will come...a promise I cling to each day. I am ready. Are you?

Unfailing Love

2009-08-25T16:18:00.003-05:00

I was working around the house the other night after the kids went to bed. As I worked, I decided to listen to my IPod. A song came on that I had not heard in quite some time by Chris Tomlin entitled Unfailing Love. Here are the lyrics. Listen here.

You have my heart and I am yours forever
You are my strength, God of grace and power
And everything You hold in Your hands
Still You make time for me
I can't understand
(Chorus)
Praise You God of earth and sky
How beautiful is Your unfailing love
Unfailing love
And You never change, God you remain
The Holy One of my unfailing love
Unfailing love
You are my rock the One I hold onto
You are my song and I sing for You
And everything You hold in Your hands
Still you make time for me
I can't understand
Praise You God of earth and sky
How beautiful is Your unfailing love
Unfailing love
And You never change,
God you remain The Holy One of my unfailing love
Unfailing love

It is a beautiful song with such simple lyrics. I spent time recently reading through old emails. I came across so many emails that I had sent and others had sent me during the 7 months of Jason's battle with leukemia. As I read through those emails, I was filled with so many emotions. Obviously, sadness engulfed me, but one other emotion that took hold of me was thankfulness to our Lord. Most of the emails I sent were all sent at a very low and dark times. I was writing most of my prayers, thoughts and feelings on the caringbridge site, but some things I kept between close friends and family. Read below a portion of an email I sent out to a few friends the day that Jason went for his first consult at MD Anderson. A little background information...Jason had just gotten out of the hospital after being there for a total of 6.5 weeks. He was released from the hospital on a Sunday and exactly 5 days later I was admitted to the hospital to deliver sweet baby Ally. Jason left for Houston when Ally was 7 days old. Whew! My hormones and emotions were running wild! Read email below. Written on March 3, 2008 at 2:16 p.m.

Dear Friends,
Ok... here I am again. Needing prayer... that's all I am good for these days. Jason in Houston now. He had a pretty bad a.m. and is having or just had the biopsy as I type this email. I am thankful that his dad and brother are with him. He heard the very scary talk today from docs and others about the transplant and all that could possibly take place from that. Not sure how much any of you have read on bone marrow transplants, but it is a very risky procedure. Lots of complications can occur and it isn't always a "sure" thing as far as even engrafting to his body.

I've read where some patients have to have many transplants. Oh, how I pray we're not in that category. I am so tired and emotional right now that I know that me being in Houston would have been a disaster, but oh I wish I was there to comfort him after hearing all the bad he heard this a.m. I have read TONS on bone marrow transplants, but Jason has chosen to stay in dark and I guess I can't blame him if it helps him to get through this time. However, he heard it today. Dr. Bellare and I both warned him that what he'd hear today would scare him and it did. I know they have to tell you the worse case scenario, too.

Dr. Champlin told him he needed a transplant ASAP - possibly even by the end of the month. Hopefully in about 10 days we will hear if there is an initial match. Please pray that there is a perfect match. Un-related matches are even riskier than related match (meaning brother/sister). We were hopeful that he'd be able to finish school while awaiting transplant, but doc in Houston says that isn't possible right now. He says he'll have to continue treatment every so many weeks until a match is found. That is so hard on his body and I can't even imagine how he could physically do it several more times. Very disappointing in so many ways to say the least. He is so close to finishing school. Of course, that means that much longer we are not employed and have no income. That stresses me out a little, too. Trying not to focus on $ b/c I just want my husband well. We'll figure out $ later. Oh, and to top it off, $500,000 is the what they said transplant would cost. Yikes. Anyway, I am rambling right now b/c that is how everything in my head is ... all jumbled up.

Please just pray for me emotionally right now. Obviously, pray for Jason, too. Pray for a perfect match. Pray for J mentally, too. I know he is totally overwhelmed right now. I can't even imagine what it is like for him. Pray for logistics of having to temporarily relocate to Houston, which causes me GREAT anxiety. Literally. Not knowing if my kids can come or how often I'll see them makes me sick to my stomach. Finding a place to live and how we'll pay for that is a need, too. I know God is in control, but I feel as if everything is caving in around me right now. I know this isn't too big for him. I mentally know all of his promises, but my heart isn't grasping them right this minute. I assume these are all very normal emotions that I am feeling. Having just had a baby probably makes me even more emotional, too. Darn hormones. I need my husband well. Our precious children need him well. Oh, how I pray that the Lord's plan is to heal him. I am not sure how I will make it if it isn't a part of his perfect plan.

Wow. Just reading this email again brings back so many feelings, yet I see His hand so clearly now, but in some ways I couldn't see Him then. I see His provisions for us as I look back. He didn't make a way for a match immediately. He didn't arrange housing in Houston. He didn't provide many of the needs I mentioned above because our Sovereign Lord knew that on July 12, 2008, his battle on earth with this disease would come to an end. He didn't meet those needs in our time because His time is different. His ways are not our ways, but regardless He WAS so faithful the entire time. He was working in ways I couldn't see or even imagine and although we so badly wanted God to heal Jason through a transplant, God had a different plan.

Now back to the song I posted at the beginning of this post. His unfailing love never ceases to amaze me. He never changes. Even when I couldn't grasp his promises, they were still true! He was and IS my strength...God of grace and power. He is my unfailing love. I continue to stand in awe of who He is and how He works. May I never get over Him!

2009-08-10T10:04:00.007-05:00

(actually written on Saturday, August 15, 2009 - for some reason the date and time not correct...)
I realized the other day that I really didn't blog much in July. It was definitely a BUSY month. Here are some things that happened in a quick synopsis:

*At the beginning of the month I was able to see the broadway play Wicked for a second time in Memphis with my mom, Ashley, Melinda and good friends, Danya and Megan Hogue. It was even better the second time!

*Right after returning from Memphis came the 1 year anniversary of Jason's death on the 12th. It was a most difficult time, but the kids and I were able to go to Destin with Jason's parents as well as Brad, Sherri and Bailey. I don't think I was totally prepared for the emotions I would experience on the days leading up to July 12th. For the first time since Jason's death, I also began to deal with minor health issues that I know were totally related to the anxieties I was experiencing. As of now, must of those issues have resolved themselves. I must admit that FEAR crept in as I began to deal with some of the issues. Fear that something might be seriously wrong with me. I certainly wasn't taking every thought captive...
Praise God, His grace is enough! Once again, He was there! He brought me a peace that only He could provide.

*While speaking of July 12th, let me take an opportunity to thank SO many of you for your prayers, emails, text messages, cards and ALL the love that was sent my way during that week. Once again I was totally amazed and overwhelmed. The memories of Jason that were shared were absolutely priceless. On July 12th alone I had 115 emails! It was unbelievable. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! I will treasure all of them for years to come, as will the children.

*Once we returned from Destin the next big event was my birthday! Many know how I love my birthday and my good friends certainly came through in a big way. Two in particular went out of their way to make my birthday a fun celebration of fun firsts. Kristen and Becky knew that I had a year of some very difficult 'firsts' without Jason, so they thought it would be fun to celebrate my birthday by doing things I had never done that were FUN! Indeed they were! I was most surprised by all of them and most caught off guard, but a good time was had for sure. I am so blessed to not only have Becky and Kristen in my life, but several other really amazing friends. I am so thankful! I am including some pictures of the fun firsts...

My first massage...Why have I never done this before??? Loved it!

My first dinner at a great new restaurant in Jackson...The Auditorium. Yum!

My first trip to the Collins Zoo! Ha! For those that frequent Hwy 49N heading to Jackson
know this place is quite unusual and not many have actually been behind the pink walls!Hilarious! It definitely should rank up there with the San Diego zoo! ;)

My very first motorcyle ride! Even more hilarious, but I absolutely loved it!
This kind man in the picture is a friend of Kristen and her husband, Clay.
He and his wife are in their small group at church. He was a good sport!

*After the fun firsts birthday, it was time to begin getting ready for school. Boo! Summer is always so fun, but with school comes fall and I love the fall because that means FOOTBALL season! Yay!

We are now trying to settle into a new routine since I have returned to work and Anna Lea to school. I must admit that it has been a little more overwhelming than I originally expected, but once again God's grace is enough! It's not the job itself that is overwhelming, but just finding time to do all I need to do as well as want to do. I am still totally in debt to my mom who continues to amaze me with all she does in caring for my children. I told someone the other day to skip praying for me and pray for Nancy! If she goes down, Stephanie goes down! No joking here!

Emotionally I am doing pretty good right now. I still have lots of moments where the grief is just so heavy, but overall my Lord continues to amaze me in the way He is caring for me. Right now it seems like weekends are the hardest. This is a time that Jason was always home and we were always together as a family. I have always enjoyed going and doing on Friday and Saturday nights, but with just me and the kids, I tend to just stay home as it is most difficult getting out with 3 on my own. In time, I am confident that even this will get better.

I am certain my Lord is still working for good in my life. Sadly I must admit that sometimes I wish He would pull back the curtain for a glimpse of what was to come, but this is where I have to rest in Him and continue to trust that His promises ARE true! "For we know that ALL things work together for good for those that love Him..." Not just SOME, but ALL! To Him be the glory!

New Routine Begins Tomorrow...

2009-08-05T20:54:00.005-05:00

I'm back. Well, not fully, but I am back for a brief entry. I promise more to come in the coming days, but tonight I am just asking for prayer. Tomorrow a whole new routine starts for us. Anna Lea returns to school...2nd grade! Wow. Many emotions tonight in my house. Excitement, nerves and the obvious...all without Jason. Tonight during the blessing before dinner, Anna Lea asked God to please tell her daddy that she was starting the 2nd grade tomorrow. She also asked God to tell her daddy how much she loved and missed him. It's so hard to listen to these type of prayers. I generally say nothing...mainly because tears are usually flowing.

Another part of our new routine is I am going back to work full time. I am returning to Oak Grove Primary School, where I worked in the spring, but this time I will be working every day. I am most anxious as to how all of this will work out, but I know my God will continue to supply my every need. I am more than grateful to my mom, who will be keeping Jon Brent and Ally while I am away. She will also have the responsibility of getting Anna Lea to and from school each day as I won't be home until 3:00 p.m. each day and I have to leave each morning before Anna Lea leaves.

This is where I need you...yet again. Will you please pray for an easy adjustment to working full time again? Will you pray for my sweet mom who is sacrificing her life for me and the children? Will you also pray for my kids as they transition once again? My emotions are roaring tonight for many reasons, but I continue to lean heavily on a BIG and GOOD God.

Sunday our pastor preached from a wonderful passage of scripture found in 1 Peter. Once again our Lord knew I needed these exact words.

1 Peter 1: 3-9

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

I am so incredibly thankful for my salvation. I am so blessed by God's word. He's at work and I so want to be used by Him!

Thank you in advance for your prayers!

P.S. Thanks so much for the birthday messages...both here and facebook. I do love my birthday...more to come on that later! :)

2009-07-29T00:32:00.002-05:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEPH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone join me in wising her a very happy birthday! Please!

A biological friend who views her as a hero.

What's on Your Bucket List?

2009-07-25T01:01:00.007-05:00

(Scott here.) On July 10, 2008, the greatest man I have ever known entered Heaven’s gate.

Stephanie asked prior to the anniversary of J’s passing, on this and other venues, for everyone’s memories and stories about Jason during his 33 years on this Earth. I was comforted and blessed by reading those recounts and seeing those pictures, and I can only imagine how much it comforted and blessed Steph. I abstained from offering my memories until this point, but my most lasting memory is more about his impact than any particular event or circumstance.

In 2004, Tim McGraw released a song named "Live like you were Dying." He refers to what for Jason was January 7, 2008. He talks of someone who gets news that "this might be the end." We all had unceasing faith and hope on January 7 and until July 10th, but as I read Internet site after site, I realized on that first day that "this might be the end." The ugly L-word is ugly for a reason.

McGraw’s song is powerful as he recounts all that his father did when he got the news that the end was near. In a powerful way, he recounts the "bucket list" of his father. (Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman made the "bucket list" term famous in the 2007 movie by the same title that was about what they wanted to do when faced with death. )

McGraw’s dad went skydiving, he went rocky mountain climbing, and he went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu. He loved deeper, and he spoke sweeter. He gave forgiveness that he’d been denying. All the while, he hoped that others would get the chance to LIVE LIKE THEY WERE DYING. But for the subject of the song, he had to find out he WAS dying to live like he was dying.

From the beginning of his illness, Jason was far too ill to go skydiving or to ride a bull, but I doubt he would have even if he physically could have. Instead, he spent the next 6 months fighting for his life, getting to know his Heavenly Father even better and loving his family every chance he got and in every way he possibly could. To me though, the last six months were almost inconsequential as it relates to his bucket list.

J’s lasting legacy and my most precious memory is that he lived every day from the day I met him living "like he was dying." I remember on July 12th, 2008 listening to Paul Koonce, Scott Hall, Dr. Ronnie Kent, Dr. Nagan Bellare and my amazing pop celebrate Jason’s life by pointing all those in attendance to live like Jason lived. Jason lived every day from the moment he gave his life to Christ like he was dying. He knew, like most of us claim to know, that every moment was precious. He lived fulfilling his "bucket list" for many years prior to learning that the end may be near.

He didn’t sky dive or ride a bull, but he loved my sister like she was the only woman on Earth. He adored his children, and his massive arms could calm even a colic baby – not only due to their size, but primarily because all three of his children could feel the unceasing love in his grasp. Every friend he ever had from every walk you could imagine looked up to him due to his convictions and the way he lived his life. He loved his friends in such an unconditional way that he had no enemies. These are but the surface. As you dig deeper into Jason Weathers’ life, you see even more how he lived every day like he was dying.

My desired bucket list is simple. I want to live like I am dying in the same way Jon Jason Weathers did every day of his life.

I miss you J. I will always love you sis. May God continue to bless those precious children. As Dr. Kent pointed out during J’s celebration service, Psalms 112 promises us that blessed is the man who fears the Lord, who finds great delight in His command. His children will be mighty in the land. Because of this, I know that great things await Anna Lea, Jon Brent and Ally. I rest assured in these words.

God bless Jon Jason Weathers during this anniversary month. I can’t wait to see him one day. (J, put in a good word for your brother and me. We need it.)

Scott

Giants

2009-07-11T23:02:00.003-05:00

Giants by Mike Madaris, Written 7/12/08, upon the coronation & homegoing of Jason Weathers.

Giants still walk the land occasionally.
I know this, because I knew one.
Physically strong and imposing
But that’s not the topic here,
For, he was not fearsome
Unless you lined up opposite him
On a football field
Or tried to throw him into a pool against his will.
Those aside, He got along with everybody.
Literally, everybody, as far as I knew.
Calm of demeanor, yet loved to laugh.
Quiet in personality, yet loved hard rock.
Intelligent, but not desiring to flaunt that.
Private, yet the son of a very public man
And later, married into another very public family.
In the midst of all, he was a giant.

The courtship. She was the only one.
They met when her Dad took a job at the giant’s church.
And his Dad’s. And his Granddad’s.
The realizing came quickly to most.
These two were a match.
They realized it too.
The courtship lasted until they finished college.
And he remained a giant.
Always loving, yet always honoring.
Serving. Cherishing. As it was intended to be.
Role models. Giants.
Who else marries a giant, but another giant after all?

10 years of marriage. A move to FL.
3 children deeply treasured.
One looks like her mother, yet like Dad in temperament.
One looks like his Dad, yet tempered like his mother.
And one too young to answer these questions
Though she surely looks like her Dad.
Each nurtured. Treasured. Celebrated.
Giants are like that about their offspring.

A servant’s heart.
Toward his lady. Toward his children.
Toward his friends. Toward his Lord.
Church service involved the out of the way
The behind the scenes
The un-glamorous
The invisible.
Sometimes giants stay in the background.
Perhaps that is why so few of us believe in them any more.

The servant heart spilled over into career choice.
Especially poignant to me this week
As I have been greatly served and blessed by multiple nurses
As a patient, I say the best in that field are wired as servants.
Others-centered. Paycheck almost incidental.
Towering over the rest of us.
Giants.

The dreadful disease with the nasty prognosis
The treatment nearly as nasty
Uncertainty. Doubt. Fear.
In his case, for others more than self
Beloved wife and treasured children.
Parents. Parents-in-law. Brother. Brother-in-law.
Not wanting to burden others with the battle he fought so well.
The larger men among us worry about us like that.
7 months of desperate fighting.
Interspersed with time spent with family and with lesser mortals.
Like me. At Starbucks.
Still dreaming of an earthly future that would never be.
Then the end; rather, the beginning.
What, after all, is a last, horrendous week against 30+ years of a towering-above life?
Faith became sight.
Death & disease forever vanquished.
Healing. No more illness, no more treatment, no more pain.
“Well Done, good and faithful servant.”
The stuff of dreams. Thankfully, not of legends.
Hopes and dreams realized.
Sin not only defeated, but now utterly removed.
As has been sung, "I can only imagine." He need not imagine any more.
This makes me smile through tears.
Victory won. Decisively. Forever.
It is well…it is well with his soul.
In that land, there are only giants. Now one more.
And this land seems all the more empty.

Remembering Jason's Life

2009-07-07T22:51:00.003-05:00

Two days in a row! I am not sure how that has happened, but here I am! Today I had a couple of hours of what I would consider down time. Anna and Jon Brent, along with Ross who has been staying with us for a few days, had gone to the Brent's to hang with this precious family for the day. What a treat for my crew and for me! Anyway, while Ally and I were spending some time together, I found myself totally consumed with the loss of Jason. I was remembering all that took place the last week of his life. I was focusing on all the dreams we had together that were never fulfilled. I was looking at how much Ally had changed since Jason saw her last and thinking how they both had missed out on each other. It was one of those moments where I was totally paralyzed with grief.

I decided at that particular moment I needed to focus not on his death and all the things that didn't take place rather I should focus on his life and all the wonderful things that did take place. I needed to focus on all the years where leukemia didn't mandate our conversations or our thoughts. Even the good memories can be tough to focus on, but MUCH easier than what we actually faced the week he died as well as the six months leading up to it.

So, tonight I need your help. I wrote a status on facebook asking for YOUR memories of Jason. I have so enjoyed all that so many have shared. Many on facebook and several more through email. I sat Anna Lea down tonight and read a few to her. It did my heart good to see her smile while hearing the things so many remembered about her daddy. Please take a moment and share a memory you might have of sweet Jason. You may comment on this blog, my personal email (stephanieweathers@hotmail.com) or facebook.

More to come from me in the next few days...of this I am certain! Our God is at work and I am a recipient of His goodness. He is faithful even in the darkest of times. I press on knowing He is working for my good!

This is the week

2009-07-07T00:05:00.004-05:00

This is the week that I have been dreading for so long, yet at the same time I have wanted it to come and go quickly. Have I mentioned how tricky grief really can be? July 12th marks the one year anniversary of Jason's death. This time last year I had no idea that this would be the week that Jason's life would end. I knew he was very sick. I knew he was most weary of fighting this horrific disease, but I had no idea what would unfold on the afternoon of July 9th. (Respiratory failure due to chemo induced pneumonia which then caused Jason to go into cardiac arrest.) I spent over an hour reading Jason's caring bridge site tonight...specifically the entries written this week. To say that was difficult is a huge understatement. So incredibly painful to relive, but for some reason I felt the need to do it. I will be writing more than usual this week and I thank you for the opportunity to simply share my heart. Tonight I wanted to share an entry I wrote on July 6, 2008. I continue to be amazed at how God works even in my pain. To Him be the glory...

It's about 11:45 p.m. and I had no intention of updating tonight, but I am up with lots on my mind. Not sure if those who are reading this day to day realize this, but writing in this journal is therapy for me. Pretty cheap therapy, too. News flash... I am not a great writer, not even a good writer, but I write here b/c in some ways it helps me. So... it is almost midnight and I need therapy.

In less than 15 minutes it will have been exactly 6 months since we started this bend in the road. Six months and right now there is no end in sight. I think this is the hardest part of this journey is not knowing when this will come to an end. I shared with someone recently that if we just knew we had to endure this for ___ number of months, we could all press on a lot easier. Those of you following Mississippi news might have seen the well known attorney's son that was sentenced to 14 months in federal prison. I noticed that this individuals wife is pregnant. My heart broke for her at first, however, then in an instant I wanted to call her and tell her what my life has been like the last 6 months and then encourage her that she could get through these next 14 months b/c she knows exactly when her nightmare would end. Call me selfish, I guess. I know God chooses not to show us how our life will unfold and in some ways I am thankful, but in other ways I wish I knew.

My heart hurts so much for Jason. He feels so lousy and right now he has nothing to look forward to because as soon as he starts to feel better he'll have to go right back to FGH and do it all over again. Please right now pray for relief for Jason. He's tired and weary. He's lost that twinkle in his eye. He tries to smile, but it's an empty smile. I miss my husband. I miss just hanging out talking about things other than medicine, blood sugars, chemo, body temperature, etc. I miss that sweet smile and laugh of his. I miss the way he interacts with the kids. I miss the way he is normally SO hands on with them. I just miss the things that this horrible disease is suppressing right now. I know that those of you that have watched a love one fight through something like this know exactly what I am talking about. Please pray that Jason will begin to feel better and soon. I need him! The kids need him! God is teaching me so much about patience right now. Obviously, after "hearing" my heart tonight you know that I haven't mastered the WAIT word. We're all tired, Lord. Give us all the strength and the perseverance to get through the rest of this journey.

We need MORE of you, Jesus!

I am even more convinced that our Lord was not only preparing me for Jason's departure from this earth, but He was also preparing Jason. He was tired of all that he was having to experience. I am so thankful to our Lord for never giving us an ounce more of what we can handle. His promises are true day after day. I had no idea that the night I wrote these words that Jason's journey would come to an end 6 days later.

I miss Jason so much and wish so badly things could have turned out differently for all of us, but His word continues to bring me great comfort. Our Lord heard my hearts cry on this day last year. He knew we were all tired. He did give us the strength to press on and He still showed up BIG and continues to do so even today. I have so many thoughts this week. So many emotions. Thanks for allowing me to share them here. Thanking all of you in advance for praying our family through this week.

Vacation Time

2009-06-28T22:21:00.012-05:00

Yesterday began the annual beach vacation with my family and Ashley's (sister in law) family. Ashley and I left Hattiesburg with all 5 children yesterday morning. We made several memories just driving down! We were the first to arrive while all the rest are coming at different intervals throughout the week. The 2 most helpful arrived today...the grandmothers! We are most thankful for Nana and Mo! Don't get me wrong, we are also very thankful for the grandfathers, who will be arriving later.

My usual type blog entry to follow later this week, but tonight I just thought I'd take a few minutes and share just a sample of the fun that is being had thus far. I am so incredibly thankful for this fun time and looking forward to the rest of the week as the entire family makes their way to join us. My very favorite things...family and beach!

How Deep the Father's Love for Us

2009-06-20T23:12:00.005-05:00

Father's Day...so many thoughts and even more emotions. I have hurt deeply for my children this weekend as I hate so badly that their earthly father is no longer with them. Thankfully they don't hurt like me. I have shed many tears over the last several days as Father's Day has drawn near. I have also reflected on how blessed I am on this Father's Day weekend.

My dad has been a rock for me all of my life, but most especially since Jason's diagnosis and death. During the entire 6 months that Jason battled leukemia, my dad was so incredibly strong for me. He was always there. I don't say that to sound cliche' rather that statement best describes who Gary Shows is. He was so faithful to visit me and Jason in the hospital. He was always more than willing to stay with him in order to give me and Brad a break. (Even though Jason preferred Brad as sometimes my dad was known to snore and keep Jason awake! haha!) Every time we heard bad news from Dr. Bellare, he was always first to arrive on the scene. His mere presence brought me great comfort. He was with me (along with Sherri) in ICU the morning after Jason went into cardiac arrest. We arrived at 5:30 a.m. only to hear from the ICU physician that based on his initial assessment, he did not believe Jason had any brain activity, but that further testing would be done just to be certain. I wanted to collapse and I could because my dad was there to pick me up and hold me close. My dad has officiated many funerals in his ministry and I am sure having to conduct Jason's was the most difficult one he's ever had to do, yet he did it so willingly. Just knowing he was in that role brought me HUGE comfort. He has stepped up to the plate with my children like they were his very own. Although he jokes with me sometimes about his added responsibilities since Jason's death, (mainly my yard and sometimes the extra kids spending the night at his house:) I know he loves me and the kids with an unconditional love. I know that at any time of need, he is just a phone call away. He certainly gets MANY phone calls, too! :) I am so blessed to have him as my dad. There is so much more to say about him, but the most important thing I can say about him is his steadfast love for our Heavenly Father. His love for Him has been passed down to me and now to my children. What a legacy!

Even as I hurt for my children because they can't celebrate Father's Day with their earthly father, I am reminded that we ALL can celebrate our Heavenly Father on this day. His love for us is more than we can even comprehend sometimes and even greater than any earthly Father could ever give. For that I am thankful. So, Happy Father's Day to my dad as well as the ultimate Father!

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
And make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the man upon the cross
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

P.S. Happy Father's Day to Uncle Brad, Uncle Scott, Papa, and Bob-B, too. Thank you for standing in the gap for Anna Lea, Jon Brent and Ally. I am MOST appreciative for your love and sacrifice to them. :)

2009-06-13T09:52:00.004-05:00

(Recent photos of the kids before VBS two mornings)

I have sat down to blog over the last several days (usually late at night), but each time I would begin I just couldn't do it. It's been a very busy week because of Vacation Bible School, which was great, but it has also been a very difficult week for me. I say often that grief is really tricky and the last 10 days have been just that. I had just told my good friend Mary Margaret last Friday that I really felt I was doing so much better emotionally. Anyway, I can recognize several factors causing this week to be rough, but I think a lot of it is the fact that we are approaching July 12th. A year.

Last Sunday our pastor preached a sermon on raising children. As I sat and listened I became so overwhelmed with the task before me in raising my children without their daddy. I was so overwhelmed that the tears began to flow and I couldn't stop them. I kept asking the Lord, "how can I do this alone?" The responsibility is tremendous. This week I was reminded of something someone told me once..."if He calls you to it, He'll equip you to do it." My Lord has called me to a life without my husband so once again I must trust that He'll equip me to raise these children without him. I hurt deeply as I listened to our pastor talk about how important it was for a daddy to "date" his daughter(s) in order to prepare them on how they were to be treated one day. Jason was so good at spending one on one time with Anna Lea and did it quite frequently. (Unfortunately, he never really got to do this with Ally.) Once again my heart broke as I thought about Anna Lea and Ally not having their daddy model to them how a man should treat a woman. During the invitation it was as if the Lord quietly whispered in my heart, "I will be the father to the fatherless..." (Psalm 68:5 - "Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation.") What a promise! How I am clinging to this very promise right now!

I have been following several individuals who had been battling AML over the last year and a half. Over the last 2 weeks, three of these individuals have lost their battle with this nasty disease. On Tuesday night, I learned that yet another one of them relapsed for a 3rd time. Once again my heart broke. I hurt so deeply for these families as I know the dark valley they will have to walk through in the coming days. As I thought about their loss as well as my own, I began to ponder God's ways. Once again, I was reminded His ways are NOT our ways.

Isaiah 55:8-9
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

His thoughts are so much HIGHER than ours. I believe with everything within me that He is sovereign and that ultimately His plan is far better than mine. If I don't believe that then I might as well pull the covers over my head and not ever get out of bed. He is my ONLY hope! Why did Jason Weathers have to die at 33 and leave a wife and 3 small children? I may never know, but one thing I do know is that we were put on this earth for HIS glory. Yes, it hurts deeply. More than I ever thought possible, but through it all He does sustain me. He loves me with an everlasting love even when I question His ways.

There have been moments this week that I have thought I can't possibly take this pain anymore... only to be encouraged by a text message, facebook message, or friends for lunch/dinner. I am SO blessed to have such GREAT friends who never seem to grow weary of their 'needy' friend these days. Our Lord is using all of these ways to keep me going and for that I am so incredibly thankful.

A friend of mine and Jason's sent me an email the other day with the lyrics to a song that blessed me so much. Indeed I needed these words at the very moment he sent them, too. (Another way God worked.) I want to share them with you, but I also want you to hear the song. Please click on the link...HERE

The video that goes with the song isn't all that great, but the song is so good.

The Valley Song by Jars of Clay

You have led me to the sadness

I have carried this pain

On a back bruised, nearly broken

I'm crying out to you

I will sing of Your mercy

That leads me through valleys of sorrow

To rivers of joy

When death like a Gypsy

Comes to steal what I love

I will still look to the heavens

I will still seek your face

But I fear you aren't listening

Because there are no words

Just the stillness and the hunger

For a faith that assures

Alleluia, alleluia

While we wait for rescue

With our eyes tightly shut

Face to the ground using our hands

To cover the fatal cut

And though the pain is an ocean

Tossing us around, around, around

You have calmed greater waters

Higher mountains have come down (my FAVORITE part!)

Anna Lea's blog

2009-06-02T10:13:00.004-05:00

Anna Lea and I spent a few minutes this a.m. on the porch just talking about Jason. Jon Brent was busy playing with something and Ally was napping at my moms. We had a great talk. Laughed some and cried more. She misses Jason so much, but overall she really is doing remarkable. I am so thankful to our Lord for this. She really loves "making up" stories in her journal so after our talk, I asked her if she wanted to write something about her daddy for me to include in the blog. She was MOST eager. It took her a long time, but she seemed to really enjoy it. I only helped her spell a few words. Well, maybe more than a few, but who's counting! This is a small glimpse into her little mind in regards to her daddy.

This is Anna Lea.

Me and my daddy always watched movies together. And then we would take a nap. I love my daddy because he was sweet. I think about daddy every night. Once me and daddy went to eat together at panera bread and we had so much fun. We would go on dates like that together a lot. He took me to lots of movies. Just me and him. Mom would stay with Jon Brent when he was a baby. I am sad that he can't take me on dates anymore. A couple of days ago I dreamed that daddy came back to earth. He could not stay long then he went back to heaven. He looked the same but he had hair. Just like he used to have. Hair on the sides. He said Anna Lea I love you. I am so glad to see you again. Then Ally walked in the room and said daddy! Jon Brent ran and hugged daddy. My mom came in the room and she was crying. That was all about my dream. I am so glad that I had a daddy like him. I miss him so much. I miss his hugs. I miss him being around me a lot. I miss all of the silly things he did. I miss the silly things mom would get on to him about. I miss playing on the computer with my daddy. We would play games and listen to fun music. Daddy's favorite music was Jimmy Buffet and my favorite music was Wake Up by Hillary Duff. We would turn it up loud and dance and mommy would get mad because sometimes the music was rock and roll. It would be so loud. It was fun. I miss daddy so much. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I smile when I think about him. I hope he misses me. I know I will see him again one day. That makes me really happy.

Happy 4th Birthday, Jon Brent

2009-05-27T22:21:00.020-05:00

Four years ago tonight sweet Jon Brent Weathers was preparing to make his grand entrance into the world. I woke up around 3 a.m. that Saturday, May 28, because I couldn't sleep as I was most uncomfortable. Shortly after I awoke, I realized that it was time to head to the hospital...my water broke! I woke Jason and told him that it was time to go and his response was, "are you sure?" Of course I was sure! At 7:53 a.m. Jon Brent arrived! So perfect with such pretty lips and his daddy's nose. Actually, everything about him looked like Jon Jason! See for yourself:

We were so very excited that God saw fit to give us this beautiful baby boy. Jason was most proud to be a daddy to a son and immediately began calling Jon Brent his buddy. He really was the most perfect baby. He would just sit and look around as if to be taking the world in around him. It wasn't until he was about 9 months old that his real personality started to shine. His expressions were and continue to be so animated and his love for life is HUGE. He is somewhat sensitive and can become emotional if/when life doesn't go his way, but he gets that honestly from me. He is much like his daddy in that he loves order with his things. He likes for everything to be in their place. Even when he eats a snack he sometimes will line the food on his plate in perfect order. The older he gets, the more he looks like Jason. What a blessing! He does have my brown eyes, but all other features are more like his daddy's. One of the most unique traits of Jon Brent is his voice. He only knows one volume and that is LOUD! Jon Brent lives life LOUDLY! Jason was much like this as well...ha! Those that knew Jason well know that is a joke for sure.

Lots has happened in the life of this sweet little boy over the last 4 years. A move to Naples, Jason's diagnosis of leukemia, a move back to Hattiesburg, the birth of a baby sister, and less than 2 months after his 3rd birthday, the death of his sweet daddy. Jon Brent has remained such a joy to all of us during all of these MAJOR transitions. He talks of his daddy daily. He remembers some things about Jason on his own and loves it when I remind him of special things his daddy would do with him. He asks lots of questions about why Jason had to go to heaven, but he is always accepting of all the unknowns. He believes with his whole heart that Jason rides motorcycles in heaven!!! Ha! I have no idea where he comes up with such things...

I strolled down memory lane tonight looking at pictures of the last four years of Jon Brent's life to include in this entry. I hope you enjoy looking back with me.

Happy Birthday, Jon Brent! Thank you for the JOY you have brought and continue to bring into my life. I am so blessed to be your mom. I can't wait to see what God has in store for you! I pray you will always choose the path of righteousness. I pray you will love God's word deeply and seek Him all the days of your life. I love you THIS much! :)

His sovereignty

2009-05-18T22:19:00.010-05:00

Not a long entry tonight...just wanted to share something I have read and re-read and certainly can cling to each and every day. Before I begin, thank you for still hanging with me on this blog. I'd really like to write more, but with 3 kids, time just doesn't permit. Usually when I do sit down to write, it is after 10:00 p.m. My eyes begin to fail me at this point of the day! I will say it is still an incredible blessing to me that you still share in my journey. I do joke about this being therapy for me, but it really is such a great outlet for me.

As I look back over the last year and a half, I stand amazed at the journey. I stand amazed at our Lord! His hand at work still blows my mind even in my deepest pain. Last week I spent some time with one of my very best friends, who lives out of town. God bless her for her faithfulness to me each and EVERY time I text or call, which has been numerous over the last 11 months especially. We had spent almost the entire day together when she commented on how we both had made it through the day without a major breakdown. Please don't misunderstand...the loss of Jason and his memory was discussed continually. I was somewhat taken back and even asked her if she thought that was normal.

I knew the answer to that question, but for a brief moment I was somewhat worried. Why would I worry about this? It is yet just another way of how my God is ever present and is continually healing and mending my heart. I still miss Jason more than words can express and sometimes my emotions are all over the map, but He remains faithful and His grace is always sufficient.

I know after Jason died, but less and less now, I would replay every medical decision during his illness and especially the last 4 days of his life. I would allow myself to play the "what if" game. You know the game.
What if MD Anderson or UAB would have done this or that?
What if I would have insisted that he stay in the hospital with the pneumonia?
What if I would have stayed with Jason on the day he went into cardiac arrest rather than taking the kids swimming?
You get the point. I have had to take these thoughts captive each and every time. Not only have I had to take each thought captive, I've had to say aloud, "Lord, I trust your sovereignty."

The excerpt below is taken from Beth Moore's, Praying God's Word:
My God is in heaven, He does whatever pleases Him. (Psalm 115:3) Lord, sometimes my only answer will be that You are sovereign. Your word says that the death of Your saints is absolutely precious to You. (Psalm 116:15) One day I will have the answers. Until then, I must trust that You have power and dominion over all things and that You know best. Help me to believe this even when I don't feel this.

Regardless if any of those "what if" questions could be answered differently, my God is in complete control. NONE of what we endured while Jason was sick took Him by surprise. I love the last sentence of the excerpt. There have been many days that just saying that I trusted His sovereignty has been tough. However, IF I can't cling to His sovereignty then I might as well throw in the towel. Praise God He always shows up during these moments of little faith and gives me just a small glimpse of His sovereign hand. One day we'll all know why we have to endure such pain on earth, but until then may we all trust that through it all His will is being accomplished --- to become more like Him! Oh, that because of this journey, I'd look a little more like Jesus.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom

2009-05-09T19:20:00.006-05:00

Proverbs 31:15-31

She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
"Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Mother's Day. I am certainly thankful for a day set aside to honor my mother. I am going to attempt in a very small way to honor her for all she does for me. Nancy Shows is like no other. I call her the Energizer Bunny...she keeps going and going and going and going! Most of her "going" now revolves around my needs. Scott would tell you that I have always dominated her, but I will admit that has definitely been the case over the last year and a half. When Jason got sick, she stepped into overdrive and hasn't stopped. I did excuse her for 5 days when she and my dad went to the beach back in September. Everything fell apart while she was gone so I informed her that she couldn't do that again for a while! Ha!

Every night she calls me and asks, "what do you need me to do for you tomorrow?" No joke! It's almost embarassing to even admit! :) On the days that I work, she arrives at my house at 7:45 a.m. to care for Jon Brent and Ally. Not only does she take care of them, but most days I come home to a "Nancy" clean house along with the laundry washed and folded. Those of you who know my mom well know what "Nancy" cleans means. NO ONE cleans like my mom. And guess what? I didn't inherit that gene!

She willingly gave up a career last year that she loved and excelled in tremendously in order to help me with the kids. The origianal reason she planned to retire early was so that she could take care of the kids while I cared for Jason when he received the bone marrow transplant in Birmingham. The transplant never came, but I certainly couldn't have made it ONE without my mom after Jason died. God knew I needed a mom like Nancy Shows for such a time as this!

The financial sacrifice she makes DAILY for me and my family are more than appreciated. As many moms do, she does without so that we don't have to! The love and time she gives my kids is unbelievable.

I know she never dreamed at this stage of her life that she would be doing what she is doing, but I praise God DAILY for her. She is a rock for me. She is always there. She keeps on keeping on for me even when I am at my lowest and not the most fun to be around. She gets the good, the bad, and the ugly. I know she grows very weary and I pray CONTINUALLY that our Lord would sustain her.

As I re-read Proverbs 31 today, I was once again reminded how this passage truly describes Nancy Shows. Mom, Happy Mother's Day. I hope you understand how incredibly thankful I am for you. I hope you know that not a SINGLE days goes by that I don't thank our Lord that he saw fit to bless me with a mom like you. Thank you for all you do. Thank you most importantly for loving Jesus more than me and continually pointing me to Him! The life you live has to be most pleasing to our Lord. Oh, to be more like you! I know that would certainly make your life easier! ha! I love you MUCH! May God bless you over and over!

SIDE NOTES:
1. Thank you Scott and Ashley for being so understanding that I do dominate Nana so much. One day I pray I won't be so needy! :)

2. Also, thanking God for Mrs. Peggy this weekend. So thankful that she raised such wonderful boys in Jason as well as Brad. I know this Mother's Day will be hard for her as it her first Mother's Day without J. Praying you through this day, Mrs. Peggy.

Found Treasures

2009-05-04T21:54:00.003-05:00

Tonight as I sat down at the computer I found myself scrolling through documents of Jason's. I have done this one other time right after he died, but tonight I found 2 things that I had not seen before. God is good like that...

The first thing I found was a note he had typed on our 9th wedding anniversary, which we celebrated in Naples. It wasn't a long note, but a simple message. Jason usually had to be in surgery by 6:00 a.m. so he would quietly eat his breakfast in our office at home so not to wake me nor the kids. Apparently that a.m. he decided to type a message on the screen so that when I sat down at the computer this was the first thing I would see. The message simply said,

"Happy Anniversary, Steph! I love you more than I can say. Thank you for 9 wonderful years! I look forward to many more!"

Wow. So thankful to find this tonight even through the tears. A little piece of J. A little reminder of the love we shared. Although very difficult in some ways to see the last part of the message...still so good to see. We didn't get many more anniversaries after the ninth one, but oh how incredibly blessed to have had the years I had with him. Thank you, Jesus!

Another document I found on our computer tonight was an email that Jason saved. The email was between me and my brother, Scott. Jason saved it as "encouragement to Steph by Scott." At first I was puzzled as to why he saved it, but I am so thankful he did. The email was written on August 14, 2006. We had just moved to Naples a few months prior to this and at the time I was experiencing GREAT homesickness over being so far away from home. I was pretty much having a pity party because God had called us so far away from Hattiesburg. I was also experiencing the Lord in a very sweet way, too. I have said this time after time, but how very thankful I am for the time God placed us in Naples. The Lord used that wonderful place to prepare me for the journey I would soon walk with Jason and then the next part of the journey without him. How I went kicking and screaming, but how thankful I am for it now!

Anyway, back to the email. My brother emailed me an email that was most encouraging and although my circumstances are SO very different than they were August 14, 2006, it ministered to my soul once again. I am so thankful Jason saw fit to save this in our personal documents. See below the email...

Hey Scott. It seems like months since we have talked. I hate that, but I know you are really busy. I hope things are going well for you. I pray for you often. And I don't just say that to be saying that.

Things are beautiful in Naples, but it doesn't really feel like "home" for me yet. It has been an emotional road the last several days, but I am persevering. I must say NEVER has there been a time in my life when I have been so lonely and homesick. I know the Lord placed us here for a reason and I am beginning to see one of those reasons was for me to realize that HE is all I really need. The Lord has reminded me of that promise over and over the last several days. I have discovered that He will never leave me nor forsake me. No one else can make that promise to me. It is very strange to move to a town and not know a soul - literally. You know that every other move we've made things have been made easy for us. People catered to me b/c I was Gary Shows' daughter. They made sure I had friends - in good classes at school -even introduced me to my mate. :) This time that hasn't happened. Jason has been very sweet and understanding, but I know it is hard for him to "be there" for me all the time b/c of his hard schedule. My walk with the Lord is so much sweeter right now and for that I am grateful.

Anna Lea started preschool today. She did good. A little uneasy at first, but I think she had a good time. Jason and I were SO nervous. I think she will enjoy this school once she makes some friends and gets in the routine. She wanted to wear her "Anna Lea" dress so that she didn't have to wear a name tag. Smart, isn't she? She takes after Uncle Scott. She didn't have to wear a name tag either.

Jon Brent is FINALLY starting to take some steps. He took several tonight and then realized what he was doing and sat down. He is so much like Jason, but he acts like me. Poor kid.

Ok, I'd better go help get kids to bed. I guess you are getting "geared" up for Ole Miss football. Go Rebs! :)
We'll be pulling for them here in South Florida. We are coming home the last week in Sept. I know we won't see you since both weekends we'll be home Ole Miss has home games. I know where your heart is! Ha! Love you,
Steph

Scott's response: August 16, 2006
Sis,

My heart has hurt for you every time I think of you. You know that I am no longer an overly sensitive guy. I blame that on some hard times that I had and was only able to survive thanks to prayer warriors like you and Nancy. However, even with your prayers, I still reverted to the humanistic solution and hardened up. That bothers me most of the time, but never more than when I read this email and thought about my thoughts about your situation over the last few weeks.

Steph, I will be honest and tell you that I have not reached out to you because I was convinced that you, your beautiful children and the relationship you have with you terrific husband would be even stronger after this move. I have never been jealous of the unique relationship you have had with our parents, and I have been thankful that you have been able to fill their cup for me and you both. However, I selfishly decided that I knew it all (surprising, huh?) and that this move to Naples would allow you to discover life without the luxuries and downsides of being Gary Shows' daughter.

You see, in 1990, I chose to go to Ole Miss at the last moment. That decision made me what I am today, and I will never regret one day in the progression that led me to August 14th, 2006. However, 1990 was rough. You were able to love me through the unhealthy end to an unhealthy relationship, but you missed the heartache of 1990. I learned to make my own way for the first time in my life. You are right that our moves, while difficult, were always easier because they were God driven and God provided support second to none. In Oxford, I was truly alone at first. I had to make it or not, and there was no church member or church family to call someone and make sure it was corrected.

I have falsely believed that you would come to the same conclusion that I did, and that would be that this would help you define who the Jason Weather's family really was. Not Jon Mark and Gary's kids, but the Jason Weather's family. But, in my now typical hard manner, I lost sight of the fact that even if I was right, there was a lot of hurt along the way. Placing fragile children in the wake of that hurt makes your path 100 times worse than the path God gave me.

I tell you all this for three reasons:

1. You are right that God has you there for a very specific reason. Only He can reveal that reason, and only on His time will it be revealed. I gave a bad analogy to Mom last night. What if God wants Anna Lea to be a missionary to China? She can remember being in a "foreign" place and making her home, friends, identity, etc. at the ripe old age of 4! How much easier it will be in the later stages in life?

2. I am a heartless brute that should be required to slide down a slide of razor blades into a pool of alcohol if my sister thinks she is interrupting my busy schedule at her biggest time of need. Not to mention that she truly believes my heart lies with Ole Miss football. That is only partly true. :)

3. You are going to be okay. I know you know it and don't want to hear it, but you have to remember it. Every day will become easier and easier, and I KNOW that your unbelievable personality will endear you to all that you come in contact with. I have been so proud the last 20 years or so to see you blossom. There is no stranger when Stephanie Shows Weathers is around. That is a spiritual gift that you can cash checks with. Embrace it, trust in Lord and try to find the positives! Mom used to always tell us that we needed an attitude adjustment. That can apply in every situation you face. DECIDE to have that attitude adjustment and let your attitude be one of welcoming the challenges and new horizons with only a scant glance back to what it was like in the past.
The past is the history, the future is a mystery. Today is a gift, that is why they call it the "Present."God bless you sister. You are my hero, and I wish on 20 occasions a week that I were as complete as you!

Thank you for loving me.
Scott

Like I mentioned earlier...this email ministered to my soul almost 3 years later and the circumstances are totally different. I am so thankful that my sweet husband chose to save this for he had no idea that I would need to be reminded of these words on May 4, 2009.

Long time no blog...

2009-04-26T21:42:00.004-05:00

Long time, no blog because of:

wedding fun!

Lindsay, Anna Lea and Jon Brent prior to wedding

all the cousins at rehearsal dinner for Haley and Daniel

Jon Brent, Haley and Anna Lea at rehearsal dinner

all the cousins at Haley and Daniel's wedding

It's been over a week since I visited therapy here on my blog. Not necessarily because I didn't need it, but really because things have been SUPER busy the last 2 weeks. Jon Brent and Anna Lea had the incredible honor of being in 2 weddings over the last 2 weekends. The first weekend was Jason's first cousin, Lindsay and her groom, Robert. The second was my sister in law Ashley's brother, Daniel and his bride, Haley. Both weddings were beautiful and we felt blessed to have been a part of both. I must confess it is a little stressful when your kids are in a wedding. My fear was that my sweet little innocent children (Ha and bigger ha!) would somehow ruin the big day! God is good...and prayers were answered...along with a bribe of a brand new bike if they did exactly what they were supposed to do! Sorry to those who disagree with bribing your children...sometimes it is necessary and usually always works. :)

Last Monday after Lindsay and Robert's wedding and a week before Haley and Daniel's wedding, Ally started to run an unexplained fever. At the time of the onset of fever she had no other symptoms other than the fever. No out of the ordinary fussiness which usually signals to me an ear infection. I don't think I mentioned this in previous entries, but 2 weeks before she did the exact same thing. So, when the fever returned so quickly I began to panic. Now, let me explain...

Fever in one of my children prior to Jason's illness would have never greatly concerned me, but since we discovered Jason's leukemia by an unexplained fever, I must confess I now have great anxiety anytime the thermometer says anything over 100.6. Monday's fever shook me to the core. Fear totally overcame me. I was scared and anxious to the point of feeling paralyzed. I called my dad and thankfully he answered. My mom had gone out of town for the day and I just needed to express my concern to someone. Immediately when I heard his voice on the phone, I fell apart. He reminded me that I was drawing conclusions to something that wasn't necessarily there. He was right, but I was scared. Really scared. I started feeling like I did the days leading up to Jason's official diagnosis. My mind was going places it shouldn't be going. I wanted to cry out to the Lord, but I literally felt paralyzed.

Fear is a crazy emotion we experience. God's word tell us many times over and over not to fear. I was in sin that Monday. I allowed thoughts in my mind that I should have taken captive to the Lord. A few minutes after I called my dad he called me back and told me that my pediatrician would be calling my cell soon. That's what dad's do...they fix things for their children! He was trying to 'fix' this for me. My sweet pediatrician did call about 5 minutes later and instructed me to come in right after lunch. He calmed me down some and told me that he would do a CBC (complete blood count) just to ease my fears.

One o'clock couldn't come soon enough for me. He examined her and said her ears were perfect, but her throat was a little red. He thought for sure this was something viral again, but a CBC would be done to rule out what I was fearing the most. As I waited for them to draw her blood and then wait for the results, I held her and thought to myself, "how in the world will I get through this if my sweet baby Ally has abnormal blood work?" Satan was having a hay day as I had given him a foot hold into my heart and mind. The lab tech could see the fear in my eyes and she tried to calm me down. I apologized for being so fearful. She knew that Jason had died of leukemia and she completely understood how I could be so apprehensive over an unexplained body temperature. I watched every move she made in the lab with Ally's blood. Unfortunately, I had seen this process way too many times. I knew exactly how long it would take to get results. I knew how she would put the blood in a machine and after a few minutes a report would come out of the printer. I watched that printer like a hawk. I saw her look at the results and immediately she looked at my with a smile..."she has plenty of platelets and she is not even close to being anemic!" Low platelets and low red blood cells, which causes anemia, often can mean something is seriously wrong with the blood.

"PRAISE JESUS, " I said out loud! As I drove out of the parking lot, I was still so emotional, but this time I was grieved with how I must have disappointed my Savior on this day. Worry and fear had consumed me. I was quickly reminded of the passage of scripture in Philippians 4.

"Don't worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable- if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise- dwell on these things."

NO thought I had that day fit any of those criteria set in Phillipians. The peace of God couldn't rule in my life that Monday because neither my heart nor my mind was being guarded by the Lord. Oh, how I confessed this to Him and pleaded for forgiveness. My God is good and always faithful. Why did I doubt for one second His love for me or His faithfulness? He has been nothing but faithful over the last year.

I have been told by several individuals that what I experienced last Monday was common for those who have just lived through what we've lived through, however, I SO wish I would not have allowed fear to dictate my heart and mind. Leukemia has changed me, but I don't ever want it to grip me like it gripped me last week. I am so incredibly thankful for God's word. I am so thankful for my Savior's unconditional love for me...even when I am in sin, He loves me with an unbelievable love.

I do feel as if my Lord is in the process of healing my broken heart, but I still have moments of incredible sadness because my sweet Jason is no longer with me. I do know this for certain...I am still holding on tightly to my Lord and PRAISE Him, He is continuing to hold tightly to me! Tonight as I was doing prayer time with Jon Brent he prayed a very simple prayer. It went like this:
"Jesus, I miss my daddy. Will you tell him hey? Amen." Of course, tears fell from my eyes immediately, but when I looked at Jon Brent, he was smiling. I have no idea whether or not if a greeting from Jon Brent will be given to Jason by our Lord, but I know this...Jon Brent was smiling. A smile as if to say, I miss my daddy, but Jesus can make it better. Oh, the faith these precious children of mine are teaching me during this time. Tonight I will learn from Jon Brent...Jesus, I trust you as I know you can and will make it better! To You be the glory!

Trust in the Lord

2009-04-16T23:41:00.007-05:00

Our pastor and his wife Kimberly are currently in the Ukraine right now where they are in the process of adopting 4 children. One day last week he stated on facebook that he was studying Proverbs 3:5-6 and planned to preach on this passage when he returned. Several people commented (on facebook) that this was their first passage of scripture to memorize. I was one of those individuals, however, I had to put it to music in order to learn it when I was a child. My mom discovered quickly when I was young that I could learn lots of things if she would just put it to music, including how to spell my name.(Don't make fun...Stephanie is a long name!) Anyway, jokingly I told our pastor, Tony, that I'd teach him the song so that he could sing it to the church in his sermon. :) Anna Lea overheard me telling someone about this and volunteered her services.

She actually learned this song not long ago as we were on a plane travelling to Naples. She was quite apprehensive because of the turbulence we were experiencing. Anna Lea loves music and because of this I was able to calm her down by singing this song in her ear. She picked up on it quickly and has sang it MANY times over the last year. Often we would sing it together while Jason battled leukemia.

I thought you might enjoy hearing her sing the scripture. She is quite proud of this as well. :) I've realized I'll need to teach her lessons of humility in the days to come...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6

Easter...in a new light

2009-04-12T21:46:00.004-05:00

Last year Jason and I spent Easter Sunday in Forrest General receiving platelets as he had just received a week of chemo the week prior. His platelet count had bottomed out completely and waiting until Monday was not an option. He felt horrible and we were both emotional and very much on edge all morning. (A regret of mine, but that's for another entry.) He was frustrated that he couldn't be with the kids on Easter as it was Ally's first. It certainly didn't rank as one of our favorite Easter's. This year was different for us both.

I thought about last Easter a lot today and all that has changed since then. I thought how I wished Jason could be here to celebrate our risen Savior and then I realized he is celebrating our risen Savior like never before! As I have contemplated the cross this week I have once again become more in awe of the love our Father has for us. I have worshipped the Lord this week in a way I never have. I have felt His incredible love in a way that still boggles my brain at times...not to mention my heart.

"Death is swallowed up in victory." "O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?" The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain. 1 Corinthians 15...this entire passage has taken on a whole new meaning this Easter. He has swallowed up death!

I shared these verses of scripture with Anna Lea as we were getting ready for church. I reminded her that because of our Lord's great love for us He sent His only son to die, but not only to die, but to be raised up on day 3 and conquer death once and for all. She asked me what the word conquer meant. Before I could even finish she finished for me. "Mom, because He died, we can see daddy again." Yes! Amen and amen, Anna Lea! She gets it. Do you know how that thrills my soul? Now, if I could just get Jon Brent on the same page! :) In time, I know.

My God is good. Although I miss Jason more than words can adequately express, my soul has experienced healing. I am so incredibly thankful.

Lord Jesus, thank you for the cross! Thank you for what you are doing in my heart. Lord, may I always be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that if I remain in you, your labor is not in vain.

P.S. How perfect is it that Allyson Laine Weathers took her first steps today? Such a sweet Easter in SO many ways! To Him be the Glory!

I am blessed

2009-04-07T21:40:00.003-05:00

Friends have always been so important to me. I am so incredibly blessed to have so many great friends who have certainly gone above and beyond over the last year. This group of GIRLS is no different! Meet Mary Margaret, Kaysha and Amy. We were all apart of a supper club (with our husbands) for many years here in Hattiesburg. We have so many wonderful memories together and thank the Lord we continue to make them. The Lord has carried each of us in different directions over the last several years which caused great sadness yet excitement as God's hand has led each of us. Amy and Scott moved to Midland, Texas, where he is on staff at a church. Kaysha and Hal left Hattiesburg for Kansas for Hal to attend medical school. The Lord has recently moved them to Birmingham for a continuation of school. Mary Margaret and Tim are still hanging with me in Hattiesburg and boy am I thankful God has left them here! Jason loved this group of friends so much and was always wanting us to get together more than our schedule allowed. This past weekend the girls met in Birmingham for a wonderful weekend of shopping, eating, laughing, crying, praying, more laughing and more crying. It was medicine for my soul. We also got to take in a Broadway show...WICKED. It was fabulous!

As we sat around this weekend we were able to share all that God was teaching us in the season we were currently in. It was very overwhelming to hear and see all God had done in each of our lives over the last several months. Once again I was able to see God's faithfulness. His hand was evident. There has been pain, disappointment, fear, loss, bitterness, forgiveness, happiness, and JOY. None of the paths He has taken us down have been easy yet in EVERY situation His love and hand was evident. A love that truly never lets go even in the darkest of times.

These girls will never know how "held" up I feel while in their presence and for that I am so blessed. I just wish we could get together more often. So, thank you sweet friends for the incredible weekend. Thank your sweet husbands for the sacrifices they made to make it happen! (We have 12 kids between the four of us!)

Thank you to my parents and Jason's parents for carrying the load while I was away. Once again...I am blessed to have such amazing support around me right now. My family AND friends amaze me more and more everyday. Our God is good to provide these relationships! Oh, how I pray I can be even a small blessing in all of their lives for all they have done for me...they'll never know fully.

Celebrating LIFE

2009-03-30T13:16:00.007-05:00

This weekend we had the opportunity to travel to Memphis where my brother Scott and his wife Ashley live. This wasn't just any trip to Memphis rather the chance to celebrate Ross Alan Shows' 4th birthday! His actual birth date is March 13, but Saturday was the day set aside to celebrate the occasion.

Here is the birthday boy. Such a fun and sweet little boy. It was a great party and the kids had a blast. Jon Brent and Anna Lea have been looking forward to this for weeks! Months even. Going to Memphis is always a special treat for both of them. Anyway, the date chosen for the party couldn't have been better for me. You see, March 28, is another one of those significant dates for me. On March 28, 1992, Jason and I went on our very first date. Since we dated for so long (6 years), he and I celebrated this date every year as our anniversary until we married. During the first year of dating, we celebrated each month! I know...we were VERY young and SO in love! Jason usually brought me flowers or sometimes just a sweet and mushy card. Either way, March 28, will always be a special day for me. Usually these days are really difficult and I cry a lot, but I am so pleased to say that Saturday was different. It was a real celebration.

Saturday was great because I was surrounded by family which is always my favorite. More importantly, I was able to celebrate the birth and life of Ross. I have always loved birthdays, especially mine, (ha!) but since Jason's death, birthdays are even more important to me. Call me crazy, but I even get a little emotional when singing "Happy Birthday." Saturday was so special because as I looked at sweet little Ross, I prayed for him even amongst the organized chaos. I thanked God for his precious little life. I asked God to grant favor on him for all of his days. I prayed he'd always choose the path of righteousness. I prayed he would always make wise choices in who his friends were and ultimately the person he'd one day marry. I also prayed for his salvation and really look forward to the day we travel north to celebrate that! I am most grateful to have been blessed with such an amazing brother and sister in law. Being with them, my parents, Ashley's parents and ALL the kids was so good. I did miss Jason so much as I do each and everyday, but getting to celebrate LIFE was so good for my soul.

Enjoy the pictures of the weekend...

Mo and Anderson (Ashley's mom)

Bob-B and G (Ashley's dad and my dad)

Scott with one of his good friends sweet baby girl

me and Ash

Nana, Ally, and Anderson

Scott and Anderson on the slide

Bob-B and Anna Lea

Jon Brent and his best bud

May we all celebrate LIFE...even in the midst of grief. Each day truly is a gift!

"This is the day the Lord has made, let us REJOICE and be glad in it!"

2009-03-25T21:33:00.003-05:00

Below is a devotion I read by my none other than my favorite...Beth Moore. I know you are surprised. I want to share in its entirety.

God's primary purpose in healing us from our hurts is to introduce us to new depths of relationship with himself.

Lord, in my heart I plan my course, but You determine my steps. (Prov. 16:9) Life is not going as I planned. But I am so grateful that You are not caught off guard. You knew everything that would befall me. So please direct my steps as You determine. I need you, Lord. Carry me when I cannot walk. For though I walk in the midst of trouble, You preserve my life. Stretch out Your hand against the anger of my foes. With your right hand, save me. You will fulfill Your purpose for me. Your love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not abandon the works of Your hands (Ps. 138:7-8).

I thought a long time on these few sentences. I have cried out to my Lord A LOT since July 12th as to why this was the path He chose for me. I've questioned His ways, but knew His ways were not our ways. I tell people all the time that I certainly would LOVE to have my husband by my side right now and for us to be living the life we planned, but I can say with CONFIDENCE, I would NOT change the depth of the relationship I have with my Savior right now. I say that with caution as not to sound prideful.

I came to know the Lord when I was very young and for the most part I have tried to live a life pleasing to Him, but I have failed miserably in lots of areas. There have been lots of different circumstances and people that have stretched my faith. Things that have deepened my walk with the Lord, but NOTHING has allowed me to see how deep the love our Father has for us until this journey.

God's word means so much more to me now. It is ALIVE and ACTIVE in my life. I cling to it like I never did before. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed reading God's word, but I have never longed to hear His promises like I do now. So much of God's word is in the songs we sing and I do sing them differently because of this journey. I have come to know Him in such a deeper way than I did before. He's always been my Savior, but He has become so much more. My sustainer, my comforter, my peace, my ALL!

So, as I reread the first statement of this devotion I am ever thankful that my Lord IS healing my heart by "introducing ME to new depths of relationship with Himself."

He has a perfect plan and purpose for Stephanie Weathers. Marrying Jason was one of them and I'm forever thankful for that blessing. Losing Jason was another plan and although it hurts tremendously right now, I pray I will be found faithful to the One who ordained it all.
Oh Father, please don't abandon the works of your hands!

Just being honest

2009-03-19T16:57:00.004-05:00

I come here tired. Tired of hurting. Tired of putting on a smile each and every day when inside I feel so very sad. Tired of being lonely even when surrounded by others. Tired from missing Jason so much that it physically hurts at times. Just tired. Not necessarily tired from lack of sleep. Maybe weary is a better word. Last Thursday we hit the 8 month anniversary of Jason's death. I really believed several months ago that at this point I would be at different point in the grief process. Sometimes I find myself very frustrated at where I am in the grief process. Not frustrated at God, but frustrated at myself.

I woke up recently in the middle of the night so angry that it was cardiac arrest that ultimately killed Jason and not the actual leukemia. I found myself googling cardiac arrest and respiratory failure all over again. I needed to know more medically. If I could have phoned a medical doctor at 2:00 a.m. to get a better explanation as to what happened, I believe I would have. Why? What would that change? Not a thing. I guess it is just how I have to work through this whole experience. I continually remind myself that my Lord is sovereign and His ways are perfect. I guess in my selfishness I wish I didn't have to hurt so deeply for His will to be accomplished.

I have thought of the cross a lot lately. Please hear me when I say that I am NOT comparing my loss to what Jesus experienced in the cross. I do however find great comfort in knowing that my Lord is acquainted with grief (Isaiah 53:3). He knows suffering like no other (1 Peter 2: 21-25). The Jesus I cling to each moment is fully aware of experiencing great pain in order to accomplish God's perfect will. Praise Him!

So, I continue to hold on tightly to my Savior knowing in His time sustaining JOY will return. In the meantime, these precious gifts from our Lord keep me going.

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness!
Lamentations 3:22-23

Steph, it's all good!

2009-03-10T15:29:00.006-05:00

My Lord never ceases to amaze me. He always gives me a time of JOY before I am blindsided by some part of grief that I wasn't expecting. I think that has been one of the things that has surprised me the most about the whole grief process. Some moments I am doing ok and then out of no where something hits me and I am paralyzed for a time with my pain. The past few days is the perfect example.

I was able to spend the weekend with my great friends Laney, Amy and Macy in Memphis at Macy's house. Remember, SLAM? (Stephanie, Laney, Amy and Macy...we've been friends since middle school.) Anyway, we had a fabulous time. Laughter is always such great medicine. I think we are probably very obnoxious to others, but we haven't grown weary of laughing at the same memories over and over again. AND there have been new memories as well.

We are dressed in pink boas because we had tickets to see Broadway's Legally Blonde at the Orpheum in Memphis. Let's just say we were stopped several times in downtown Memphis by onlookers thinking we were celebrating someones birthday or a bachelorette party. We've never been known for drawing attention to ourselves! ha!

I was very excited to see the kids on Sunday, but while driving home the loss of Jason crept in again. I knew I was returning to my reality of life without him. Then on Monday evening late I went to the mailbox to get the mail. When I opened the mailbox, I knew immediately what the long tube held. Jason's diploma. Remember, Jason was 4 months from graduating with a masters degree in nurse anesthesia when he was diagnosed with leukemia. I remember thinking so many times during Jason's battle with leukemia...so close yet so far away! However, Wolford College so graciously bestowed a posthumous degree to honor the work Jason did.

I opened the mailing tube with with a very sick feeling in my stomach. There it was...all of his hard work printed on a piece of paper. Immediately I thought in my flesh, "what a waste." I allowed myself to have a pity party for Jason and myself. Other thoughts such as, "all that work for nothing...he'll never even reap the benefits of all he did." In my selfishness I even thought, "I'll never reap the benefits of all the sacrifices we made for this piece of paper." Ouch. I am certainly not proud of those thoughts, but just being honest. As I sat there looking at the diploma with tears flowing down my face, it was as if the Lord spoke very clearly to me. "Stephanie, Jason IS reaping the benefits...just not the benefits you are thinking. He is reaping eternal benefits!" Wow.

I am so very proud of Jason and IF by chance Jason saw me last night opening his diploma, he would have said to me, "Steph, it's all good!" It is more than good for him now and one day it WILL be good for me again. Right now, I'll continue to trust in my Lord's sovereignty and believe that He will continue to work this pain for good!

One last thing...I am SO overwhelmed by the many emails I received in my inbox after my last entry. Please be patient with me as I intend to answer each one. I am so very humbled by so many that continue to walk with me through this journey. You'll never know how very encouraged I am by your prayers and presence. May God bless you all!

Two Part Blog Entry

2009-03-04T21:23:00.009-06:00

PART ONE

Ally's 1st birthday party was finally accomplished after 2 cancellations due to a lingering stomach virus that would not leave our house. Family gathered Sunday night after church for cake and fun. Just thought I'd post a few pictures as well the actual Happy Birthday song to Ally. NOTE: I've been told by some friends that it is obvious we are from the south by the way we sing DAY. :) I think you will hear when you click on video.

PART TWO

I don't want my words to get in the way tonight of what I really want to share. And I really struggled with whether I should even include Ally's birthday pictures, etc. in this blog. I recently heard Chris Tomlin's new song entitled "I Will Rise" and was totally blown away by the words. Then, I saw a video clip of how the song came to be and once again was blown away by how our Lord has used man to minister so deeply to my soul. Please click on the following and listen to this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fa8w7mGug0c. You really don't want to miss this video!

As I listened to this song the words..."Jesus has overcome and the grave is overwhelmed...the victory is won! He is risen from the dead. I will rise, when He calls my name. No more sorrow, no more pain! I will rise on eagles wings, before my God, fall on my knees.

I can only imagine when Jason's name was called by our Savior...he rose and there was no more sorrow, no more pain! Oh, how I long for my name to be called one day! Friends, because HE overwhelmed the grave, it CAN be well with your soul! Do you know Him? Is it well with your soul? How I'd love nothing more than to introduce my Jesus to you! Please email me at stephanieweathers@hotmail.com so I can share more with you or pray with you. Nothing would thrill me more!

February 28, 1998

2009-02-28T22:27:00.006-06:00

February 28, 1998

2.28.98 - A date I will forever cherish. Just thinking about the day makes me smile, but at the same time it also brings great sadness. I never imagined I'd be spending our 11 year anniversary alone. Jason and I started dating our junior year in high school. I knew immediately after we started dating that this was the man God wanted me to marry. Oh, how thankful I am that God chose ME to be the wife of Jon Jason Weathers. I will never get over that blessing.

Out of all the firsts without Jason, this has been the toughest. Part of me wanted to block out this day yet I couldn't do it. You see, February 28, 1998, was the happiest day of my life. It was all I prayed and dreamed it would be and so much more. Jason and I wanted our wedding ceremony to be a time of worship and to only glorify our Savior. We wanted every song sang and every word said to be God honoring. I believe that was accomplished.

I remember as I stood in the back of the church awaiting the appropriate time for me to enter the worship center, I truly worshipped as Brett and Alesia Valentine sang "You Are Awesome in this Place." I was totally overwhelmed with His presence at that very moment. As I walked down the aisle and I saw ALL the many people who came to share in this time of commitment to our Lord and each other, I became even more emotional. I held tightly to my dad's arm yet could not wait to get to the alter so that I could take Jason's hand.

Jason joined me with being somewhat emotional on this day. As we said our vows, we both cried tears of joy in that God had brought us together. "In sickness and in health, until death does us part..." Wow. I thought "sickness" was referring to the common cold, the flu, stomach virus, etc. I thought the major sickness might possibly come in our 70s or even later. Leukemia? Never crossed my mind on 2.28.98. Death? Obviously, I never dreamed death would come at 33. I just knew we would grow old together and celebrate this day for MANY years.

As we left the church after my dad had pronounced us, Mr. and Mrs. Jason Weathers, we were both ecstatic. I remember as we drove to the reception we both kept looking at our hands and saying to each other, "I can't believe we are married!" Of course, then we were saying, "did you see...?" "Can you believe ... came?" It was so exciting for us to be at our reception and have so many come in support of our big day. So many that came had a profound impact on who we were in Christ. So many of these same people walked with us through the most difficult days of our life and marriage while Jason battled leukemia.

An ironic part of our day was that one of Jason's groomsmen and great friend, Stephen Hatten, was battling leukemia himself at the time. He had been so very sick and prior to our wedding had gone through a bone marrow transplant. His mom reminded me not long ago of his determination to be in our wedding. He was weak and frail, but he made it. Stephen met Jesus face to face less than 3 months after we married due to a relapse of his leukemia. Even in my pain today, I rejoice in knowing that Jason and Stephen are worshipping our Savior together right now...live and in person!

I opened a devotion book today that I do on occasion and this was the verse:

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Ephesians 3:20-22

This verse just so happened to be one of the verses that Jason and I had chosen for our wedding program. Coincidence? I think not. Here is what followed the scripture:

"Instead of raging against the Lord for the way He manages our lives, let us carefully consider all the benefits He bestows. Take a piece of paper; sit down alone in a quiet spot; write down one by one all the good things - the delights and the pleasures He has made possible for you. List everything - the sound of music, the laughter of children; the sunrise/sunset, the scent of a rose, the clasp of a friend's hand, the loyalty of a dog. If one is honest, there is no end to the list." (Phillip Keller)

Hmmm... a word from the Lord? Absolutely! Yes, our Lord chose to take my Jason home at 33, and I certainly don't pretend to understand His ways. Even still He gives me many things to be thankful for...at the top of my list are the 3 little Jason's that sleep soundly right now. 2.28.98...I never dreamed then I'd be the mom to these precious children. Thank you, Jesus! May I be found faithful to our Lord as I parent them without Jason! So, as I close this 2.28.09, I am very mindful of the great love our Lord has for me...even in my grief. He is faithful. I say this over and over...His grace is ALWAYS sufficient. Today is no exception. "...to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus for all generations, for ever and ever!"

Happy 1st Birthday, Allyson Laine Weathers!

2009-02-22T12:00:00.002-06:00

Friday, February 22, 2008, my sister in law, Ashley, drove me to see Dr. Gillespie for my weekly check-up. I went to this appointment with the intent of persuading my sweet doc into letting me have baby Ally that day. Her due date was February 29, 2008. (Funny she was due on leap year! Little did we know what a year this 2008 would really be!) My bags were packed and everyone was on stand-by, including a VERY weak Jason. You see, Jason had finally been released from the hospital after an almost 7 week stay the Sunday before she was born. M.D. Anderson had called on Thursday, February 21, to schedule a consultation visit with Jason for March 2nd. I had just a small window of opportunity to have a baby in all of this craziness! I told Dr. Gillespie of my predicament and his answer was, "let's go have a baby TODAY!" Yea! I walked into the lobby where Ashley waited for me and said, "Ash, we're having a baby today!"

Labor Room 7 was where I was assigned. Seven...a perfect number. Ashley and I called all of the family to tell them I had been admitted. Mrs. Peggy, Jason's mom, was in charge of getting Jason to the hospital at the appropriate time. I had prayed SO fervently that Jason would be able to be there when Ally was born. (Many of you prayed with me in this regard!) God didn't let us down. Labor lasted most of the day, but finally later in the afternoon things began to progress quickly and my mom called Mrs. Peggy to tell her to bring Jason, IF he felt up to it. I wasn't certain he was physically up to it, but exactly one hour before her birth my sweet Jason walked into the Labor Room 7. I was elated and overwhelmed with emotion that he was there! Ally could come. And she did. She was perfect. She was 7lbs and 7oz. Seven...a perfect number!

Jason was the only one to hold her after her birth besides me for a very brief moment. No one would dare ask him to hold her. He just held her and stared at her perfect little face that strangely enough looked just like him and still does! Jason had a little over 2 weeks with Ally before he had to go back into the hospital for more chemo besides a quick 2 day trip to M.D. Anderson. He soaked up as much Ally time as he could. She was just what we all needed. A little bit of JOY.Ally was almost 5 months old when Jason met Jesus. Some days I ponder who I hurt for more...Anna Lea and Jon Brent, who knew their daddy well and miss him incredibly or Ally, who will never have any memories of her own of her daddy. Regardless, how thankful I am that he did live to see her and hold her for even a few months. I am well aware that he could have died during his initial diagnosis and induction therapy. I praise God for each day he had with her. I will tell her one day how he would just sit and hold her and stare into her face for hours and hours. I will tell her that when she was fussy that he would wrap his big arms around her and immediately she would settle down.

It is too soon to know whose personality Ally will have...mine or Jason's. My prayer is Jason's! :) She does look so much like him and I pray each day that remains. That is a gift to me! I know God has to have great things in store for little Ally. I can't wait to see what they are! Sometimes when I look at her I think to myself, she has no idea all that has transpired since her arrival. She has no idea the pain we've felt. She has no idea of all the ways God has showed up and been so faithful to all of us during this incredible loss. All she knows is the love and smiles we give her day in and day out. Of course, she is now experiencing some "no, no, Ally!" :)

So, Happy Birthday, baby Ally! Thank you for being a picture of God's love for us.

I pray you will grow to love our Savior and walk the path of righteousness all the days of your life. I pray you will seek Him in all you do. I pray you will have a deep love for God's word. I pray you would have compassion and show love for others the way Jesus does. I pray you would be content with whatever circumstances come you way. I pray you would love the church as Christ does. I pray you will be gentle in spirit. I pray that you will always have a heart full of gratitude. I pray you would be a woman of great integrity and humility. I pray that your lips will ever praise Him. I pray that you never turn your back on the ONE who died so that we might LIVE! For by trusting in Jesus ensures that one day you will be united with our Savior in heaven and reunited with your sweet daddy. This is a reunion I don't want to miss!

A Rough Week

2009-02-20T20:20:00.004-06:00

What a week! Monday night Ally started with the stomach virus and all went down hill from there. Nana (my mom) was the next victim with Jon Brent following. I have felt very uneasy all day, but praying that is all I have. Anna Lea has remained well thus far. Praying that continues. Ally still hasn't recovered fully, but she has started to perk up a little this afternoon.
This was to be a big weekend for sweet baby Ally as Sunday she will turn 1!! (more to come on her birthday on Sunday) The family was going to celebrate her big day Sunday after church, but due to the stomach virus invading our house, I decided to postpone the celebration until next Saturday.

Wednesday afternoon when I came in from school, I had a message from the monument company stating Jason's headstone had come in and had been placed at the cemetery. Whoa. I wasn't prepared for the emotions I would experience seeing this. I am including a picture. I hope this doesn't "freak" some of you out, but I thought some might like to see how it turned out.

This picture was NOT at all staged. Anna Lea was very moved by reading the stone. I included all of our names on the back of his stone, which is what she is reading. She was very proud that her name was on her daddy's stone. I was really just trying to get the stone in the picture and when I got back in the car and flipped through my camera, I noticed her standing in the background of all of the pictures. In case you can't read what I included on his stone besides his name, here it is as follows:

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny

I prayed a lot over what should be written. The Lord placed this song (In Christ Alone) in my heart and I thought this particular excerpt was very fitting. We sang this song at Jason's funeral. It is such a powerful song and one that Jason loved to sing as well. Jason truly had no fear in death. Did he want to leave us behind? Absolutely not, but he was never fearful of where he was to spend eternity. A dear friend told me how she loved how when people read this stone they'd have to ask themselves if Jesus commanded their destiny. I love the thought that even years from now, Jason's death could still be pointing others to Jesus! I know that would make him proud.

My heart has hurt this week for Jason in such a real way. I guess no different from any other week, but it has just hurt deeply. Praise God He doesn't hurt for us! I can't tell you what comfort that brings me each day. Heaven...what a gift and a promise! I assure you I couldn't make it one day without the reality of heaven resonating deep in my soul.

Please check in with me on Sunday for a little blog entry on Ally's 1st year! For now, thanks for your continued prayers and encouragement. You'll never know how you all lighten the load with your prayers and sweet words! So, so good for my soul...

Jesus, I Am Resting

2009-02-14T14:41:00.002-06:00

Most of you know how much music ministers to me as I am constantly writing about how our Lord used a particular song to speak to me. There is a song entitled "Jesus, I Am Resting" that I was introduced to many years ago. I loved the actual music so much, but the words are so very rich. I haven't heard this song in quite some time. I recently purchased a new CD and it happened to be on it.

As I was listening to this song again this week, at first I asked myself, "Stephanie, are you really resting in Him?" I begin to think of what the word rest really means in this context. Listen here to the song before you read the remainder of my post. I have also included the lyrics to read.

Jesus I am resting, resting
In the Joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.
Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee,
And Thy beauty fills my soul,
For by Thy transforming power
Thou hast made me whole.

Chorus:

Jesus, I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.

O how great Thy loving kindness.
Vaster, broader than the sea!
O how marvellous Thy goodness,
Lavished all on me!
Yes, I rest in Thee, Beloved,
Know Thy certainty of promise,
And have made it mine.

Simply trusting Thee, Lord Jesus,
I behold Thee as Thou art,
And Thy love, so pure, so changeless,
Satisfies my heart;
Satisfies its deepest longings,
Meets supplies its every need,
Compasseth me round with blessings;
Thine is love indeed!

Ever lift Thy face upon me,
As I work and wait for Thee;
Resting 'neath Thy smile, Lord Jesus,
Earth's dark shadows flee.
Brightness of my Father's glory,
Sunshine of my Father's face,
Keep me ever trusting, resting;
Fill me with Thy grace.

I decided to look up the word rest in the dictionary. One of the definitions of rest was to be at peace. Am I at peace with what my Lord has done and continues to do in my life? The answer was a resounding YES! Do I miss Jason terribly? Another resounding YES! Do I hurt incredibly? More than I can even describe to you, BUT I am still incredibly blown away at how much love my Savior has for me.

As I write this post, most are celebrating Valentine's Day. Obviously this is not a day I was really looking forward to as it is yet another first without Jason. I would love nothing more than to be celebrating this day with him. However, as I think about this day I can't help but be overwhelmed with the love of our Savior. This song so beautifully talks about how much loving kindness our Lord has for us...broader than the sea. The vastness of the sea sometimes overwhelms me with my eyes, but to think of it in terms of how much our Lord loves us...wow!

As I continue to trust Him, I will continue to rest in our Lord as I work and wait for Thee. Even in the pain. My Lord does satisfy my deepest longings. No one else on this earth can. I am certainly experiencing His loving kindness more and more each day. To Him be the glory!

The Dream

2009-02-08T22:24:00.003-06:00

I thought I'd share a couple of pictures taken recently. I usually do better taking pictures, but I just noticed I didn't take many pictures in the month of January! What has happened to me?

This picture of Jon Brent is just cracking me up b/c poor little guy doesn't even own a pair of blue jeans much less camo until TODAY! (thanks, Ellis Ann!) This picture is for Uncle Scott and Uncle Brad. Let me clarify...Jon Brent doesn't wear girl clothes, but I do dress him in clothes that make him look like a little boy and not a little man! I have nothing against those that dress their children differently than me, but I just like to keep them looking sweet and innocent for as long as I can! Ha! Anyway, as Jon Brent ran through the house with this "get up" on, Brad was screaming, "he's free at last!" Free? From what?!?! Ha!

It is these 3 smiles that keep me smiling most days. Look at 'little Jason' with a
giant red bow in her hair...Ally! Oh, how he'd be so proud of this baby girl!

Check out the way Ally is looking at Jon Brent. She LOVES them both so much. Oh, how I pray
my kids always love each other the way they do now.

This one says it all about Ally! My mom caught her one day
destroying a box of tissue.

MY DREAM

I have wanted to dream about Jason since he died. Unfortunately, it has only happened twice.

The first time he was in my dream, but he was silent. He never said a word. He was indeed a man of few words, but FEW is the key...he wasn't mute! Anyway, a little over a week ago the Lord gave me the most incredible dream. I say the Lord gave me because I believe it was a gift from Him!

I can't tell you exactly where we were in this particular dream, but I do know Jason was there. He looked incredible. Jason always had a terrific smile, but this smile was like none I had ever seen before. It was breathtaking. He looked so well and so very healthy. I ran to him and he hugged me so tightly. I just kept saying, "I love you," over and over. He began to tell me how happy he was and that he was doing great. He didn't have to tell me because it was written all over that smile. I couldn't stop crying. The neat thing about my tears is they didn't phase him. He just kept smiling. Some may see that as cold hearted, but to me it was just a reminder from the Lord that even though I grieve and hurt so deeply for Jason, he doesn't grieve or hurt where he is!

Then just like that it was over. I woke up to Ally's cries. Reality hit me square between the eyes. Oh, how I joined Ally at that very moment and sobbed. I didn't want the dream to end. I prayed and begged the Lord to allow me to go back to sleep so that I could dream about him again. It didn't happen, but I am most thankful for this gift. I was so moved by his presence in my dream that I couldn't even speak of it for several hours after I got up the next day.

I don't really know why I haven't dreamed about him more than I have, but maybe one day he'll frequent my dreams again. I always pray that the Lord would rule over my dreams and thought process each night. I have been doing that for YEARS since I was a child and would sometimes have nightmares. My God has been faithful.

One of my friends asked me if Jason had a head full of hair in my dream. I am embarrassed to say, I don't remember his hair! Obviously, he didn't or I think I would have remembered that! HA!!

I love this smile of Jason's in the above picture, but in my dream it was EVEN BETTER! What a gift! Thank you, Jesus!

2009-02-01T22:58:00.002-06:00

Warning: My entry tonight is going to be jumbled and probably seem like ramble to you...probably most entries seem that way, but please be aware that I recognize my shortcomings tonight. :)

I am listening to a book on CD right now on heaven. Actually, HEAVEN is the book title. The author is Randy Alcorn. I have really enjoyed listening to this book, but I must admit I have been challenged by it in so many ways. I guess in my mind I have thought heaven was a certain way, but obviously my thoughts were not totally based on scripture. Anyway, this isn't what I am going to write about tonight...that must be saved for a night when I am rested up and I have LOTS of time! I do intend to share my thoughts on the book, but that must come at a later date.

There is one point of this book that I'd like to write about for a few minutes. The author of this book believes that those that have gone before us quite possibly are aware of things that are taking place on this earth. He cites a couple of scriptures to back this up...forgive me for not having those handy, but the CD is in my car right this moment and being that it is after 11:00 p.m., I'd rather not venture to my garage to fetch it.

I have always thought those in heaven couldn't see or know what is taking place on earth for that would cause them pain and there can be no pain in heaven. As I began thinking about this possibility I was VERY worried about the thought of Jason being aware of how I was doing dealing with his death. I became overwhelmed with the thought of him seeing me how I was handling certain situations! Ha! (I am not being totally serious here...I doubt there is time in heaven to know EVERY detail of my life right now, but the Lord may be allowing him to know certain things going on in our family.)

I laughed and told some of my friends/family that if Jason is even somewhat aware of my life he is probably saying, "Stephanie, GET IT TOGETHER! Those are my children you are raising!" Part of my daily grief that I struggle with is how inadequate I feel as a mother right now. Jason and I were a team when it came to raising our children. He was VERY involved in every aspect of their life. Because there are 3 of them and only 1 of me, I feel most overwhelmed each day with all of the day to day responsibilities that come along with raising 3 children... ALONE. Most days I go to sleep feeling very disappointed with myself in the way I handled certain situations with the kids. I beat myself up for not spending enough time with each of them individually. I could go on and on here, but you get the point.

So, I decided after learning that he might be aware of how things are going here on earth that I'd better step it up a notch...for Jason. :) I know of all of my shortcomings without Jason, but I think there are certain things he would be proud of and I decided to make a list. I guess I wanted to make this list just to make me feel better. These are in no particular order.

Things Jason would be proud of IF he was privy to what was taking place here on earth:
1. We live next door to Brad and Sherri. He would have loved that SO very much. I know it has to please him that they are so much a part of our daily lives.
2. Scott and Brad have become good friends who text/email each other regularly. Jason loved both of them so much.
3. Anna Lea and Sherri's baptism had to be a HUGE highlight for him. I remember the day they were baptized and remember not wanting the moment to end b/c if Jason was a part of the "cloud of witnesses..." then I was in his presence. Oh, just to be with Jason again.
4. I have stayed by myself in this house on numerous times and I haven't gotten scared! Jason knew what a chicken I was and this my friends is nothing but a GOD thing!
5. His anesthesia degree that I am anxiously awaiting for its arrival in the mail. I have said this before, but Jason worked SO hard in obtaining this degree.
6. I FINALLY ordered his head stone. I agonized over this decision for so long. This sort of thing would have been very important to him. Those that knew Jason well will understand this.
7. Brad hasn't destroyed all of his things...YET!
8. Jon Brent is more OCD than ever before. This is direct trait of Jason.
9. Ally loves to eat! Jason always thought our other 2 didn't eat near enough and he was right.
10. I have a job. Jason knew more than anyone that all I wanted to do when I "grew up" was to be a stay at home mom. He knew that my major in college was really a Mrs. degree. :) Granted my job is very part time, but baby steps, people!
11. Anna Lea tells me everyday that she wants to be like her daddy. She also told her teacher at school that she wanted to be a nurse b/c that is what her daddy did. That has to make his heart smile.
12. I bought a flat screen tv for the den. Jason had a real LOVE for electronics. He wouldn't be proud of the fact that I didn't buy Sony. He was very partial to this brand. Ha.
13. Jon Brent is FINALLY fully potty trained. I hate he missed that one... BIG TIME. Pardon the bathroom humor, but Jon Brent has a new found love for going to the potty outside. Believe it or not, that would make Jason very proud.
14. I am doing an average job in keeping the checkbook...still a work in progress. I LOVED when I got married that someone would handle all money items for me. I think Jason would be proud of how I have handled MOST decisions. Maybe not the amount of $ I spend on children's clothes, but deep down I know he expects it.
15. The children's education fund that was established in his memory would blow his mind.
16. He would be so proud of all the ways peoplehave served our family since his death.
17. Ally looks more like him every day. I pray that continues.
18. My dad has changed numerous diapers. :) Seriously, I know he must be proud of the ways our family has stepped in and helped in making our life somewhat easier.
19. We went to Destin after Christmas. He loved Destin so much. I visited there right after he died and it was so painful, but this trip was different. Lots of happy memories.
20. We are all STANDING! You may remember from caringbridge that Jason and I had a conversation about 2 months before he died about the possibility that he might not beat leukemia. He was so very worried about me and how I would handle being a mom to 3 without him. He was especially worried about the financial aspect of it. He needed not to worry and neither do I b/c God has been SO faithful.

I could write more, but I'll stop for now. How I wish he was here with me now, but I know his joy is now complete because he is with his Savior. Praise God we're one day closer to joining Jason and our Lord forever!

The Life I Planned

2009-01-25T22:40:00.004-06:00

It is January 25, 2009. I decided after we hit the anniversary of Jason's diagnosis that I wasn't going to torture myself by reliving every detail of this time last January. It was a very hard month to have to relive. I made this commitment not to revisit caringbridge, but I crumbled. I found myself drawn there today only to discover it was a year ago yesterday that we learned that Jason did not achieve remission from the first round of chemo. I read my words that I had posted a year ago and found myself pondering all the feelings I was experiencing that day.

Here is what I posted on January 24, 2008:

"Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart: wait, I say on the Lord." Psalm 27:14

We most certainly did not receive the news we were praying for this afternoon. Dr Bellare informed us that Jason still had 60% leukemic cells in his marrow. We started with 100% so we can praise Jesus that the first round did get 40% of those bad cells. He is starting Jason on another round of chemo this afternoon. These drugs are much stronger than what he received in the first round and from what we understand this will last for 4 days. Most AML patients are able to get the leukemia in remission with the 1st round of chemo - usually 80%. Unfortunately, we are in the 20% that have to be reinduced. Our hearts are broken to say the least, but we will press on! We know that the Lord hasn't stepped off of his throne and this set back does not surprise him - AT ALL! We know that God is up to something when HE sends something difficult our way. The Lord has been so faithful to us and I know without a shadow of doubt that he will continue to do so. He is our rock, our fortress, our hope, and our confidence.

"There is nothing, no circumstance, no trouble, no testing that can ever touch me until, first of all, it has come past God and past Christ, right through to me. If it has come that far, it has come with great purpose." Alan Redpath

Lord, may we not miss the great purpose you have for us. Reveal it to us in your perfect time.
Please continue to pray for sweet Jason. What a precious child of God he is and I am so incredibly blessed to be married to him.
We love you all.
Stephanie and Jason

I remember driving to Forrest General that morning prior to getting the biopsy results and as usual I found myself overwhelmed with emotion. During Jason's entire illness and especially at the beginning I tried so hard not to break down around the kids. I tried to always be "up" and positive about Jason's battle with leukemia. At first I remember not even wanting to even say the word leukemia or cancer in their presence for fear of causing them anxiety. I usually saved my "ugly cries" for the car. As I drove into the hospital that morning, I heard the song "Everlasting God". I have posted the words to that song before..."strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord...our God, He reigns forever..."
I know that song was just for me that morning and was from the Lord. He was reminding me to wait on Him! Obviously, I didn't know for sure we would get such bad news, but deep down I was preparing myself. Wait, let me re-word that... HE was preparing me for the devastating news that would come that afternoon.

I was in the hall of the hospital going to get Jason some ice when I ran into Dr. Bellare. I remember feeling SO very nervous that entire day and when I saw Dr. Bellare I remember thinking I am going to throw up all over this sweet man! Even my hands were shaking. Remember, I was 8 months pregnant, too. He grabbed my shoulders and began saying, "Stephanie, it's not good, it's not good at all." I began to cry uncontrollably. I am so thankful that I heard this news first without Jason. Dr. Bellare was so kind and reminded me immediately that God was still in control. I got myself together so that I could go with him to tell Jason.

Jason was more than devastated at this news. He said nothing at first, but tears just fell quietly. I remember holding both of his hands tightly and wanting to speak SOMETHING, ANYTHING, but no words could come out. Finally, our dads saved the day! Literally. It wasn't 10 minutes after Dr. Bellare left that Gary and Jon Mark came walking into room 6608. They were both very encouraging and even a few jokes were made to lighten the mood a bit. Brad arrived minutes later thus changing the mood COMPLETELY! :)

As I drove home that night I remember crying out to the Lord in complete anguish. "Why, Lord? Why is this happening to us?" I remember pleading with the Lord that these children and I so desperately needed Jason to be here with us. I remember thinking that I couldn't possibly make it without Jason. I was totally broken and felt so defeated.

When I finally went to bed that night I continued to say over and over again, "wait on the Lord..." It was one of the many nights that I cried myself to sleep. Praise God His mercies are new every morning!

I appreciate you allowing me the opportunity to relive some hard moments. I am not sure if it is helpful for me to do this or not, but for some reason I feel the need to do it.

I have this collection of poems and vignettes by Beth Moore. I have had it for years...you know how I love me some Beth Moore! Anyway, I came across this poem entitled "The Life I Planned". I found it so encouraging and wanted it to share it here. It is a bit lengthy, but stay with me!

Has someone seen the life I planned?

It seems it's been misplaced

I've looked in every corner

It's lost without a trace

I've found one I don't recognize

Things missing that were dear

Promises I'd hope to keep

And dreams I'd dreamed aren't here

Faces I had planned to see

Hands I planned to hold

Now absent in the pictures

Not the way I told

Has someone seen the life I planned?
Did it get thrown away?

God took my hand from searching

Then I heard him say,

"Child, your ears have never heard

Your eyes have never seen

Eternal plans I have for you

Are more than you could dream.

"You long to walk by sight

But I'm teaching eyes to see.

I know what I am doing

'Til then, you must believe."

He's done so much, I felt ashamed

To know He heard my moans

To think I'd trade in all He's done

For plans made on my own.

I wept over His faithfulness

And how He'd proved Himself

How He'd gone beyond my dreams

And said to Him myself,

"No, my ears have never heard

My eyes have never seen

Eternal plans you have for me

Are more than I could dream.

"Yes, I long to walk by sight

But You're teaching eyes to see

You know what You are doing

'Til then, I must believe."

I felt His great compassion

Mercy unrestrained

He let me mourn my losses

And showed me to my gains.

I offered Him my future

And released to Him my past

I traded in my dreams

For a plan He said would last.

I get no glimpse ahead

No certainties at all

Except the presence of the One

Who will not let me fall.

Are you also searching

For a life you planned yourself?

Have you looked in every corner?
Have you checked on every shelf?

Child, your ears have never heard

Your eyes have never seen

Eternal plans He has for you

Are more than you could dream.

Perhaps you long to walk by faith

But He's teaching eyes to see

He knows what He is doing

Child, step out and believe.

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind

has conceived what God has prepared

for those that love Him." 1 Corinthians 2:9

I have said this time and time again...this certainly isn't the life I had planned, but my God has been faithful. This whole experience has shaken me to the core and caused me to question His ways, but I will continue to trust in His sovereignty and BELIEVE.

God is Still Working

2009-01-17T21:15:00.003-06:00

I thought I'd take a minute and fill you in on all the ways God is still working in my life right now.

Wolford College in Naples, where Jason was pursuing his nurse anesthetist degree informed my brother last week that they would be granting Jason's posthumous degree in anesthesia. Jason was so close to graduation when he was diagnosed with leukemia. This was ONE of the many disappointing things about his diagnosis and the timing of it all. A little background information...Jason graduated in 1997 with a degree in biology in hopes of going to dental school. He applied for 3 years and got very close, but was never accepted. We were so disappointed, but knew God must have had something else in store for him. Anyway, after much prayer he felt led to nursing school. He finished nursing school in 2004. He knew while in nursing school that his long term goal would be to attend anesthesia school. He worked 2 years in ICU gaining the critical care experience he needed before he was accepted into Wolford. Whew! (doesn't that make you tired?) Anyway, basically since Jason and I married he was working to get to this point and then BANG leukemia. SO close yet SO far away! Obviously, Jason will not reap the benefits of this degree, but I am so proud that Wolford chose to remember him in this way by granting this degree. He had worked so very hard for this. So many times since his passing I have cried out to the Lord asking WHY He didn't just let him get his anesthesia degree before getting leukemia. The whole time I am sure God was thinking, "Stephanie, rest and be patient, I am still working." And He did. Wow, how I hope the Lord has shared this with Jason!

Next bit of news from our home is that I will be starting a part time job on Tuesday. I am going to be working as a tutor at Anna Lea's school 3 mornings a week. I have known for a while that I needed to do something, but the thought of work just literally would make my head spin and my stomach turn. I have been praying fervently something would just fall into my lap. Yet again, God has been faithful. Going back to work is very overwhelming to me, but I am trusting that the Lord will make this an easy transition. I am going to be surrounded by some incredible people at the school and for that I am so thankful.

Now for another way that God is working...

While in Destin, Sherri and I got to talking to a couple, who was standing near us. (Sherri and I both have the gift of gab and talking comes very EASY to us both!) Anyway, we mentioned the reason that we were in Destin after Christmas was because we were trying to make the holidays a little easier because we had experienced the passing of my husband and her brother in law over the last year. They were intrigued and began to ask questions. I began to share with them of Jason's leukemia. I noticed immediately when I said leukemia that the guys eyes got large. He then proceeds to tell me that his brother had also died of leukemia a year and a half ago. He was also 33 when he died, had a wife and 2 very young children. Wait, the world gets smaller. We then discover that some of his relatives are members at our church here in Hattiesburg! Anyway, I wanted to know about his sister in law. Long story short...this precious sister in Christ and I have since gotten in touch with each other through email. I am very much looking forward to speaking with her more and possibly even meeting face to face. We have so much in common and I am so thankful to know she is dealing with some of the same things I am dealing with on a daily basis. Friends, ONLY God could orchestrate this meeting in Destin, FL! I still stand in awe of how He works. Please pray for my new friend, Melissa and her 2 young children. She, too, is having to walk down a very dark path. She is a strong believer and like me is clinging very tightly to our Lord right now.

My God continues to amaze me. I pray I never get over how He works!

Just a quick note

2009-01-12T21:13:00.003-06:00

Tonight was one of those nights. You know the ones where the kids don't do a thing you NEED for them to do and everything quickly turns into DRAMA. It didn't help that little sleep took place here in our house last night. I think I slept in 3 different beds and probably would have slept in Ally's bed had it been made for adults! Since I couldn't sleep in her bed, she got in my bed as did Anna Lea AND Jon Brent. At one point there were 4 of us in a full size bed. I said, "ENOUGH!" Someone, EVERYONE is going back to their bed. That didn't last either.

Anyway, back to THIS night. I was feeling very overwhelmed as a mother to these precious children and very inadequate. I was missing Jason terribly and to be TOTALLY honest, I was having another pity party. I was asking myself over and over, "How am I going to raise these children without Jason?" Of course, there were tears. From everyone. Anna Lea was in trouble for not doing what I asked her to do. Jon Brent fell asleep in the car on the way home and when he woke up he was a BEAR! Ally was tired and ready for food and I was exhausted!

And then God showed up! Just like He always does. I sat down at the table for just a second to read my mail in the midst of the chaos. I opened a letter from a name I didn't recognize. It was handwritten on white computer paper. I began to read and immediately I began to cry. So much that I couldn't even read the words.

The letter was from a 75 year old lady, who also lost her husband in her late 30's with 2 children. I was more than intrigued by her words. She started by telling me who she was...the aunt of Mike Madaris. Wow. I have never met this sister in Christ before, but oh how she ministered to my broken heart tonight. Her words were simple yet I could totally relate to what she wrote as she had walked where I am walking even now.

She knew I needed these words at this very moment: "I know it is an overwhelming responsibility to you, but with God's help, you will make it as you live one day at a time. I know how it isn't easy. This has been (and still is) a blessing to me that through our veil of tears, we see in a new light, Him who was 'despised and rejected of men... a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.' Isaiah 53:3. We become better acquainted with Christ when we experience His teaching, love and sympathy in times of suffering and sorrow. In suffering, Jesus becomes a necessity to us - not just a half-hearted luxury. Through the recognition of our own helplessness, we feel a new strength in His strong arms."

Isn't it amazing how God shows up not a second too late? I don't find it a coincidence that I hadn't already opened this letter. I am not sure if this dear believer in Christ reads blogs or even has email, but thank you, Mrs. Stanford. Thank you for being an encouragement to my weary soul on this January 12, 2009.

I Will Remember

2009-01-05T21:45:00.002-06:00

Wow. Seems like so long ago that I attended therapy with you nice people! Christmas came and went and overall it was good. Praise God, we made it through! Christmas Eve seemed to be harder than the 25th. I am not sure why, but I thought I was going to suffocate that day. The pain was unbearable at times. I guess Christmas day was just super busy. We left the day after Christmas heading to Destin with Jon Mark and Peggy, Brad, Sherri and Bailey. It was absolutely crazy trying to leave the day after Christmas, but it certainly helped to go out of town. The kids had a great time as did I. Melinda, Ashley, Ross, Anderson, Daniel and Haley also came to Destin and that was fun to get to hang out with them some. The kids all have battled some sort of illness the entire holiday so our 'hanging' out time was limited. All in all, I have to say my God was SO faithful to get me through the holiday season. Each and every time I felt completely overwhelmed He provided me His peace. I stand in awe of Him each and every day.

I must admit I was very ready to say goodbye to 2008. It was a year ago this week that our journey began. I'll never forget the night before Jason heard the words, "you might have leukemia...you need to see an oncologist immediately." That night I did battle. Battle with the Lord and Satan. I might freak some of you out at this point, but spiritual warfare is very real. It was very real in my room at my parents house January 5, 2008. Let me back up a little and provide some background information...

The week before Jason's diagnosis, he ran a fever consistently. He had seen a family physician in Naples at the beginning of the fever and this doctor prescribed him an antibiotic. After 3 days on the antibiotic he continued to run a high fever. I insisted he find an after hours clinic in Naples on that Sunday so that blood work could be done. Why did I insist on this? I have NO idea. It is like the Lord was gently preparing me for what was to come. Those several days before he went for blood work, I just knew he had leukemia. I have NO idea where I got that from, but I even shared my feelings with some friends and family and they all thought I was crazy. I just knew...

Now back to the night of January 5 (night before blood work was performed at an after hours clinic). I tried to sleep to no avail. All night long I cried as I literally heard in one ear..."Stephanie, a God that loves you would NEVER allow your husband to have leukemia. I mean, you are 7 months pregnant and ya'll are so close to him graduating from anesthesia school." Oh, how it grieved me so to hear these words. In the other ear I heard God saying, "Stephanie, I love you with an everlasting love. Do you trust me? Trust me, Stephanie. I will never leave nor forsake you." At 5:00 a.m. I finally said to God, "your will, Lord."

It was a little over 5 hours later that I took a phone call during church from Jason. He was crying. I knew. Even before he said a word. "Stephanie, he said I could have leukemia..." Oh, how my heart was shattered in a million pieces. And there he was 13 hours away from me. He was all alone and I couldn't get to him fast enough.

Then the journey began. We flew him back to Hattiesburg the very next day to be seen by our favorite oncologist, Dr. Bellare. When Jason walked in his parents house that afternoon he was white as a ghost. No color whatsoever. I believe he was very close to death that day, but that's for another day.

I remember sitting in Dr. Bellare's office like it was yesterday. I remember Jason was shaking with chills as he was running a fever even then. I remember Dr. Bellare thoroughly examining Jason and all the while me praying that this was just some fluke and that as soon as he finished examining him he would tell us he had mono or something. I remember Dr. Bellare leaving the room to go and look at his blood work through a slide. My good friend Heather Berke, who is a doctor, prepared me that he would do this. I remember as we waited Jason and I chatted, but who knows what we talked about. I held his hand and played with his fingers. Even they were ghostly pale.

The door opened and I could see it in Dr. Bellare's eyes. He sat down and held both of our hands. He began to say something to the effect of..."I have just prayed and asked the Lord to give me wisdom in how to tell you two special kids this horrible news." My heart sunk and I remember feeling very nauseous. I held Jason's hand tighter. And then the official word. "Jason, it appears you have acute myelogenous leukemia. I am pretty confident of this, but will need to do a biopsy to be certain." Acute what? For days I couldn't even pronounce myelogenous and remember being so thankful to hear that it was also called acute myeloid leukemia. I could pronounce that. Maybe. Anyway, Dr. Bellare told us we must go straight to Forrest General to be admitted. I started to cry as did Jason. He shared 2 verses of scripture and then prayed with us.

I have never been so afraid in all of my life than I was on that day. I remember calling my parents and then Jason's parents. All I could say was, "it is leukemia and we're headed to the hospital." I began to send text messages to friends begging them to start praying immediately. Soon after that my phone was being bombarded with text messages from friends and strangers telling me they were praying and even providing God's word for me to cling to...and boy did I cling to those promises! You see, this is just one of the MANY ways that in our darkest hour the Lord showed up. His faithfulness to us had just began. There is so much more I could share, but for now I'll stop.

This past Sunday a.m. our praise team at church sang a song entitled, "We Will Remember." So much of 2008 is SO incredibly painful to remember, but as I listened to them sing about remembering God's faithfulness, it hit me like a ton of bricks. He has been SO incredibly faithful to me even in the hardest times and as much as I'd like to forget 2008, I can't because I must share with others of His faithfulness.

Read below the words of the song and for those of you that walked the entire journey with us, be amazed at how fitting this song is for us...

We Will Remember, by Tommy Walker

We will remember, we will remember
We will remember the works of Your hands
We will stop and give you praise
For great is Thy faithfulness

You’re our creator, our life sustainer
Deliverer, our comfort, our joy throughout the ages
You’ve been our shelter
Our peace in the midst of the storm

With signs and wonders You’ve shown Your power
With precious blood You showed us Your grace
You’ve been our helper, our liberator
The giver of life with no end

When we walk through life’s darkest valleys
We will look back at all You have done
And we will shout, our God is good
And He is the faithful One

Hallelujah, hallelujah
To the one from whom all blessings flow
Hallelujah, hallelujah
To the one whose glory has been shown

I still remember the day You saved me
The day I heard You call out my name
You said You loved me and would never leave me
And I’ve never been the same

We will remember, we will remember
We will remember the works of Your hands
We will stop and give you praise
For great is Thy faithfulness

So even in the blog world, I will SHOUT, our God is good and He is the faithful one!

Friends, I ask that you continue to pray for me in the coming days. These days are tough to walk through, but I know I'll get to the other side. He hasn't let me down yet!

Auld Lang Syne

2009-01-01T09:46:00.006-06:00

(Scott here. I am ghost writing for Steph today.)

Everyone knows the song we traditionally play on New Year's Eve as a new year dawns, but the song's title is translated into English with different meanings. The one I like today is "days gone by." With young sons, nieces and a nephew, I am learning that time goes so quick you do not need to wish a moment away. But, so long 2008. In many ways, I wish I hardly knew ye.

January 6th, 2008 was the beginning of a tough year for our family. I will never forget the moment. We came in from church and lunch when my mother in law called. She said, "Scott, this is Ms. Melinda. You need to call your parents. They think Jason has leukemia." My world seemed to temporarily stop, but my mind and thoughts roared. Who is they? And, he just had a little fever. Leukemia? The first tear of the year followed soon thereafter, and I shed more in 2008 than probably any other year in my life. They still come, and it is usually at really weird times. Just last week, I was putting up some laundry. I was folding my tshirts, and wham. Lost it. Jason had turned me on to the brand of undershirts I now wear. Then, I found a pair of socks that were his. My mom did Jason and my laundry when we were both at her house, and this pair of socks had made it into my "pile" the Christmas before the ugly l-word. Strange thing to bring such powerful emotions.

Through the heartache and tears, we also experienced joy. In February, God blessed our family with a healthy "Baby Lally." Allyson Laine Weathers - a spitting image of her daddy - was born healthy and whole. God allowed Jason to be healthy enough at the time to be there when she was born. In May, God blessed us with my second son - Anderson Grady Shows. Anna Lea was baptized (she was saved in 2007) and is a child of God assured to see her Daddy again one day.

In 2008, we saw a community come to our aid in such a way that it was overwhelming. A number of people have told us they came to know God or turned back to God in watching Jason and Stephanie glorify Him during their suffering. And, let's not forget that Jason was healed. He's not sick, he's not suffering and he is not facing another battery of treatments. He is completely healed and with his Savior.

In 2008, I found a good friend in Cheeseball - a.k.a. Brad. ReRe got baptized and can now eat the wafers. My dad found facebook. My mom found out she is spry enough to be a mother of three when needed at the young age of 60. Mr. Jon Mark and Ms. Peggy now can visit all their immediate family by going to one street since they live next door to each other now. Ashley got another neice that adores her. Jon Brent found his hitters. (long story, but Caringbridge alumni may remember it.) Anna Lea has her own bedroom and enough Barbies to man a war. Ross got a full set of drums. Anderson and Ally (Chunky Monkeys) have never missed a meal.

God's blessings have accompanied our heartache, and we are aware and most thankful for them. Jason is missed mightily, and I still don't understand why such a good man had to go. But, God has been faithful to this family. It has been and will be tough for Steph and the kids, but we rest assured that God will provide and get them through the darker days when they come.

As you auld lang syne a new year in today, try not to dwell on the "days gone by" but focus on the blessings. The future is a mystery. The past is history. Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present.

We are looking forward to a better year in 2009, but should the valley's present themselves, I pray that all of us can approach them the way J did. His first public words came on January 10th, and this is what he said:

"First of all I want to express my heart-felt thanks for all of your love and support. Your prayers, food, cards, phone calls, visits, and emails have all been blessings to me during this time of uncertainty and confusion. I know my God is great and I know His plan and purpose for my life is perfect. I know this "bend in the road" is a part of that perfect plan. I may never know why, this side of heaven, but I rest assured because He is omnipotent God. All glory be to Him who is above all, knows all, and is all!"

What a man! I will forever be thankful that God blessed me with J as my brother in law.

Please continue to pray for my sister and their children. Your prayers are as coveted on January 1, 2009 as they were on January 6th, 2008. Thank you all for loving my sister. We are forever indebted. God bless.

Scott

Because of Christmas...

2008-12-24T22:56:00.002-06:00

I spent this morning at Forrest General E.R. with Jon Brent and Ally. Not because of any emergency, but because they both started running a fever during the early hours of the morning. Ugh. Our normal pediatrician's office was closed today due to it being Christmas Eve. I chose to go to the E.R. due to the fact of a dear friend who works there and she assured me we'd be in and out quickly. I wanted to get the kids started on an antibiotic ASAP!

As I waited for the doctor a perfect stranger walked in the exam room. She was from the business office and was just doing her job by making sure all information in the computer was correct. For some reason, it wasn't noted in the Forrest General computer system that Jason was not living. I quickly informed her that Jason died in July here in this very hospital. I must admit that I was a little frustrated over having to go into this with her, but quickly my attitude changed. The kind representative began to apologize over and over. After getting the pertinent information and signing all necessary forms... by the way, I think I have signed these forms enough because of Jason that I could sign them perfectly on the designated line with a blind fold on! Anyway, as she left the room this Forrest General employee said, "Mrs. Weathers, it's because of Christmas that you'll see your husband again!" Wow.

A truth I knew, but at that moment I needed to be reminded of it. Throughout today I have thought of that statement,"It's because of Christmas..." Although in many ways I'd like to totally skip Christmas this year, it is because of CHRISTmas that I CAN press on during this nightmare I am living. It's because of CHRISTmas that He has brought me HOPE of a future that is to come! It's because of CHRISTmas that Jason and I even ever got together almost 16 years ago. It's because of CHRISTmas that we were blessed with these precious children. It's because of CHRISTmas that I am blessed to have such wonderful friends and family encouraging me through this journey. It's because of CHRISTmas that we all have Easter. He had to come as a baby so that one day He could die as a man on a cross. Not only would He die, but He would raise again so that DEATH was forever conquered. What a God we serve! So, it IS because of CHRISTmas that one day not only will I see Jason again, but I will see HIM, the King of Kings and Lord and Lords and spend all of eternity with them both.

Dear ones, Merry CHRISTmas! Although this season is most difficult for me, I am so thankful that it does take place. I pray you and your family have a most blessed CHRISTmas! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love and support. May God bless you all!

Happy Birthday, Anna Lea!

2008-12-21T16:13:00.004-06:00

December 21, 2001, at 10:53 p.m. Anna Lea Weathers made her grand appearance. I know every parent says this, but Jason and I were SO very thrilled at this blessing that arrived in our life 7 years ago today. She was everything we had hoped and prayed that she would be. I remember Jason praying with me as we drove to the hospital early that Friday morning and the excitement is his voice over the upcoming birth of his daughter could not be contained. Most of you know that Jason was pretty even kill most of the time, but he was so thrilled. After all of our family left the night she born, Jason and I just held her alone together thanking God for this precious baby girl. I remember Jason holding her in his big strong arms saying over and over again, "I can't believe she's mine!" And was she his! She was the spitting image of her daddy when she was first born. Jason and Anna Lea had such a close relationship. I wish I could fully describe to you in detail the love he had for her and it was so evident in so many ways, but I could see it in his eyes. I could see it each and every time he looked at her. She was his Anna Bug which later he shortened to just Bug. I can't believe 7 years have come and gone. Anna Lea has brought so much JOY to our lives and I am so proud that the Lord has allowed me the opportunity to be her mom.

I woke up this morning with such a heavy heart since Jason was not here to celebrate her 7th birthday. Not only was he missing her birthday, but something even more exciting and special. Anna Lea was baptized this morning in church and my dad had the honor of doing it. Oh, how I pray the Lord allowed Jason the opportunity to view her baptism from heaven. Almost 2 years ago, Jason and I had the privilege of leading Anna Lea to the Lord while sitting on our couch in Naples. It was such a holy moment and one that I will forever cherish. Jason and I had both prayed FERVENTLY since the day Anna Lea was born that she would choose to follow Jesus. I am so thrilled that she has chosen Jesus even at this young age and pray she'll continue pursue Him with her whole heart for all the days of her life.

Another REALLY exciting thing happened today and that was Sherri (aka ReRe) was also baptized. How special for the two of them to be baptized on the same day! It is so incredible for me to see all that God is teaching Sherri and I am so thankful that she too wants to follow the Lord. God is so good. Jason loved ReRe so much and I know he would have been beaming with JOY today to see these two following Jesus TOGETHER.

God is good and continues to be so faithful to our family. It has been a hard day, but good all in the same. I know there are many more of these days to come, but how thankful I am to have Jesus gently holding me through each one. I found it appropriate that the last song we sang today was, "Lord, I'm Amazed by You." I do stand amazed. I pray you do the same this week leading up to Christmas.

A Busy Few Days...

2008-12-14T22:34:00.004-06:00

The last several days have been incredibly busy. The busy weekend actually started on Thursday when we woke up with SNOW in Hattiesburg. I am not sure if I totally believe this global warming thing because it has snowed in the 'burg twice in 2008! I am guessing we won't see snow for another decade now.

Anna Lea turns 7 on Sunday, December 21st. We celebrated a little early on Friday with her first slumber party. Whew... I am still tired! I have included some pictures below of some of the excitement.

Snow in Hattiesburg...

Anna Lea 's snow DUCK that she built with Uncle Brad!

Our house after some of the snow started to melt

Uncle Brad and the kids in their "redneck" snow attire...garbage bags!

The SLUMBER party...

Lots of giggles and screams...oh, to be 7 again!

Anna Lea and Jon Brent's gingerbread house

Sweet baby Ally

Even with all of the busyness of this time of the year, I still find myself missing Jason so much. Sometimes I think I am taking steps in the right direction toward healing only in the next moment to feel like I have taken two giant steps backwards. I guess that is all part of the grieving process. As I have said before, grieving is such a tricky process.

Sundays are one of my hardest days. I think I have shared this before. This morning as I was getting dressed, I was totally overcome with emotion. I have this drawer in my bathroom where I have placed some of Jason's cologne. I was putting something else away and came across it. I rarely open the drawer. I took a quick sniff of the cologne he wore most of the time and just became so very sad. At that moment I just wanted him here with me. I began to cry and even began to cry aloud to the Lord. More like shouting with tears. Was I mad at God? Not at all, but I just felt the need to speak loudly. I am certain He could have heard my heart even without words. Let me say this again, I have never been angry with the Lord for He is the ONLY constant I have in my life. How could I be mad at the person that is carrying me daily if not second by second? Within seconds of my breakdown with God over why this had to happen, I felt His presence. There was His peace. The peace that passes ALL understanding.

For me when I am at my lowest, praising God in song is so very comforting and helpful. I turned on my IPod while I attempted to re-apply my make-up. The song that came on was Sing to the King. God has a way of providing just the right song for me at just the right moment!
For His return we watch and we pray...we will be ready the dawn of that day...We'll join in singing with all the redeemed...Cause Satan is vanquished and my Jesus is KING!

Those few words helped me put my grief in perspective. The King will return for me! This hurt and pain I am experiencing will be NO more. We WILL sing with ALL the redeemed and that includes my sweet Jason!

Tonight as I was checking my email, I had received a forward of one of Beth Moore's entries to her blog. I usually read her blog because in case I haven't mentioned it before, I am a HUGE Beth Moore fan! :) The forward couldn't have come at a more perfect time for me. I am going to include a portion of what she wrote.

Girlfriends, Jesus is so worthy of our trust no matter what has taken us by surprise. Picture that, when the enemy asks for a little extra access to you, the only reason why God may have given him permission is because He knew you'd prove faithful. Do the thing. In the unseen realm, angels are cheering and demons are jeering. You are in the stadium and the bleachers are full. (Hebrews 12:1) Take one for the team if you have to. Be strong and courageous. Be willing to show people how it's done. Don't look for a leader. You are the leader. People are looking to you. Be deliberate. Make sure they see Jesus. We're not here all that long and then there's BLISS. Forever bliss. (Beth Moore)

I love the last statement so much that I am going to write it out again..."We're not here all that long and then there's BLISS. Forever bliss!" This promise from the Lord is what keeps me going day after day. I pray it does the same for you, however, I also pray that because of this most difficult journey that I am on will only point others to Jesus!

May this suffering not be in vain, oh Lord! To YOU be all the glory for you are so worthy of it all!

It's All Yours, God

2008-12-10T21:34:00.003-06:00

I did something today that I never thought I'd be doing at this phase of my life. This afternoon I took Anna Lea to pick out something for Jason's grave that had a Christmas look to it. Today as we walked the aisle of the store looking, Anna Lea would blurt out, "mom, this would look good on daddy's grave." We got a few stares. I tried to shh Anna Lea because I hate to make people uncomfortable. I am sure it must have been an awkward moment for a couple of shoppers who were close enough to hear Anna Lea. It isn't everyday that you see a young child picking out something for their daddy's grave at Christmas.

As we drove away from store and headed to cemetary Anna Lea asked me, "mom, why did daddy HAVE to die?" She has asked me this many times before, but as it does me, the question obviously lingers in her mind. I usually try and give her the "church" answer..."God chose to heal him by taking him to heaven - God is in control - He is receiving the glory because of it -we may never know the real reason, but we trust Him..." She got none of those responses today. My response this afternoon was simple, "I really don't know, Anna Lea."

I really don't know nor do I pretend to know why God would see fit to remove Jason from this earth. I don't know why he didn't see fit for him to be able to raise these innocent children. I don't know why he didn't allow Jason to graduate from Anesthesia school when he was literally months from finishing. His ways and thoughts are so much higher than mine. I have to wake up each and every morning and tell myself, "Stephanie, God is sovereign and you trust Him!" Sometimes I have to tell myself this several times a day.

As we left the cemetary I had the radio on a Christian radio station. The song Yours by Steven Curtis Chapman was playing. I wasn't really paying attention to the song as I have heard it on numerous times. As the tears flowed, I heard new lyrics to this song. Many of you probably remember that he recently lost his daughter in a very tragic accident. Apparently after the death of his daughter, he wrote new lyrics for the end of the song. Read below...

I’ve walked the valley of death’s shadow
So deep and dark that I could barely breathe
I’ve had to let go of more than I could bear
And questioned everything that I believe
But still even herein this great darkness
A comfort and hope come breaking through
As I can say in life or death
God we belong to you.

How I wish I could write like that! It's like he has read my prayer journal...
The song goes on to say:

And it’s all Yours God, Yours God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky to the depths of the ocean floor
And it’s all Yours God, Yours God
Everything is Yours
All the greatness and power, the glory and splendor and majesty

God It’s all Yours, God (all gifts are Yours)
It’s all Yours, God (all our dreams are yours)
It’s all Yours, God (all our plans are Yours, God)
It’s all Yours, God (this whole earth is Yours, God)

As I have hurt today not only for myself, but for so many others facing such loss and pain this Christmas season, this song was a gentle reminder of our reality. The reality is that this earth is not ours. Our family is not ours. Our homes are not ours. Our dreams, plans, material possessions... ALL belong to Him. We are but a vapor on this earth and Praise God this is NOT it! There is something far greater for us beyond this life.

I belong to the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. I am His. That is such an overwhelming thought. He is with me even now in my deepest despair. I pray I never get over that amazing reality.

2008-12-07T21:37:00.012-06:00

Before I begin with about what I intended to write about, I thought I'd share a few of the snapshots that I attempted to take of the kids after church today dressed in one of their Christmas outfits. Usually I would choose to only share the GOOD one(s), but tonight I decided to share some of the good ones as well as the not so good ones. I know many of you can relate to what it's like to try and get 3 kids to cooperate for a picture! I hope you enjoy...

He wanted some M&M's.

Jon Brent was done!

He was trying b/c I threatened him, but it didn't work...

Jon Brent decided he wanted to take a pic...he did good!

I am totally exhausted right at this moment after having had some very dear friends spend the weekend with me here in Hattiesburg. I have referred to them on this blog before, but let me refresh your memory. S.L.A.M. is what we named ourselves in junior high. It was cool then, well, maybe not, but we thought so anyway. :) Laney lives in McComb, Amy lives in Clinton, and Macy lives in Memphis. It is always a big undertaking to find a weekend that we can all escape our daily lives and be reunited. We have been most fortunate to be able to gather twice since September. I can't tell you how good it is to spend time with these friends.

(me, Laney, Amy, Macy)

We usually laugh so much that our sides hurt and this weekend was no different. Last night we sat around my kitchen table and the laughter subsided for a while and these great friends just let me talk and mainly cry. And they cried with me. This particular 'cry fest' began by one simple question and that was, "what is the hardest thing you struggle with right now?" Loneliness. I try so hard to stay super busy during the day... well, let me re-phrase that...I AM super busy during the day with 3 kids- no trying required. I dread the night time routine with a passion without Jason. Once the kids are in the bed, I miss Jason so badly and feel so very alone in this house. As I shared my hurt and struggles with them last night, they did exactly what I needed them to do and that was listen and cry with me. No advice or words of wisdom was needed. Their mere presence was the only medicine I needed. I have been so incredibly blessed to have such an amazing group of godly friends for so many years, but especially during the last year. I pray that one day I can minister to them the way they have all so willingly ministered to me in my greatest time of need. So, thank you girls for sacrificing time away from your family to be with me. Thank your sweet husbands for being super dads this weekend so that we could be together. The laughter was SO incredibly good for me as well as the tears. Also, thanks to Jason's parents and my parents for taking such good care of my 3 for the weekend. The date has been set for our next reunion and I am already looking forward to it!

A Good Day

2008-11-30T22:49:00.008-06:00

Bailey, Ross, and Jon Brent

Haley, Mrs. Mangum and Daniel

(Ashley's future sister in law, her grandmother, and brother)

Sweet Baby Anderson

Mr. Wayne (Ashley's dad)

Melinda and Nancy
(Ashley's mom and my mom)

My mom, dad, Scott, and Ashley

Brad, Sherri, and Mrs. Debbie (Sherri's mom)

Scott and Ashley

Anna Lea and Ally

Mrs. Peggy, Bailey and Mr. Jon Mark

Well, I made it through yet another first without Jason. I imagined that Thanksgiving Day would be much harder than it was, but it really was a good day. Obviously, there were moments where I felt so lost without him, but overall it was a good day. Thank you, Jesus! I know it was His grace that got me through it. As always, He provided my 'daily bread.'

We decided several weeks back that we needed to change up our normal Thanksgiving tradition in hopes that it would make the day more bearable. I am so thankful that we did. Usually we would eat lunch with Jason's side of family and dinner with my side. I decided to have both Jason's parents and my parents for lunch at my house, as well as the siblings, etc. Don't get too impressed... I did NONE of the cooking. I told everyone I would provide the tea and the rolls. Easy enough! Everyone else brought the food and it was perfect.

Everyone stayed all day and we even warmed up the food again for dinner. I was SO thankful that everyone stayed to keep me busy. Being alone is never good for me right now especially on a significant day. The more the merrier for me. :)

This weekend as we began decorating the house for Christmas, my soul longed for Jason even more than I thought possible. I know my God will continue to be faithful to me and once again see me through this season.

Thanks for walking this journey with me...

Giving Thanks

2008-11-27T00:14:00.003-06:00

Last Thanksgiving none of us knew it was our last with Jason. Even though things will be SO different this year and we certainly have experienced such a huge and tragic loss, I still want to give thanks to our Lord for His many blessings.

I am so very thankful EVEN in my great loss. Today I give thanks for my Savior, who has sustained me in both the good and bad days. Today I give thanks for His sovereignty. I don't have to understand His ways, but I give thanks that I can trust Him even when I can't see His plan. Today I give thanks that Jesus conquered death once and for all and that because of that truth, we all will live FOREVER with Him. How that promise gets me from one day to the next without Jason! Today I give thanks for Jason. I give thanks for the 16 years I had with him. I give thanks for our children. Oh, how I treasure them more and more each day!

I give thanks for my entire family. They have certainly done so very much in helping me get through this very hard year. I give thanks for 2008. It most definitely hasn't been the year that I had hoped for, but to God be the glory for all He has done because of Jason's leukemia! I give thanks for His church. Not just Temple, but I give thanks for the entire body of Christ. I give thanks for the opportunity to see the church be the church during this valley. I give thanks for my friends. I am so blessed to have such wonderful friends who have served me in so many ways this year. I am in debt to them all for a long, long time!

I could go on and on, but instead I will include Psalm 138. It sums up my heart on this Thanksgiving day.

I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart; before the "gods" I will sing your praise.
I will bow down toward your holy temple and will praise your name for your love and your faithfulness, for you have exalted above all things your name and your word.
When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted.
May all the kings of the earth praise you, O LORD, when they hear the words of your mouth.
May they sing of the ways of the LORD, for the glory of the LORD is great.
Though the LORD is on high, he looks upon the lowly, but the proud he knows from afar.
Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me.
The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever— do not abandon the works of your hands.

Finally, I give thanks for YOU! You will never know how your words of encouragement and prayers have carried me through some most difficult days. May God bless you all!

Give thanks to the Lord! His love endures FOREVER!

2008-11-24T20:40:00.005-06:00

I plan to write more this week about the Thanksgiving season, which seems to get overlooked because of Christmas, but tonight I wanted to share a couple of pictures of my pilgrim and Indian. :)

Jon Brent had a Thanksgiving feast at his preschool where he got to dress as a pilgrim. He really wanted to be spiderman, but I didn't think that was appropriate. He still doesn't understand why he couldn't be spiderman. Notice Ally has on Christmas pajamas. (I am guilty of overlooking Thanksgiving, too!)

Anna Lea was an Indian and they made their costume at school. Kentucky Fried Chicken was the menu at their feast! So precious. We had great fun making a turkey for an art contest at her school. I didn't have a clue what we would we possibly do with this large Mickey hand when it was given to us at Disney World... the end result... a turkey!

Now, here is the real TURKEY...Brad! Just kidding. This picture was taken recently and I just wanted to share. I love these two more than I can say. So very thankful for their love and many sacrifices they make for me and the kids. More to come...

Hope

2008-11-19T21:46:00.008-06:00

A week ago today was Jason's birthday and I must tell you it was such a rough day for me. I hurt so deeply and so badly wanted Jason here with me on this earth. I wanted to look into his eyes and tell him Happy Birthday. I wanted so badly to sit with him and fill him in on all that has transpired in the last 4 months. I wanted him to walk through the door and greet the kids the way he greeted them each day after returning home from work or school. The weather was so very gloomy on his birthday and that was exactly how I felt. Gloomy and so very sad. I was overwhelmed once again by the all the words of encouragement I received on that day through phone calls, emails, text messages, messages on this blog as well as facebook messages. However, the day just seemed to drag and feel...heavy. I could not wait until November 13 arrived. And it did.

On November 13th the sun was shining so bright and the sky was clear blue. Thank Jesus! I packed and cleaned all morning getting ready for Disney. I had prayed the night before that somehow the Lord would allow me to be genuinely excited about this trip. He once again was faithful. I woke up Thursday a.m. really ready for this trip. We flew out Thursday afternoon with 3 VERY excited kids. I think Ashley and I were just as excited as they were! Speaking of Ashley, let me just take a moment and thank her in this setting. Ashley hates any attention so I know she won't be happy with me about the next couple of sentences. This entire trip was Ashley's idea and provided for by her. She called me several months ago and surprised me with the idea. I was overwhelmed then and I still am overwhelmed at her love and generosity. I wish I could adequately express to you how very special Ashley is to me. I pretty much hand picked her to be my sister in law. :) (Scott, you know you can't argue with that statement!) I SO badly wanted to have a sister growing up and God blessed me BIG time as an adult to have 2 absolutely wonderful sisters in law who have become my best friends. I am so thankful for both of them. Anyway, the fact that she provided this trip for me and the kids is just who Ashley is... so giving. Giving, but she NEVER seeks the applause of others because of that giving spirit. You see, Ashley learned this trait directly from her parents. They also are SO giving to me and to my family.

Disney didn't fail us, it truly was a magical time. It has always been a favorite place of mine and Jason's, but it will now hold such a different place in my heart because of what it did this visit. For 5 days I was happy. Really happy. We talked of Jason a lot, but all happy memories. No leukemia memories. Oh, I can't tell you what that did for me. God used Disney to give me HOPE of what was to come. (Yes, you read it correctly... God used Disney...is that possible? Some Southern Baptists would disagree with me!) Through this trip the Lord provided me hope for having true JOY again.

Grief is a tricky and rough process. Some days are easier than others. Let me back up and say some moments are easier than others. Some moments I smile/laugh and others I cry... A LOT. Some days I wake up ready for the day while other days I think, "there is no way I can make it today." Some nights I fall fast asleep while other nights I cry myself to sleep for missing Jason so much. The last 5 days I was able to have joy. Yes, I missed Jason tremendously, but for 5 days I had what I would call a reprieve from the heaviness of grief that I have experienced over the last 4 months. I guess it was more like a break from my reality. I can't tell you how thankful to the Lord I am for this break and glimpse of joy.

Recently I read a devotional by Beth Moore that spoke of this very thing. Allow me to quote her directly so not to mess up what God was saying through her.

"Joy may seem to pause as grief takes its course, but those whose hearts are bound by Him will experience it again." She then quotes Jeremiah 31:3-4. "You, O Lord, love me with an everlasting love; You have drawn me with loving kindness. You will build me up again and I will be rebuilt. I will take up my tambourine and go out to dance with the joyful!"

What a promise our Lord provides! I must admit when we landed in Atlanta for a quick lay-over Monday night, my reality hit me square in the eyes and the pain returned. I know this grief is for a season and one day I know He will rebuild me and allow me to be joyful again. The joy He will bring will last for more than 5 days, too. In the meantime, I am most thankful for the break He provided and for the HOPE I have as to what is to come. I will continue to allow Him to heal my broken heart in His time. I continue to lean hard into Jesus knowing His ways are perfect and that He is good.

Just a sample of the fun...

2008-11-18T22:31:00.003-06:00

Just a sample of some of the fun we had in Disney. More to come, but tonight I need REST! Disney is NO vacation...it's WORK! Anyway, I plan to write more tomorrow about the last week and post a few more pictures. Thanks for checking in with me. To be continued...

November 12

2008-11-12T00:40:00.000-06:00

Today, November 12th, Jason would have been 34 years old. I assure you last year when we celebrated his birthday, we never dreamed it would be his last here. I was trying to remember exactly what we did to celebrate the day. What did we do to celebrate his very last birthday on this earth?

Allow me to reminisce... we ate at one of his favorite restaurants in Naples. Hurricane Grill. Naples has some of the most fabulous eateries, but we didn't get frequent those places too often. One reason is Jason was in graduate school, therefore we were on a very tight budget and another reason was we had 2 small kids! The Hurricane Grill is a very casual establishment that served the best boneless wings in town. The hotter the better for Jason. We frequented this place so often that we became acquaintances with the owner. He was from New Orleans so we always enjoyed talking about places we were all familiar with... this always made us feel close to home.

After a great meal we went home for birthday cake that was prepared by none other than Anna Lea. A homemade "funfetti" cake. This was Anna Lea's favorite and thus became Jason's favorite. The cake was so good that Jason consumed almost half of it ALONE in 2 days. I tried to make him feel bad about this since he was a diabetic, but his response was always, "it's my birthday, leave me alone!" And so I did only after I nagged him about it no less than hundred times. After cake, we put the kids to bed and decided to watch a movie, a favorite hobby of Jason's. We watched Hitch. We had seen this movie numerous times, but since most of the movies Jason owned were "kill 'em up dead" movies, this would fit my taste as well. That's all I really remember about his last birthday. That makes me even more sad. How I wish I would have savored the day a little longer. How I wish now that I would have INSISTED that he let me take his picture! (The picture above was taken close to his birthday, but not on actual day.)

November 12th will always be a day I will celebrate even though my pain is so incredibly great this year. I am forever a better person because of Jon Jason Weathers. I am so thankful that the Lord saw fit for our paths to cross and then allowed me the honor of being his wife for 10 years. I am blessed beyond measure to be the mother of his children. Although the task seems daunting right now without him, I am so thankful to our Savior for these little Jason's that are in my possession.

November 12th also marks exactly four months since Jason's passing. Four months...sometimes it seems like forever while other times it seems like just yesterday. I took some flowers to the cemetery on Monday with Jon Brent and Ally. (Anna Lea was in school still.) I don't really frequent the cemetery all that often. Not sure why, but for now it doesn't really comfort me to visit. Maybe one day it will, but for now I pretty much avoid going. Jon Brent was unusually quiet during the visit. I guess he was just taking it all in or as much as a 3 year old mind can take in. I sat Ally on the grass as I just quietly sat looking at both of them. They both have changed so much in four months. Especially Ally. My heart hurt so very much looking at their innocent faces. I hurt for them in that they don't get the benefits of having Jason walk with them through all life will throw at them. I had to continue to remind myself that He does have a plan and that His word promises us that He will work this for our good. I must be honest and say at that moment I couldn't see the good, but only fill the enormous hurt. I gave those feelings immediately to Jesus. All of them. I find myself having to do that sometimes on a daily basis. Who am I kidding? Sometimes an hourly basis.

I have thought a lot as to how we should spend today. I have even asked the kids as to how they want to celebrate daddy's birthday. Anna Lea wants to bake the funfetti cake. Jon Brent... well, when I asked him, his response was, "I want to go to Target and get a race car." This is how Jon Brent would spend every day! So, I am not exactly sure as to how the day will unfold, but I covet your prayers. Yes, it is just another day without sweet Jason, but a significant day nonetheless.

As I contemplate our day without Jason, I am also thinking of how he is spending his first birthday in heaven. My dear Mammaw's birthday was yesterday so I hope the two of them are having one fabulous celebration together. However, I imagine everyday is a fabulous celebration in heaven. So, Happy Birthday, sweet Jason. I know this one will be the best one for you ever and that thought brings me such comfort.

"Still"

Hide me now

Under your wings

Cover me within your mighty hand

Find rest my soul

In Christ alone

Know his power

In quietness and trust

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

I will soar with you above the storm

Father you are king over the flood

I will be still and know you are God
Words by Reuben Morgan

Just an update on me...

2008-11-08T22:39:00.003-06:00

I haven't updated in almost a week and although I am so very tired tonight, I was drawn here. Ally has had a double ear infection this week. She's been most demanding as any child would be with ears as bad as her ears. I think we've all been fighting off a cold all week. I pray we are all on the mends again as we are to leave for Disney in just a few days. All I can say is thank God for my mom! She has pulled extra shifts this week in helping me with the kids... especially Ally. By the way, I think Ally thinks that my mom is her mom. :) You have to remember that right after Ally was born, I was spending most of my time taking care of Jason. Nana was her main care provider. Ally literally lights up like a Christmas tree when Nana walks in the room and she ALWAYS chooses Nana over me. I joke with my mom about being offended by this, but truthfully I am most thankful.

I was able to sneak off to Jackson on Friday and shop at Mistletoe Marketplace with some friends. This was medicine to my soul. I enjoyed so much the laughter that came from being there. I saw several people that I haven't seen since Jason died and all were so encouraging to me. It's amazing how a small word of encouragement can be such healing for my soul.

Today I stayed home ALL day except for a quick bite to eat tonight with family. I don't think I have stayed home like this in weeks! I got a lot accomplished and that always makes me feel better. :) My mom and I hung some pictures tonight in some areas of the house. Having pictures hung on the wall really makes a house feel like home. I sat in the den tonight just looking around in total silence. I was so overwhelmed with so many emotions. I know I have said this before, but I so wish Jason could have been a part of this house. Not that I want to bring him back to this earth from heaven, but I just know he would have loved this house. At first after I bought the house, I thought that Jason wouldn't have been so crazy about it, but now that I have our 'stuff' in it, I know he would have loved it. I still have so many of his things and I am not sure really what I plan to do with them, but right now I just want them with me. In some ways, it brings me comfort.

I ran in Target one day this week to pick up a prescription for Ally. I needed to run in the back of the store for a particular item which required me to be near the Christmas section. Immediately, I began to hear Christmas music. Ouch and ouch. Again ouch. This has already happened once in Wal-mart. Could everyone just turn down the Christmas music when they see me coming?!?!? (Kidding, of course.) In a matter of seconds, I was crying uncontrollably. Jon Brent was with me... thank the Lord. The conversation went something like this:
"Mommy, you crying cause you miss daddy?"
"Yes, Jon Brent, I miss daddy."
"Mommy, don't fry. You told me we'd see daddy again one day."
Out of the mouths of babes. Here in Target my 3 year old son was encouraging me. All I could say was, "you are right, Jon Brent."

Today I received word of a precious sister in Christ whose dad has been diagnosed with AML . I hurt so deeply for this family. I hate so badly for anyone to have to walk down the road we have had to walk. As I tried to find the right words to encourage her with all that kept coming to mind was, Jesus will be faithful. Regardless of how bad the news gets, He is always there. Even in my darkest days, He has been faithful to meet me there. Looking back on my journey thus far, my God has been so incredibly faithful to me even in those emotional breakdowns in Target over Christmas music playing in the background. What blows my mind even more about God's faithfulness is that I don't deserve Him. I deserve hell, but because of His grace, I will one day walk with Jason on the streets of gold in the presence of our faithful Lord. How I long for that day!

I want to close with the lyrics of a song entitled "I Will Run to You." This song has become my prayer over the last several days. Click here to listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7s2wCVcmYOU
Your eye is on the sparrow
And Your hand, it comforts me
From the ends of the Earth to the depth of my heart
Let Your mercy and strength be seen
You call me to Your purpose
As angels understand
For Your glory, may You draw all men
As Your love and grace demand
And I will run to You
To Your words of truth
Not by might, not by power
But by the spirit of God
Yes I will run the race'
Till I see Your face
Oh let me live in the glory of Your grace

Papa Got a Brand New Book

2008-11-04T20:10:00.008-06:00

(Papa and his grandchildren)

Well, Papa turned the big 60 today. Its hard to believe the decades go by so quickly. Papa spent some time tonight telling us how he spent the decades of his life and I thought I would share them with you.

He admitted to the family that he spent the first decade of his life wetting his bed. No, not the first year. Ten years. You would think after a few years he would have his bladder under control. At least he didn't have to worry about ruining clothes since he and his parents lived at a nudist colony.

In the next ten years, he got into a little mischief. At 12, he ran away and joined the traveling circus. That was too much work so he became a used car salesman at the age of 14. Needless to say, it went downhill from there. Hooked on crack at 16, he moved back home and began to pawn his parents big screen tv(22 inch, black and white) and mothball clothing. They finally got him sobered up and off to college.

His parents thought that they had straightened him up. He then decided to become a lawyer. They gave up. He was later blessed with two sons. He spent the next two decades trying to keep one of those sons from being a delinquent(yes, Jason). He came home several times to "that son" throwing a surprise party for him. Unfortunately, it was not supposed to be a surprise or a party. Because of that time, the Lord later blessed him with Bypass surgery.

The next two decades he continued taking care of sons, grandsons, and granddaughters. The time has definitely flown by. I would say that I hope he makes it another 60 years but lets not push it. I am not really fond of changing baby's diapers, much less old man diapers. I'll take another 40 though.

Lets go walking Mississippi

(Papa and his well trained dog)

BRAD

P.S. Papa did get a few books to read for his birthday.

"Keep Walking, Steph"

2008-11-01T23:45:00.004-05:00

It's been a crazy week. What is it with Halloween being so very busy? I've made it through other 'firsts' without Jason. Trick or Treating, Halloween parties, and USM Homecoming. I'll be honest, I wanted to skip out on all of it, but I know I have to keep going. A friend of mine sent me a text message the other day asking how I was doing. I began to converse with her about the deep pain I was feeling at the present and she sent me back simple advice, "keep walking, Steph." So, I keep walking. I so badly would love to stay in the bed and pull the covers over my head, but really what good would that do? My children wouldn't allow it for 2 seconds! Thank God for them during this most difficult time.

I was able to have dinner here in Hattiesburg with a friend of mine from Naples on Thursday night. Heather was doing some work in Jackson this week and made a HUGE sacrifice by driving down for the evening and taking me to dinner. What a treat! Heather is the first person from Naples that I have seen since Jason's death. Oh, the emotions that flooded my soul just seeing her sweet smile. I know I have written before about my time in Naples and I could write for days all that God did while there in two short years. How I wouldn't trade ONE single day that Jason and I had there now! I know for those of you who had to listen to me 'cry' over moving and even listen to me 'cry' over the fact we were 13 hours from home are now saying, "I told you so!" Go ahead, I give you permission.

Naples will FOREVER hold such a special place in my heart. God taught me so much about trusting Him completely while there. It was there that He began to prepare me for this journey I've been on for the last 10 months. It was there that He began dealing with me in regards to the fear of the unknown that had such a stronghold in my life. It was there that I had to completely get out of my comfort zone and rest in our Sovereign Lord. Another precious thing about Naples is that during our 2 years there, Jason and I grew SO very close to each other. So amazing how God works. I know I say this so often, but He really does blow my mind.

Naples will always be special also because of the people that we grew to love while there. Jason and I were so blessed to not only have our family and friends praying and encouraging us from the Hattiesburg area, but also those from Naples as well. We were constantly scratching our heads in astonishment each and every time we heard from anyone from Naples during Jason's battle with leukemia. I pray I get the opportunity to visit these wonderful folks in the near future. I know it will be a bitter sweet visit, but one I long to take.

I will close tonight by sharing a statement that I read this week by Beth Moore. "Every time we suffer loss, we have the opportunity for the loss to bring gain for Jesus' sake by allowing His life to be revealed." My prayer is that He will be revealed more and more because of this great loss. In the meantime, I'll keep walking.

Halloween Fun

2008-10-29T21:46:00.003-05:00

Spiderman in action!

Thanks to Uncle Brad our Butterfly can really FLY!

Anna Lea...not sure who she is, but she "DIGS" it!

More to share, but tonight I need sleep! These precious children are wearing me out...

A Year Ago

2008-10-25T16:42:00.006-05:00

Exactly one year ago my family spent several days in Disney World. Those memories now are priceless. We had such a great time. Little did we know that 3 months later we would be facing the toughest year of our life.

Jason absolutely loved Disney and all that went along with it. He had a week off last October so spending it there pleased Jason so much. Jason, the kids and I met my mom, dad, Scott, Ashley, Melinda, Wayne (Ashley's parents), Daniel and Haley (Ashley's brother and fiance' - by the way, we're pretty pumped at that engagement). Anyway, Brad just happened to be in Lakeland, Florida, competing in a canine competition with Mikey that week. Looking back, I don't believe he just happened to be there, but rather God ordained this time for Brad to be with all of us, but more importantly for Brad to spend some quality time with Jason. It thrilled Jason so much that Brad took the effort out of his busy schedule of competing to come 'hang' with us at Disney. I know Brad is as thankful for that time as I am. The weather was great while we were there, but the fellowship was even better. I showed the kids the pictures from the trip not long ago and oh, the memories that came flooding out of their mouth about that trip. You see, that was the last family vacation we had with Jason.

The Lord has blessed me beyond measure with WONDERFUL sisters in law. One lives next door while the other lives in Memphis. They both are amazing and have served me in so many ways. Ashley, also known as Ah-Lee, called me several weeks ago with a really big surprise. She informed me that she was planning to take me, Anna Lea, Jon Brent, and Ross to Disney in November. The plan is to leave the day after Jason's birthday. A nice diversion to what could be another really tough week. How kind and thoughtful is that! The kids are so excited. Jon Brent keeps saying, "we're going to Disney World in Ovember!"

Ashley was worried that visiting Disney this soon after the loss of Jason would be too hard. I am sure there will be some tough moments as Jason and I visited Disney MANY times over the last 10 years, but I pray there will be many smiles as we remember the fun we had a year ago with sweet Jason.

It's just Wednesday

2008-10-22T10:17:00.003-05:00

Is it just Wednesday? Seems like this week has lasted forever. The week has brought some moments I'd like not to have to be living through, but my God is faithful to give me breaks of joy as well. Monday was a tough day because I had to make myself go and pick out the head stone for Jason's grave. I know many do this very quickly after the loss of their loved one, but I just haven't had the strength to do it. There are many reasons I couldn't bring myself to do this, but Monday I had to put aside my reasons and just get it done. I walked in the monument company and literally felt like I was going to be sick. Doing something like this for your 33 year old husband is NOT normal. This is something you do WITH your spouse in your 70s. Right? Thankfully the individual working on Monday was most helpful and made this horrific task somewhat easier. When we were leaving an elderly couple drove in to do what I had just done, but they were getting to do it together. For a brief second I was so incredibly jealous of this couple that were complete strangers to me. Jealous of the fact that they have probably been married for 50 or so years. I pray they know how blessed they are to have had their mate by their side for so long. Something I so wish I would have been given the opportunity with sweet Jason, but that wasn't the plan and I must rest in His perfect ways even in the midst of my deepest pain.

My heart has hurt for another family this week as well. During Jason's illness, I came in contact with MANY families who were and still are fighting leukemia. One of those families was the Brown family. Cameron, who is 8, was diagnosed with AML when he was 4. After 2 transplants, he has relapsed again and has been sent home with no further treatment options. There is nothing more the doctors can do for him and unless our Lord chooses to heal him then he will meet Jesus in a matter of weeks. As I read Lori's entries on their caring bridge site, my heart breaks so deeply for her. (Lori is Cameron's mother) I so badly want to just hug her and serve her in some tangible way right now. As I was preparing to write her a message, I knew that NOTHING I could say could make this better for her. No words that I could possibly write would bring her real comfort. No words could take away the pain she is feeling. I hate that I know all too well the dark road she will have to walk in the coming days. No, I don't know what it is like to lose a child, but I do know how it hurts to lose someone you love with all you have to this nasty disease. Please pray along with me for the Brown family.

Praise God there will come a day when we won't have to deal with ANY disease. Praise God there will come a day when He will wipe away our EVERY tear... FOREVER.

Everlasting God

2008-10-18T22:53:00.007-05:00

I was going through some old photo albums this afternoon just longing to see Jason. I guess just to be close to him. I have always loved pictures and now am I so incredibly thankful for all the pictures I have of sweet Jason. Sometimes looking at the pictures brings a smile or laugh while other times it is so painful that tears flow without cease. I never know which emotion will take over when looking. Today I went through our honeymoon album. We went to Maui. What an amazing trip! My friends still make fun of me because I called them while we were there. I wanted them to hear the sound of my voice from this most beautiful place! Be gentle, I was young...23. :) Anyway, I ran across a picture that was taken at a luau that we attended. The picture was taken by a professional... you know one of those tourist traps. "You can get this great 8x1o picture for the low price of...!" Of course, Jason and I fell prey. The picture was what I would describe as cute. We were all decked out in our luau attire with sun kissed cheeks. We were so very happy. At the bottom of the picture was printed "The Aloha is Everlasting."

There was that word...everlasting. Part of the name of this blog. Leaning on Everlasting Arms. I started thinking again about that word after seeing it printed on our luau picture. Everlasting is defined as lasting forever; eternal or continuing indefinitely or for a long period of time. Deuteronomy 33:27 says, "The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms." To me everlasting meaning FOREVER He is there. Indefinitely He is there. He has certainly been my refuge even in these really tough days.

Although He is my EVERLASTING God, I find myself in a very dark place right now. I want so badly to feel real joy again. I know that my God won't leave me here forever. I know my God is a God of healing. He is our Jehovah Rapha and I know my heart will be healed in His time.

I have been reading for over a year now a blog of a young mom who lost her newborn many months ago. She wrote something on grief the other day that struck me and I want to post a little of it.
"Grief is not a place that you park. It is not a destination. I believe that with every season of grieving, Jesus desires us to reach a place of complete, total, life-renewing healing. I don’t have to go through life as one of the walking wounded! Instead, Jesus has given me the freedom to pursue healing, and eventually attain it. I can’t give you an exact day or time—it’s much to gradual for that—but what I can tell you is that now, nearly 10 months later, that the wound is closed, and I feel like the healing is complete."

I am certainly not where she is yet. I don't know when I'll get there, but I know my God will bring healing to my hurting heart. I will wait upon the Lord. As I think about the word everlasting, I am reminded of the song by Chris Tomlin entitled "Everlasting God."
Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary
Our God,
You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary
You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles

I will not grow weary because I am weak and He is the defender of the weak! He is comforting me in my greatest time of need. He is my Hope, my Strong Deliverer and He reigns FOREVER. I will wait on Him. He is my Everlasting God and with Him the Aloha IS Everlasting.

Random Thoughts

2008-10-16T21:30:00.021-05:00

I have to share a little story about this picture. This was taken August 22, 2007, in Naples after Anna Lea's first day of kindergarten. Jason and I had promised Anna Lea we would take her for ice cream that afternoon when I picked her up from school. Jason's last surgery case finished up just in time to meet us. Anyway, the other day I was looking at pictures downloaded on our computer, which I do regularly these days, and Jon Brent saw this picture. He immediately said, (without me saying a word) "we ate ice cream with daddy in Naples!" One simple statement brought me to tears. Why? Because Jon Brent remembered this small outing without me reminding him anything about it! I am so worried that Jon Brent won't have any memories of his daddy other than the ones I share with him and lo and behold, I was wrong! Who knows what other things he'll remember long term, but I pray the Lord will allow Jon Brent to remember lots of good memories of his daddy.

I am finally beginning to feel 'settled' in our new house. I look around sometimes and think to myself how pleased Jason would have been in this house. He would have especially loved living next door to Brad and Sherri. At times it hurts so deeply thinking of the things he is missing out on, but I am then reminded that WE are the ones missing out. He wouldn't come back to this world after experiencing heaven. I am certain of this. I know I say this a lot, but I miss him so much. I promise I never thought I would hurt this deeply. I didn't know it was possible. I find myself having pity parties quite often here lately, but I read something today that convicted me of doing this very thing. When I find myself in a "woe is me" mood, I need to go straight to the Lord with these feelings. HE can and will change my perspective by just conversing with him. I know He feels and sees my pain.

I want to close by bragging a little on my 89 year old grandmother. Remember the one that so many of you sent a birthday card to back in June? Well, she came and stayed with us for a couple of days to help me get caught up on my ironing. I was over 3 weeks behind. Ugh... Anyway, she literally ironed all day on Wednesday. Not only did she iron, but she did with a glad heart! Amazing she is, simply amazing. Oh, I pray I can one day have a servants heart like she does.

Acting a little more like Jason

2008-10-14T23:14:00.003-05:00

So, check out this photo... many of you received this picture in the mail because this was our Christmas card in 2004. If you recall the greeting went like this..."Tis the reason to be jolly!" Yes, I am FULLY aware of the real reason we are to be jolly at Christmas and that is the birth of our Savior, but I was just having some fun. I was MOST pumped about George W. getting elected to serve another 4 years then. I loved that man, still do. Anyway, I mentioned the other night how Jason didn't get ruffled about much other than my obsession with politics and children's clothing. Jason would usually just shake his head and ignore me when I would start ranting at the tv during a debate or watching some of the liberal media report any news story in regards to politics. Now this is something I so cherish about Jason.

Even in high school when Jason and I first started dating, I was guilty of being too involved in presidential campaigns. He never understood why I wore Bush/Quayle stickers everyday when I wasn't even old enough to vote. He certainly didn't understand why I cried the entire day that Bill Clinton was inaugurated. Then, when I started making Anna Lea wear a Bush/Cheney sticker when she was only 2, he was totally annoyed. Can you tell by his smile how he wasn't as into this Christmas card idea as I was?

Do I think he didn't care? Not for a second. He cared tremendously about our country, but Jason just trusted in our sovereign Lord a little more than me. Even now, I am learning from Jason. I haven't been able to get as involved in this presidential campaign as I usually get, but I can honestly say that although it looks grim for my 'team' to win at this point, I am trusting our Lord like Jason did.

Jason used to remind me this each time I would get scared, worried or flustered over an election. Regardless of the outcome, He is in control! Whatever the outcome on November 4th, our Lord won't be surprised. Or as my friend Mike Madaris would say, he won't be scratching his head saying, "how did that happen?" Our God sees and knows all. So, I will continue to pray that the right team (no pun intended) wins, but I know our God is still on the throne. I think Jason would be proud that I am finally acting a little more like him in this regard.

P.S. Go McCain/Palin! :) Yes, I do have a bumper sticker on my car. Jason would expect nothing less of me! ha!

I miss him...

2008-10-10T22:21:00.004-05:00

Things I miss about Jason the most:

1. His hugs

2. His smile

3. The way he would pour his cereal before he went to bed and put a paper towel over it. He would also lay out his spoon as well as 3 splenda packets to sweeten the cereal. Not 2, not 4, but 3 every night. He would lay everything out the night before so he could be as quiet as possible when eating his breakfast at 5 a.m. He had to be in surgery by 6 a.m. He was so considerate... always.

4. Seeing his work shoes at the back door. He would never wear them inside b/c he didn't want to bring GERMS in from the hospital. Only Jason.

5. Walking through the den and seeing Jason watching the History channel. WHY??? I would always ask him why he wanted to watch this channel and his response was always..."it's something smart people do, Stephanie." :)

6. Seeing the kids watch a movie with their daddy and hearing him laugh out loud at them. He loved Disney movies as much or more than they do. B/c of that we own almost ALL of them!

7. Hearing the back door slam in the afternoon and knowing it was Jason coming in which was always followed by the kids screaming, "daddy!!"

8. The way his cologne smelled on him. I can smell the bottle now, but it doesn't smell like it did on him.

9. I miss his laid back attitude about EVERYTHING. Nothing ruffled Jason too much other than Jon Brent's whining and my obsession with politics and children's clothing. Ha! He chose not to 'be involved' like I get during political campaigns. More about that on a later day.

10. I miss EVERYTHING about Jon Jason Weathers.

Still I Will Trust

2008-10-07T09:55:00.005-05:00

I just finished spending some time with the Lord and had to share what I read. I am going to write it exactly as I read it so not to miss anything. This comes from Beth Moore's devotional book entitled "Praying God's Word Day by Day." Ashley gave me this book several months back and what a source of encouragement it has been to me.

God has graciously allowed some of my fears to come true so I would discover I would not disintegrate. You, Christ, were despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. You were like one from whom men hide their faces. You were despised, and we did not esteem You (Isa. 53:30). You know exactly how I feel, Lord. I put my trust in You.

Mighty Redeemer, the cords of death have entangled me; the torrents of destruction have overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave have coiled around me; the snares of death have confronted me (Ps.18:4-5).

Yet even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me (Ps. 23:4).

Without a doubt a huge fear of mine has always been losing someone so very close to me. I would hear of others who were either facing death or had lost a loved one of their own and think that I could not ever handle such tragedy. I always assumed if I had to walk where I am walking that I would simply bury myself in a hole somewhere. Praise God, His grace has been sufficient for me. His love and mere presence has literally carried me day in and day out. Even the darkest of days. It is He that comforts me. Often I find myself longing to talk to other wives who also have small children and have lost a spouse. Someone who knows exactly what I am feeling. I was reminded today after reading this devotional that our Savior knows how I feel and He is that someone. I can't tell you what a source of comfort that is for me during this time.

When I think I'm going under, part the waters, Lord. When I see waves around me, calm the sea. When I cry for help, O hear me, Lord, and hold out your hand. Touch my life, calm the raging storm in me.

He has and He will. Praise God!

Praying for a better week...

2008-10-05T09:06:00.006-05:00

Praise God for Monday! Well, not normally, but for me I am so needing a better week than I had last week. It was a crazy week for sure. I am sad to say that Brad's entry a couple of days ago was true. DHS will probably be contacting me soon. My parents hadn't been gone more than 4 or 5 hours when I locked Ally in the car. Thankfully, I was parked in my parents garage, but it was still a pretty hot afternoon. I was in total panic mode. By the way, we DID have an extra set of keys, but somehow in the move they've been lost. Anyway, thank the Lord for Brad. (I seem to be thanking God for him a lot here lately!) He can and does make things happen! He was too far away to get to us immediately, but he called another deputy with Lamar County and within minutes Deputy Lindsey saved the day!

Wednesday I went grocery shopping for the first time since Jason was diagnosed with leukemia. I have picked up a few items here and there, but I had not done a real 'Walmart run' in quite some time. When we left Naples, we gave away all food items because we weren't sure how long everything would be in storage. I even had to start over with spices, etc. Not sure why I felt like I needed those items right now because I haven't cooked a meal in months either. Maybe soon I will get back to cooking. Anyway, going to Walmart is stressful enough without throwing in my crazy emotions. I am not sure what happened to me in the bread section, but I totally lost it when I went to reach for the bread that Jason liked to eat. I am sure I looked certifiably crazy while crying over Nature's Own wheat bread. After I purchased LOTS of groceries and loaded them in my car, I began to drive away from Walmart still in tears. I kid you not, the song that was playing on the radio was "How Do I Live Without You?" I don't even like that song, but I tortured myself by not changing the station. I really felt like someone was playing a real mean joke on me because the next song was "All By Myself." I finally got it together enough to laugh at myself. Silly love songs on adult contemporary radio stations... NO MORE! I am revolting.

Wednesday night is when Anna Lea decided to climb on the top of her bed post. I have to admit that I accused her of being too emotional after the fall. I was convinced it wasn't broken, rather her acting a little dramatic. She most definitely inherited that trait from me. When she woke up crying in pain at 11:00 p.m., I knew we had a situation. So, off to the ER we went. My friend Susan went with us because she was afraid I might be emotional visiting the ER this soon after Jason's passing. She was right. Brad did join us and I was most thankful for that. (Do you see the reason I am continually thanking the Lord for Brad?) When we arrived in the ER we were immediately greeted by a kind nurse who had worked with Jason. She began to express her sympathy to us and told me that she had kept up with our journey on caring bridge. Of course, she expressed her love for Jason and how much everyone enjoyed working with him. After a quick triage, they moved us to another room and wouldn't you know it...we were put in the SAME room that they put Jason in when he came after going into cardiac arrest. My lucky day. Anna Lea over heard us talking about the fact we were in the same room and she immediately began to ask questions. Although we were 'bugged' out completely by this room placement, Anna Lea thought it was way cool that she was in the same room that her daddy had been in. I wish I could be 6 again.

Thursday came and went with no real crisis other than having to take Anna Lea to the orthopedic physician in regards to her arm. Thankfully a cast was not needed, but a sling for 3 weeks. Anna Lea was disappointed about this. Her mom was not!

Friday came and praise God my parents came home! I have never been so glad to see my mom and dad. What I discovered while they were gone is that I am a very needy individual! I know for those reading that know me well are not at all shocked at this statement. Having 3 kids and being 'single' is by far the hardest job I have ever encountered. Throw in trying to get settled in a new house and feel my misery! Kidding, of course. It was a tough week, but I made it with the help of other family and friends.

I am not sure where I am in the grief process, but this move has triggered so many emotions that I hadn't encountered as of yet. I have noticed that I tend to have very little patience right now. I hate that my sweet kids sometimes get the brunt of that. Actually, Comcast got the brunt on Friday. My kids don't deserve my frustrations with life right now, but Comcast most definitely deserves it!

Monday starts another week. Another week without sweet Jason. How I miss him so much. Everything about him I miss. Even the things that bugged me sometimes. Jason would constantly make little 'to do lists' and leave them laying all over the house. While unpacking a box this week a couple of those lists fell out of a notebook of his. The lists usually included music he wanted to download or books he wanted to read. Sometimes tasks such as having the oil changed in the car or paying bills, but my heart broke when I read, "take Anna Lea on a date." He was always so faithful to spend lots of time with the kids even in midst of a very stressful school schedule. How I hate they will no longer benefit from this incredible daddy of theirs.

Once again I am in need of your prayers. I feel so very lonely so much of the time. Alone even in the midst of lots of people sometimes. I assume this is very normal, but it indeed hurts like nothing else I have ever experienced. For now I will continue to press on and cling ever so tightly to our Savior. He's the only constant I have right now. Oh, how incredibly faithful he continues to be!

Can you say DHS?

2008-10-03T00:25:00.003-05:00

Well, Steph has had a busy week and is exhausted. She fell asleep today in the line to pick Anna Lea up from school. The school called me and I told them to let her sleep til I got there. After trying to wake her up for 10 minutes, I decided to have her vehicle towed back to the house and let her sleep. Anna Lea was very excited to get to ride in the tow truck from school. That was 2:00p.m. and she is still asleep in the car. Don't worry, I added gas every couple of hours until it got cool. Maybe she will get up in time to get the kids to school in the morning. Anyway, I figured I would fill everyone in on the happenings for the week. It can be summed up in one word - DRAMA!

Anna Lea is currently wearing a white sling for the fracture to her upper arm. They couldn't do a cast because the injury was so high up. How did this happen? She did fall off of her bed but Steph should explain why she was on top of the bed. Steph has a real sweat shop going on at that house over there. She was making Anna Lea stand on top of her bed to paint her room. She finally took Anna Lea to the hospital after she finished the third coat of paint. Midnight on Wednesday and the emergency room got us right back. Plenty of rooms there to choose from. Which one do you think we got in? Of course, room #3- the same room J was in the day he went into cardiac arrest. We passed several empty rooms to get to that one. Steph and I wanted to throw up in our mouths but Anna Lea thought it was neat that she was in the same room as her daddy was. We got out of there around 0100 hours and didn't even go to Waffle House. ReRe learned a great lesson last night- don't leave your phone on silent.

That wasn't the only drama of the week. The other incident is still under investigation. Someone locked Baby Ally in the vehicle. There are three suspects- Steph, J Brent, and Anna Lea. We brought firetrucks, ambulances, deputies, and locksmiths. Nobody could get her out. She cried and cried and cried. I then yelled at her that her Uncle Scott is Cheesy and she began to laugh and rolled down the window. She climbed out the window and crawled into the house and locked the door. I guess she wanted to show the rest of the family how it felt to be locked out.

Jon Brent has not had his drama for the week yet. I anticipate him finding some permanent markers tomorrow and drawing a nice little picture on the newly painted walls. It could always be worse. He could eat a rainbow colored snowcone, go #2, and wipe it on the walls(that one was for you Kristen). We were able to work on some pressure points today and go to a football game. There will be no more pushing strollers for Jon Brent.

Steph and the kids are finally staying in the house. They have a couple of sheets hung up over the windows. Im not sure if they are for privacy or they are getting ready for Halloween. They do look good though. They still have several windows not covered so I can do the chuffle shuffle when they have company.

A company is coming tomorrow to bubble wrap the entire house. I hope this will help prevent further injuries and help time pass when bored.

Loving Life

BRAD

And so these are the days of our lives...

2008-10-02T01:52:00.004-05:00

Too tired to give all the details right now, but Anna Lea was climbing on her bed post (which she has been told NOT to do) and then fell on the floor landing on her arm. After a couple of hours of deliberation we decided we must visit FGH E.R. An hour later it was discovered that she had a fracture. She has been put in a sling and will see an orthopedist in the a.m. Actually, in several hours now. Check out the time.
I'm tired. Who told my parents it was ok for them to go on vacation?? :)
More details later.

55 Belletower Turn

2008-09-28T17:16:00.011-05:00

Well, 55 Belletower Turn is home. Well, sort of...our furniture is there, but we aren't actually living there yet. Soon, very soon. It seems as if this move has taken us FOREVER. The problem being I had stuff all over Hattiesburg. :) Mainly in storage, but a lot at my parents while other stuff at Jason's parents. Whew...we're tired to say the least. By the way, let me thank my parents ONCE again. They have gone above and beyond for me... again. I think this it, though. Just kidding. My dad did joke and tell me not to ask him to move us anytime soon. He and my mom have moved us 3 times in less than 3 years. I pray I don't have to ask them anytime soon.

I know I have mentioned this several times, but it bears mentioning once again. My mom and dad have sacrificially given me and the kids SO much. My entire life they have done without to give to me and Scott. This time is no different. I am eternally grateful for the love they have not just expressed verbally, but shown me. I pray that I will be this giving to my own children. Pray for them as they are about to take a much needed vacation together ALONE without 3 children or me for that matter. I am so glad for them to be able to escape and I assure you that it couldn't come at a better time. I imagine they will sleep a lot! They deserve this and so much more. Thanks again, mom and dad. Those words seem so inadequate, but it's all I have right now. I love you both more than any words could possibly express.

The kids and I hope to be sleeping at the house very soon. We are awaiting window coverings and then 55 Belletower will be our new home. Remember, Brad and Sherri are our neighbors and I don't think they want to know EVERYTHING that goes on at our house! Hence the reason we await window coverings...:)

Lots of emotions experienced while going through Jason's things. Some of his things are still packed away for now, while others are there for the duration. I cried a lot, but laughed as well. Some things I found made me once again proud that he was my husband. For example, I finally got my hands on his study Bible. What comfort that brought me to read his writing around God's words. Seeing the way God spoke to him in written form is priceless. I assure you I will treasure this as long as I live. As I flipped through God's word, I was once again thankful to our Lord. Thankful because at the very moment that I was reading so much about our Savior, my sweet Jason was experiencing Him live and in person! His faith is sight!

I have so much to share as I haven't written in several days, but right at this moment Ally is most ready to eat. She would prefer that I save it for another day so that is what I will do. Thank you for your prayers over the last week. I assure you, they have been felt!

I am Blessed

2008-09-23T23:28:00.003-05:00

Gosh, it's only Tuesday, but it certainly feels like we are approaching Friday! Moving... why is it absolutely no fun? It never fails how organized you are, moving is always so chaotic. AND it does feel like I just did this 4 months ago... wait, I did. My parents and I packed up all of our belongings in April and hauled them 13 hours in a bright yellow PENSKE and since that date they have been hanging out in a storage room.

The plan as of now is that we will start moving most of our things on Thursday afternoon. Wow, even writing the word our is so difficult. Most all of Jason's things have been boxed up and in a storage facility since our departure from Naples. In some ways I am so looking forward to getting my hands on them and in other ways I dread it like the plague. I described it to someone as a black cloud that is just hanging over my head and I know soon the cloud will open and completely soak me. I am sure there will be many emotions. My prayer is that some of those emotions will be laughter. I am confident that there will be many tears shed, but I pray I can find some joy in his things. Jason liked 'things'. Mainly his 'things' consist of cds, books, and dvds. No surprise to those that knew Jason well. I have laughed and told people that instead of going out and finding a job that I could just open Blockbuster in my house. No joke. Jason loved buying movies. A hobby that I NEVER understood, but one he was most proud of. :) He was something. Sometimes in all of my emotions, I ask God why he blessed me so by being the wife of Jon Jason Weathers. Really.

I was blessed beyond measure. He was incredible. I am such a better person because he was in my life. Oh, how I pray our children will be grow to be like their daddy. I think what grieves me the most about his passing is that they won't learn directly from him. That gentle strength he had can not be taught by me. His kindness to others was amazing. His laid back attitude is something I wish I had. His hugs... well, you've heard me talk of these hugs before, but they were incredible. How I wish I could get a hug right now!

Tonight I was driving from the new house back to my parents house and a song was playing on the radio. I am not sure if I have actually ever listened to the words to this song, but I could SO relate to them. So much that I began to cry. Read below...

Blessed by Rachael Lampa

I may never climb a mountain
So I can see the world from there.
I may never ride the waves
And taste the salty ocean air,
Or build a bridge
That will last a hundred years;
But no matter where the road leads
One thing is always clear...

I am blessed, I am blessed.
From when I rise up in the mornin’,
’Til I lay my head to rest I feel You near me.
You soothe me when I’m weary.
Oh Lord, for all the worst and all the best I am blessed.

All along the road less traveled I
have crawled and I have run.
I have wandered through the wind and rain
Until I found the sun.
The watching eyes ask me why I walk this narrow way...
I will gladly give the Reason
For the hope I have today!

I am blessed, I am blessed.
From when I rise up in the mornin’,
’Til I lay my head to rest I feel You near me.
You soothe me when I’m weary.
Oh Lord, for all the worst and all the best I am blessed!

You’ve given me joy. You’ve given me love.
You give me strength
When I want to give up.
You came from heaven
To rescue my soul...

This is the reason I know, I know... I know I’m blessed,
From when I rise up in the mornin’,
’Til I lay my head to rest,
I feel You near me.
You soothe me when I’m weary.
Oh Lord, for all the worst and all the best I am blessed!

For the worst and the best... I am blessed. Besides Jesus, Jason Weathers has been the biggest blessing in my life. Without Jason, there would be no Anna Lea, Jon Brent, or Ally. Without Jason, I wouldn't be who I am today in the Lord.

Thank you, God for your blessings in my life! Your goodness to me overwhelmes me at times. How you are continually working things out for my good makes me stand in awe of you. I truly am blessed.

2008-09-21T22:34:00.002-05:00

It's been a few days since I have written. I had a very fun, but busy weekend. The picture you see to the side was taken at the USM game yesterday. We attempted to actually watch the game until the rain decided to ruin the day. The kids enjoyed themselves regardless of the crummy weather.

On Friday night I went to a Tri Delta reunion. It was so good to catch up with some old friends. Old... might not be the correct choice of words. Let me re-phrase that statement. It was so good to catch up with some college friends. They were all were so encouraging to me in regards to the loss of Jason. Jason loved so many of these girls. There was even a great 80's band that played. J also loved some Poison, Guns and Roses, etc. Because of this great music, he was thought of often during the night.

I found myself having a hard time in church today. Some Sundays are harder than others and today ranked as a very hard one. Music plays a huge role in my life as it did for Jason, too. A couple of the songs we sang today brought on great emotion. At one point I was so desperately wishing I was all alone with the Lord rather than being in a corporate worship experience. By God's grace, I made it through.

I covet your prayers over the next several days. I have recently made a very BIG decision for my family, but this decision has not been made without lots of prayers. I am buying a house. A very good thing I am certain, but also a very overwhelming thing. It would be overwhelming even with Jason here with me. God has provided a great opportunity for me to be neighbors with Brad and Sherri. They are also buying a new house. Two houses side by side that I believe were built just for us! I am so incredibly thankful for their commitment to me and the kids. The emotions I feel tonight as I am embark on this new chapter of my life are so mixed. Excited for the new beginnings, but sad that we are taking this giant step without Jason. Not at all how I envisioned this move a year ago. Last fall I started getting very excited about moving back to Hattiesburg when Jason graduated from anesthesia school. I would spend hours and hours online looking for that perfect house. Jason and I would spend even more time talking about the type of house we desired. Here I am a year later taking this giant step without Jason.

My parents have been more than gracious by allowing us to live with them since January, but I know it is time for me and the kids to take this enormous step. I am forever grateful for their numerous sacrifices and all the love they continue to give to me and my children. Our entire family has been so supportive over the last 8 months and I will never be able to thank them adequately.

A new day begins tomorrow for me, Anna Lea, Jon Brent and Ally. I look forward to sharing more as the week unfolds, but until then, I thank you in advance for your prayers.

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Isaiah 26:3